H pushing Divorce

[beastiemanager]

Sorry this is so long, but I thought it would help to alleviate questions by giving history. Grab a cup or a POT of coffee...

I have been married to my H for over 30 years. I have been dealing with his mlc for a couple of years. I am certain now that it probably started with the death of 2 of his closest friends a couple years before that! And he was forced to retire from military in 2003. He was 47 at that time. He is also a disabled vet. He was unable to continue on working. He has many health problems.

I have learned a great deal about midlife crisis. I have learned a great deal about me. I still have struggles with some codependent behaviors. Maybe people here may experience this as well. I guess the best way I can share my story is to put it in a time- line:
2008 spring – notice H is not himself, seems depressed

2008 summer- H is getting more detached, quiet, and distant. I begin to wonder if there is another woman. I ask him if he is having affair. He is appalled I would ask such a thing.

2008 Sept.- I find out he has been meeting with a “friend “ for coffee early in the mornings before he went to physical therapy work-outs. Actually it was my youngest daughter who found this out and knew about it for some time before confronting him.

He swears there is no affair and I believe it to be true. But I am bothered by this woman, friendship, etc. I don’t feel good about it. I ask him to be open about friendship. No more hiding calls,coffee meetings etc. Woman calls him constantly for help with her H. I meet with woman and I ask her about this friendship. She assures me there is no affair. They are just good friends and he is helping her with her alcoholic H’s bad behavior. I go along with it as this is not an uncommon event in our marriage. We have been active in helping recovering people.

2008 Oct\Nov.- H getting very distant. H will hardly look at me. He will hardly speak to me. When he does speak to me, it is very harsh at times. His eyes are so cold and lifeless. I am afraid for him. He is becoming a stranger. He has many issues with depression already, for several years before this.

2008 Dec – I start therapy to help me with anxiety attacks. I check phone logs and find e is texting with this woman all the time. I am beginning to have many attacks. She works at our pharmacy and I have trouble going in there. I want to overcome this panic.

2008 Dec- Therapist is sure he is having an affair, at least emotional affair going on with this woman. She directs me to nip the relationship in the bud. Do this as soon as I can. I do it next day. Tell woman the friendship needs to end. I tell H same. We need to work on our issues and if she cares, she will respect what I am saying.

Jan 2009 – H starts therapy, denies affair of any kind, can see no wrong in his actions at all.

Feb 2009 – H says he wants to separate. He is going to move into spare room.

March 2009 – H drops bomb. I love you, but I am not in love with you.

May – He says it isn’t working with him in the house. He wants to have space. I tell him I can support him having space and what else can I do to help him. Up to now I have been doing all the “wrong” things. The crying, begging, pleading etc, that we LBS’s do.

He moves into a friend’s house. Male friend. He sleeps there at night and comes home in the morning and stays all day to do chores and projects.

June 2009 - I find mlc group. Finally, I know this chaos has a name. I begin to educate myself.

2009 late Summer - I find the help of a veteran reconciler. She takes me under her wing so to speak.

2009 fall – Winter – H doing whatever he wants. Comes and goes with no word to me on when or where or if he will not be here. H is being very disrespectful. He does what he wants , eats meals here, then leaves. I get nothing in return.

2010 Jan- I have learned new strategy called No contact. It is time to implement it. I set boundary that H can come once a week to read mail, email and do financial tasks.

2010 March – I test waters and ask for some things from H. Things I need from him. He refuses.

2010 April- H sends me a text and says he will not change his mind on his loss of no feelings. He wants to talk about putting end to marriage. He wants to be adult and civil. I send text telling him I will not be meeting with him and I am going to need my space. I do not buy it. I will not be talking with him or calling.

“” “” sends me a text asking me to sign a paper. I send him a text telling him No I will not sign any papers. And from now on he can send me correspondence thru the mail. I ask him to tell me what I need to know and to put it in a letter. I get a letter with same old phrases and words from 2 years ago. He is still hung up back there. I resend a letter to him and tell him I may give him what he wants, but I want him to tell me what I need to know.

