On two ends of the world.. #2

[ris]

This is my merged last two posts from my old thread:

I got an email back from H this morning:
"I'll get you the paper work in two weeks or so.

goodbye."

I thought about all your suggestions regarding handling this, what soleil said and what Coach added and what I'm thinking of doing now is to ask him to call me. I'm pretty sure he won't want to but I'm going to say (as soleil said) that it's a divorce and not to be taken lightly. I am going away (more on that later) on my Thursday morning so I'll ask him to call me either while I'm at work on Wed (his evening) or anytime during Wed night (his Thu morning - lunchtime). I don't really want him to call when I'm gone so if he doesn't do it before, then I'm back on Monday and we can make new arrangements then.

Once he calls, I plan to say that divorce is not what I want but I understand that he wants it and I don't want a marriage where I'm not respected and I don't feel loved/wanted. Is that confusing? I do want to say that I don't want a divorce, but is it counterproductive? Should I agree to it without saying I don't want it? Please give more more advice on how to handle this conversation and what to say there. Should I be upbeat?

Now, regarding my trip. I'm going home because I need to go to the dentist. My friend is also getting married that weekend and I wasn't planning on going but since I will be around for the dentist, I'm also going to that. The town where the wedding is, is a few hours drive away from my hometown and when I decided to go, I asked my mom to come with me for company since we also have family there. None of these people know what's going on. What do I do? I don't really want to tell, but I can't imagine lying for 5 days to everyone I see. The family there haven't met my H and they will all want to know about our wedding and stuff.... I can't really avoid the subject. I'm considering telling my mom some of it, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

-------

I really want to ask him WHYYY? Why did he decide he wanted a divorce if only a month ago he was telling me he wants to work things out and stepping up to being a real husband. It's not only with me, around the same time he started talking more to his family, everyone was delighted to see "the old him", nice and polite and asking about their affairs as opposed to only calling/emailing when he needed something and never being interested in anyone else but himself. And now he's back to being that person. It's like he's on this giant mood swing, 1-2 weeks up, 1-2 weeks down.

Regarding the legal side, I'm sort of lost here. We don't have any joint accounts or assets, and only have been married for a few months. So that's pretty straight forward I guess. The only thing is that I live in Europe and he's stationed in Asia right now, so I'm not sure how this is all going to happen, but I guess it's not really my problem?

Please help! TH, Coach, soleil, everyone else, I would like your insights and suggestions.

[soleil]

Once he calls, I plan to say that divorce is not what I want but I understand that he wants it and I don't want a marriage where I'm not respected and I don't feel loved/wanted. Is that confusing? I do want to say that I don't want a divorce, but is it counterproductive? Should I agree to it without saying I don't want it? Please give more more advice on how to handle this conversation and what to say there. Should I be upbeat?

Hey Ris! (found you)

I still think you should say something along the lines of "While I do not agree with your decision, I respect it. Please call me on X-day so that we can discuss the details of this furhter." And leave it at that. At this point, I don't consider this pursuing. I don't consider it pursuing because of the fact that he has told you over an email (sheesh) that he wants a D. You have a right to know more about paperwork, etc. Should he not bite and ignore you (which would be super immature), get your own L and prepare for this. Well, in the interim I believe you should talk to some Ls anyway (start calling around today).

I wouldn't sound overly excited when you talk to him. Just keep it clean and "professional"--like how you would talk to a boss. I am unsure of whether you should mention how you don't feel loved/wanted. Perhaps you could say something like, "I do not want to be M'ed to someone who does not want to be M'ed to me" should he bring something up...

I know this royally sucks but ... you will be fine. Trust me.

[pinhead]

Hang in there Ris. You've handled your sitch as well as you could, and you'll get through this! I know you don't want to hear this, but you have your whole life ahead of you; you'll find someone who can give you the love that will be the icing on your cake.

[ris]

Thank you soleil and pinhead.

I still think you should say something along the lines of "While I do not agree with your decision, I respect it. Please call me on X-day so that we can discuss the details of this furhter." And leave it at that. At this point, I don't consider this pursuing. I don't consider it pursuing because of the fact that he has told you over an email (sheesh) that he wants a D. You have a right to know more about paperwork, etc. Should he not bite and ignore you (which would be super immature), get your own L and prepare for this. Well, in the interim I believe you should talk to some Ls anyway (start calling around today).

I wouldn't sound overly excited when you talk to him. Just keep it clean and "professional"--like how you would talk to a boss. I am unsure of whether you should mention how you don't feel loved/wanted. Perhaps you could say something like, "I do not want to be M'ed to someone who does not want to be M'ed to me" should he bring something up...

I would like some more opinions on this. Not that I don't trust your advice soleil, but I just want to hear as much as possible of what people think of this because I'm really unsure of what to do. Thank you!

[TimeHeals]

I would like some more opinions on this. Not that I don't trust your advice soleil, but I just want to hear as much as possible of what people think of this because I'm really unsure of what to do.

Get as many opinions as you can on this, but... I don't know what difference it's going to make one way or the other. Your H is asking for a divorce, tells you this via email, you have been married a very short time, you have no intel or any idea if he is seeing anybody else.

It's not a position I envy

The last thing you need to worry about is how he will react one way or the other, I expect.

[ris]

Well just because I have no way of telling for sure, I'm going to assume there is no OW. You all probably think I'm naive, but I really doubt it. The only OW I can think of is his depression.

I guess if I choose to ask him to call me and assuming he would do it, I can either go "I don't want the divorce, but I'm not going to stop you" or "I understand, this marriage isn't working out for me either" route. So my question is which way to go?

[TimeHeals]

I think--and it's only my opinion--that you should do what is going to help build your own character.

If that's standing up to him and asking him to call to provide more details, then do that.

If it is walking away and not looking back, then do that.

You have to live with what you decide, so what is going to make you stronger going forward assuming this relationship has more or less ended?

[soleil]

Only you can decide what to say, Ris.

I know, you hate that answer but it is the truth.

[FindingMyVoice]

The last thing you need to worry about is how he will react one way or the other.

If that's standing up to him and asking him to call to provide more details, then do that.

If it is walking away and not looking back, then do that.

You have to live with what you decide, so what is going to make you stronger going forward assuming this relationship has more or less ended?

THIS. What do YOU need... for YOU?

[ris]

Okay, maybe I didn't word myself clearly. I'm not asking for you to choose for me (though that would be great :P Well, maybe not.) but more to tell me what the implications are. Like TH said that he thought the first one was pursuing and soleil disagreed (right?).