Perhaps the truth is that M is not really for those who don't truly value it anyway. If the wayward wants to throw in the towel, it's usually for very selfish reasons beyond their spouse's ability to sway in any event. Might as well let them go. It is only if the WAS still has an active conscience and a sense of honor that they will turn around from their path anyway -- which, sadly, explains why so few reconcilliations happen after all.
If we cannot honor the wee, small voice within and adhere to our convictions, then a M is doomed anyway. And with the siren call of weak moral accountability in our post-modern culture, most folks struggle with the very meaning of commitment. "Guilting" them is thus pointless anyway. You cannot "guilt" someone who has lost their sense of shame in the first place. We are really talking about a disease of the spirit here that has as one symptom all these broken M's.
Well said! At eight months post-bomb, I couldn't agree more. It's a mistake to assume that people are prepared to commit to something as serious as marriage...unfortunately most are not. The stats make that abundantly clear. Perhaps we would be better served by stating an intention to stay together in the medium term rather than getting married ::shrug:: .
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
The 40 percent success rate seems way too high. I've only encountered 3 or 4 success stories in my year here.
The more I look back the more I realize that by the time I came to this site it was over. There was a window in March 2009 where there was a chance and I made the wrong moves -- pushed too hard.
I was on a tightrope and I fell.
Once I moved out it was all over. An OM came into the picture pretty fast. Now it's about acceptance and moving on and I'm struggling with both.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Flowmom I agree with you. I really think if as a country we made getting married as "difficult" as getting divorced then many people may opt out. I am completely for marriage and believe it can be great, but many people see marriage as a "next step" and don't want to really commit. Maybe with a "class" you have to take and other hoops to jump through like officially making everything joint just like you have to officially make everything separate maybe then more people would really think about the vows they are making and stick with it. Maybe then people would realize more that marriage is a sacred vow that cannot be taken lightly.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I know enough anecdotally and intuitively to say that one should never say never.
Thinking further, it would be unwise to make predictions either way. Perhaps it's okay to hope that one would be blessed to find such a R, but not to count on it.
I would really like to think so. I enjoyed being married and I would like to think I have learned what is important to me in a relationship.
I certainly don't want an exact copy of me, because really where is the fun in that? I would like to think there are more than a few guys out there that would be a fun match.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm not sure I would get married again in the legal sense. I certainly hope to have a committed R at some point down the road. I actually understand and believe in marriage now more than I ever did. I also know I will never withstand going through the legalities of a divorce again.
I also enjoyed being married. Until the last few years of our marriage things were very good (although we did have communication issues).
The late Willie Pep was a great Featherweight boxer. Pep was married six times, and bemoaned the cost of his five divorces. "All my wives were great housekeepers," he once said. "After every divorce, they kept the house."
I too enjoyed being married, the feeling of belonging and the feeling of having someone exclusively- but right now I'm afraid of it from the financial perspective.
Perhaps that will change if the right person comes along.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
