Blindsided

[evolve35]

Thank you for answering me.

I truly have looked to see any kind of evidence of someone else in the picture. I know it is more likely for someone in my situation to become blind to this than actually admit it and see it. However, I can find no evidence of it. I do think in his mind he wants to be with someone else, to 'start healing from this' and move on. I can't find any actual evidence of there being a specific person. I do see a very depressed person though...

Even when he was telling me about his feelings I shared with him that I went through something similar 2 years prior and felt that I wanted to find love again etc. He really rejected this idea and again felt I didn't understand him, he 'just can't keep trying in our relationship anymore'.

Well, now this is going on 7 weeks. He asked me for a favor yesterday to look at his dog (I got her for him about 3 months ago). We are both veterinarians and work in the same large hospital. He is a specialist and doesn't generally deal with routine health problems so he asked me to look at her. Together we got her taken care of and treated yesterday. He called a couple of times to thank me for helping him. At first he kept telling me not to come into the hospital if I don't need to... I was pleasant and told him I was happy to do it and that I genuinely care for the dog. This seemed to satisfy his guilt (?) for asking me.

He still wants to come over to my apartment and set this up and that up for me. I finally let him come over last week (wasn't quite ready and my schedule is crazy). He came over to set up my desk and get my TV/internet working. At the end of it, I handed him a small gift of guitar picks as he has taken this up as a hobby in the past year. I told him I saw them and thought of him and that maybe he could use them and it would encourage him to get back to playing (he has been doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching TV for some time). He clearly was very touched by this and thanked me. After leaving, he texted me a couple more times about other topics and a project we had planned to work on together.
The small gift idea came to me after reading the 5 love languages. That book was profound to me considering my situation. We have not spoken each other's love language (I didn't even know different languages existed) since our early courtship 8 to 9 years ago. I realized that he was bringing me gifts frequently, I think this is one of his strongest love languages. It amazed me the effect it had giving him a 5 dollar gift.

Then again, I think he pulled back a little for a couple of days. I think deep down he doesn't really want a divorce but he thinks it is the only way because he is not in love with me anymore and he feels incredibly guilty about that. He has been trying to work on our relationship but with my crazy schedule and him speaking his love language to me, not my love language to me, I didn't see his attempts. Now he feels 'it is too late' for him, as he said 7 weeks ago.

I can't believe what a crazy mess our relationship has become. No one could have convinced me 4 years ago that this would be my life right now.

Oh, and prior to him coming to my apt...
I think words of affirmation are another key love language for him and I am truly deficient in this area. I didn't have it growing up and never learned to speak it naturally.
I think I did another powerful thing... We had an international conference in TX the week before he came to my apartment. We both needed to attend, we went separately and stayed at separate hotels (normally we do this together every year, staying together of course). Well, I had 2 talks to give at this conference. This is a big honor and a big deal to someone in my position. He was involved in one of the projects so I knew he would be there for the talk. He came to the talk and at the end I acknowledged 4 people. He was one and in the room full of his peers, I thanked him for his tremendous support for the past 3 years... and I killed the presentation.
He hunted me down in the hallway at the end of the presentation and gave me the biggest heartfelt hug I have gotten from him in a very long time. He told me how proud he was of me, that I was like a different person giving the presentation (as it went very well and I have a terrible fear of speaking). He made a point to come to my talk the following morning that didn't involve him, he had no need to be there. He came anyway and sent me a text again afterward about how proud he was and what a great job I had done. I think the words of affirmation had a very positive effect on him. We have struggled to get close to one another for so long and had no idea how to do it. We definitely weren't speaking each others language. Will he one day see a glimmer of hope in our relationship? I don't know but I can tell you that I expected him to bring divorce papers to me as soon as the conference was over and it still hasn't happened.

I am doing my best to take care of myself. I am already a naturally thin person but have now lost 12 lbs and it is a lot for me. I am sure he can see it. I run frequently and am now up to 30 minutes, I first for me. He knows about this as he has asked. I think he is genuinely looking for change in me... will he ever believe it is occurring, I don't know. I know that he has no idea what his true contribution has been to the downfall of our relationship and thinks it is mainly me.

Now I am getting a little worried that I have been too nice. I feel like the 180 is the only shot I have but don't know when and how much I should pull back.
When all of this started to happen and after reading Michelle's book, I told him I would like to attend counseling to at least achieve closure. He told me he couldn't do it 'at this time' but that 'if I still felt that way in a couple of months' he would do it then. We are getting close to a couple of months and I am worried it is still not the right time to ask. Things have been going better NOT talking about the relationship. However, how long is too long? Will he keep just distancing himself and do an effective job of it? I want to propose, when the time is right, that we skip the weekly counseling sessions for closure and go see Michelle for 2 days. I think, if I time it right, he will go. I am just so scared it won't work... meaning, of course I want him to reinvest in the relationship but know he may never do that. Any I do truly want closure if that is all I can get as I never, ever want to end up in this situation again. Oh, so many questions. I wish I had a crystal ball... can I really afford to see Michelle? No but can I afford not too? I will make plenty of money in another year when my training is done. I want to be able to sleep again at night.

Sorry this is so long. I hope someone will still read it.