Back again

[oncemore]

Robx, thank you for your honest perspective on my situation. It helps to have someone else's perspective to make one have a good hard look at themselves. I do wish to clarify though, I did only ever raise the prospect of divorce to my H once. Of course, once is enough to hurt deeply and I regret having such a knee jerk reaction. You are correct that I didn't follow up with strong enough actions to prove how serious I was not to throw our love or marriage away over what was a relatively trivial matter. Another regret I now have to live with.

I also have to say that while not trying to diminish my lack of work on this M in the past, D is not what I want. I am not the one who gave up this time. When H said he wants a D he said he's sick of pushing things under the carpet and then trying to walk over that mess. He's right, and we're both responsible for not addressing our issues. I suggested counselling to H but he wasn't interested. He doesn’t believe in it. He thinks the counsellor will take one side and that would be it, so believes it to be a waste of time. I do take your point that H would think it a waste of effort to work on this M because of my past actions. A hard pill to swallow for me but it's something I have to do.

Yes, H is a strong and determined man. One of our major issues became how to set ourselves up a secure financial future. Throughout our M we had both discussed wanting to do a lot of travel and also to have a bigger house. Alongside this we both realised we also needed to do something to make sure our future was secure financially. H became so intent on this being a reality and he has big goals of complete financial independence. This in itself is not a problem, and is probably something many people would like to achieve. The problems arose when he became so focussed on that side of life, that he didn't want to travel or have a bigger house until he was financially free and never had to work again. When he said he wanted a D this was one of the things he raised. He said I didn't support him in trying to achieve his goal. I couldn't make him understand I respected what he was trying to do but wanted to find a way to balance planning for the future but also living in the present. In the last year or so he spent a lot of money (all on credit which interest was payable on) moving from one type of investment to the next, before fully understanding each one, or making even a trickle off each type. I asked him if perhaps there was a less expensive way to learn the things he wanted to learn so that he could see some return before going into more debt. He saw this as me having no faith in his ability. This was not the case. As I said, I just wanted to try to balance living in the here and now and planning for the future.

I'm not trying to play the victim, and I don't believe I'm perfect I'm just trying to figure all this out. I appreciate all the time everyone spends in helping me out. I may take some time to 'get it' but I am honestly trying.

Bustorama, Thank you for your suggestions on getting a life. I appreciate your input.

BeingMe, Thank you too. I have no reason to believe there is an OW so I will not try to accuse H of that. I like the way you suggest handling the questions about H. When faced with such a situation I will try that. Thank you.

[oncemore]

I took the advice of Robx and told H that I will arrange for MC, that I'm willing to put in the effort to correct my negative behaviours in our relationship. He has said that he does not want to talk either with or without a counsellor to begin with. He has asked me to write a letter about what I do and don't like, what I might like to change about myself or him – and he will do the same. He feels it's less confrontational and gives more time for consideration and reflection when the truth hurts. Not sure what will happen afterwards.

I have a decision to make regarding a planned trip to a convention to do with my hobby. It was planned a few months ago but now I don't feel like going. I'm not sure if it's because there is a tiny opening in communication with H and I want to be around in case he wants to talk or if it's because I feel I could better use the time to get myself together, and at least see an IC (if not a MC if H wants to).

What would some of you do?

[pinhead]

Go on the trip. Don't give up your activities for "maybe."

[oncemore]

You're right Pinhead. I know I should go but I'm struggling to get in the mood.

H and I had a bit of a talk the other night. We lightly touched on a couple of issues but nothing too deep. We shared a bit of a laugh and I left. I know that regardless of what happens it's a long, hard road ahead. Although I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much I do hope it's a teeny, tiny, wobbly baby step in a good direction.

[Oxymoron]

Do go on the trip. You need to keep following your own interests and activities. I used to do the same kind of thing-checking the temperature of the R before making any moves myself. Problem is, if things were going well I'd want to stay and enjoy it, if things were going bad I would want to stay and fix it, if things were uncertain then I'd want to stay and get to the bottom of the uncertainty. I was so focused on the R that I forgot how to live for myself....and that only exacerbated the R problems.