My wife informed me last night that she cheated.

[sandi2]

Both Bond & Allen give excellent advice and you will be wise to listen and follow.

My POV is from the WAW. The first thing I want to point out is that everything you mentioned that you loved in the MR could easily be satisfied (for her anyway) with a close girlfriend. So, it is extremly important to regain and keep a good sexual life together. (BTW, I really do understand what you were pointing out about all those other things that you enjoy with her.) But as someone has already told you, don't settle for a MR without sex.

The next thing I want to point out is that you cannot believe everything she tells you. I know you want to do that and you chose to believe her.....but you cannot afford to continue to do so. For one thing, she's a WAW in an A. Even if she has not walked away from the house...she's walked away from you & the M. She's been unfaithful to you. Repenting of her A is good and she probably did not set out to intentionally hurt you....but the fact is that she's not through with OM. You won't want to believe me, and I get that....but I'm trying to brace you for what's to come. You can't accept her at her "word" b/c she has been untrustworthy and she's cheated...that makes her a liar. Listen, I used to get very angry when Puppy would tell posters that "all cheaters lie" b/c I thought I had never lied to my LBH. Well....duh! I may not have told him a verbal lie, but man, did I lie through withholding information and hiding behind his back.

This is not the girl you M. You have to change how you deal with things from this point on, or you will not bust a D. That is what our goal will be...to help you do so.

You need a plan, ASAP. You need to get the Divorce Remedy tomorrow, if possible. You can read articles from Michele here on her board, and several forums have the first chapter in her books. Reading other threads would be very helpful...and be sure to post here every day.

I suggest that you do not make any moves until you run it by the board. The reason I say this is b/c sometimes Newcomers act before they have all the information and then it's hard to recover from that. We do, of course, expect you to think for yourself...but you are going to hear things that may not sound "logical" to your reasoning brain. Very much of what is said will probably sound the opposite of what you thought one should do in cases such as this.

Can you tell us why your W just suddenly decided to tell you about her A?

We've also learned that most WAW's will not tell you the "complete" truth about their A. What did you say to her or how did you respond? She could have either been testing you to see how you'd react to the news....or else the A has taken a new level. You would like to think that guilt drove her to tell you, but I doubt it did.

All you have to do is read hundreds & hundreds of threads here on the board and you will quickly see how it seems as if you are reading the same story over & over again.

LBH's gets the news of the A one day and the news of D the next. That is why you need to get informed ASAP. I know you probably won't want to do so, but you really need to get informed about the A and if it is still alive. I think you'll discover that it is. Do not let your W know what you are doing! Do not over-react to anything you may find b/c you will need to save that information. If you do not keep it from her, then she will lie her way out of it. You can get phone records, install a keyboad divice, etc. But you've got to be smart about becoming a detective.

We haven't had sex in three months now

I would look at that as a timeline when the A started. And, if she should suddenly get real interested in having sex again, you need to use protection b/c she's been with OM....and b/c she'll probably be scared she's pregnant. Sorry to be so blunt, but have to warn you. I am suspicious of why she decided to spill her gut.

I know that sounds so awful, but it is necessary if you are going to fight for your M. You may not discover anything right away (especially if her and OM had a fight...and that may be her reason for telling you of the A), but sooner or later....it will show up.

She cannot be attracted to you sexually if she doesn't respect you, first, as a man. Be sure you are the man she married....physically, emotionally, etc. Something caused her to lose interest in being intimate with you. It may take a therapist finding out the truth, but before that happens....you've got to bust the A. Don't even consider MC until you know that she's over OM. It won't work if there is a third party involved.

I'm a terribly rational person and the only way things make sense to me is to break them down into a calm logical discussion.

You will want to fix things by talking with her. It won't work. You'll keep trying b/c you work that way, but it won't be successful. You cannot talk to her about the R b/c it will push her away. You don't talk. If she wants to talk to you, fine....but you just listen...don't talk.

What concerns me the most is how you sounded as if after the long talk....she convinced you to be her best friend....instead of her lover. That is called cake eating. She has the best of both worlds. Don't settle, don't ever settle!

If you don't like Carey Grant in comedies, watch Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind. If ever I could use a screen image to relay what I think most women fantasize in a male....it's him. Not his looks....but "him". JMHO, of course. BTW, if you should watch that movie to observe him....be SURE you catch the very last sentence that Brett Butler says to Scarlett O'Hara, when he goes out the door and she's crying about what she'll do and he says, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn". If you ever read or catch Part II, you'll see where Scarlett spends the next several years trying to win Brett back. In the end...she finally did, but the point I'm making is that she did not really want him until he was through with her. Hummmmm......