Best suited here now

[MrBond]

TH, sounds like you answered your own question. "I will not share my life with a wife who is cheating on me" (boundary)" Yes this is definitely a boundary.

If he said that he would not allow her to see the dogs, come home, etc. as a result of it, then that is fine because it is a consequence of her crossing the boundary.

But if he just does it because he's pissed at her, then it's not a boundary.

[FaithnAK]

I agree. Those aren't boundaries. You are punishing her and treating her like a child. What does the breach in trust that she did to you have to do with trusting her with the dogs?

Boundaries are lines of bad behavior that you will not tolerate. You're just being vindictive. It's understandable. It's just not going to help your sitch much.

See now everything is just contary I quess.

Nobody has YET to tell me how I'm being Vindictive. How?

Because I won't let a cheater and compulsive liar in my house? The house and dogs she chose to leave? The dogs where she thinks it's only fair to come visit when SHE feels like it?

How do i know she will not bring him too? If she yanked her money when we had a verbal agreement am I to just say "Oh that's a one time thing" and let it go? Do I take a chance and have her come in and take MY stuff and MY dogs away?

Am I not just protecting myself?

It's a Boundary...Here it is re-written I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANYMORE CRAP BEHAVIOR!

That fit better?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Are the dogs your, hers or yours (plural)?
Did you both pick them out?

She texted and asked if she could come over and see the dogs.

To you this makes her nuts. How could she possibly want to see the dogs when she is destroying your life.

Knee jerk reaction says: No.
Vindictive means No because it will hurt her.



About time.

I think almost eveyone here would agree that 1 second is too short a period of time to make a decisions that affects the rest of a marriage when it comes to the possible dissolution of that marriage.

The other end of the spectrum...how much is toomuch or how much is just right, is nothing set in stone. THAT time frame is totally up to the person...the LBS to determine.

That being said, I think it should be as long as the LBS can stand it. To that end the LBS lasts as long as they can, so that in the end they have no regrets.

IF 4 months is the right ammount of time, then it is 4 months.
IF it is 2 seconds then it is 2 seconds.
IF it is years? Like...I dunno C-Bart or Brand New Day, or CNMC or others then that is how long it takes.

Don't sell yourself short Faith.

As mad as you might be for questioning you, your regrets for a hasty decision will kick your ass far long and harder than a few of my questions ever can.

[sandi2]

Man, those must be very special dogs! But, I see your POV. If she's disrespecting you (and she is), then she doesn't come to your house or visit anything therein.

Continuing NC and not allowing her in your home, or visit the pets, are about all you have at this point. Has she asked for any of her things that was left behind? Has seeing the dogs been the top of her list?

[MrBond]

It goes back to what you and her discussed. If you told her she could come over anytime before to see the dogs, then you follow through. You don't have to be there.

What details did the two of you hammer out? It seems like she left without much so what did you discuss about her things?

[TimeHeals]

If you told her she could come over anytime before to see the dogs, then you follow through.

Ehhh, don't think so. He can change his mind. She did.

[Truegritter]

Faith I get it.

We all do. Cause we've been there.

Now all the stomping up and down and building boundary walls is that going to get your dignity back?

Where did your dignity go?

Can you take your honor back by your boundary building?

Do it for now if you need to until your anger subsides.

You will not find yourself, your honor, your dignity by hiding behind a wall.

Your honor and dignity are yours so don't give them to anyone else.

Don't define yourself by the actions of another or your reaction to some wrong done to you.

I have found that the choice that contains the most honor and dignity for myself is usually the much more difficult decision.

and

usually not my first instinct.

At least not when I first got here.

I try every day to be a better man...

The question I have for you that you must answer for yourself is

What kind of man does Faith want to be?

Guess what comes out of an orange when you squeeze it?

What's inside.

For me what has made me understand who I am is this tragedy we all share.

That is what I can tell you.

Is this the hill you're going to die on?

Listen man, you have a very wise and erudite grizzly bear that has come out from hybernation posting to you ...

Listen.

[TimeHeals]

Can you take your honor back by your boundary building?

Do it for now if you need to until your anger subsides.

I would actually suggest that healthy boundaries (e.g. I will not share my life with somebody who is actively cheating on me and treating me badly) is something that is neccessary for the rest of your life.


Kind of like, "I will not allow a repeatedly convicted pedophile babysit my children".

Good idea to have healthy boundaries ... because some people ....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Because some people don't.

Kind of like, "I will not allow a repeatedly convicted pedophile babysit my children".

No, nothing like that.

Overkill. Apples and gernades.

[TimeHeals]

No, nothing like that.

Overkill. Apples and gernades.

Really? So cheating, contempt, disrespect, resentment and hostility are apples?

Boy, how do you like them apples?

It's not healthy to have in your life.

The anger isn't either if it goes on too long, but as fresh as things are, it's kind of natural.