2010 April- I find out at pharmacy that woman is indeed OW. She posted being in an affair on her facebook account. H is trying to hide it….she is blabbing to cyber-space.

2010 June- Daughter has had it with her dad. She is tired of his sucking up and is very angry she has found out from a friend that he is hanging out with OW. Daughter sends a text to H telling him she no longer wants anything to do with him. He wants to know who said what, so she writes a letter to H telling him her story and mine. So now he knows we all know, the pharmacy knows. No response.

So that is my story. Sorry it is so long. There is much to tell in all this chaos! I am doing better. I have good and bad days. I just finished a good book on codependency that has helped me tremendously. So I am waiting it out. Standing. I need all the help I can get!



Updated Sept 10 - present
I get divorce papers served by H. He filed Aug-3. I guess I am not surprised. But it is extremely painful.

I received more papers from H's lawyer. Financial disclosures and Interrogatories. Lawyer sent note to say he received my Response and stated that he understood I did not want to seek this action, but H still does, and he is moving forward with it.

So I have decided the best thing I can do is is go along with it. At this point dragging things out is only making H that much more adamant to divorce. He is determined this is the answer to his problems...we will see. It will happen anyway. So trying to buy time isn't going to help at this point.

So I will meet with him. I am in a sense calling his bluff...sort of a "You want a divorce? You want to destroy our family? Okay, come on then, but know it is YOUR divorce not mine. You will live with this decision for the rest of your life and it's consequences. I did not say these things mind you...just thought them.

I am still going to stand. My daughters feel this is best move as well. "Let him go." Maybe it is only way he can move forward through tunnel too. Who knows. I guess this is the path we are to take.

I am holding onto belief that Higher Power is doing exactly what is needed, so Trust and go with the flow. Way easier said than done.

Sept14-
I did meet with H

I did well I think. Once it got a little argumentative but I stopped it. I will not have much changed. He will continue to pay for the house and car and insurances. There were a few things I guess we will share. I am grateful I can stay at my home. I am grateful it turned out as it did. But it was very painful to think about dividing things up. It was hard to see him as I have not seen him in 3 months.

I even asked if he would help to get a loan so I can add on as our kids are going to come back home and help me...financially and with stuff around here. he agreed to do that.

It was hard to keep on choking back tears, and that was frustrating. I told him that I wanted him to know this was HIS divorce, not mine. He said, " I know." Things came up about daughters and I told him that they are very angry with him. I said, " I am sorry that these are the consequences of your choices." I said, "you have not spoken to our D25 about any of this, in 2 years! Not one word to her." He wanted to argue that and I said, "well, maybe you will have to speak to her." Then I dropped it.


He has angry, guilty eyes. He wears a cap so it shades his eyes and he peers out over his glasses. They are empty or angry. I told him about some repairs I made and had to make. He asked what was needing fixing..I said the faucet is needing to be changed at some point. He ended up fixing it. He told me the cupboard doors which I had embellished with paintings really looked nice.

He asked me about 2 new kittens I have, but otherwise he didn't acknowledge dog or our other cat. I offered him coffee when he came and he had some, and I had some lunch as it was getting late so I asked if I could offer him a sandwich..he said yes....after a long pause. I wasn't sure what to do on that.


There were no hugs for me. He spoke about my being able to still get insurance benefits through military and he said and he said as long as I have been married to him through all those years , I said, "of your military career?" He said yes, I said "Yes, we sustained and nurtured you through them."

He didn't say anything, as if he was searching his mind for memory of that.

So he left after 2 hours. H did say the word "our" in a discussion on heat bills over last few years..and he has not refered to anything as OURS in a couple years. So whatever that was worth.

I know there are Standers here who are divorced, do you have any suggestions I would appreciate any advice. Thank you for taking the time to read this VERY long post.
beastiemanager

[punkin]

Welcome to this Board and F@#k the Military. If you read up on my sitch, you'll see we are twinkies. My court date is November 17th, the day after our 20th anniversery. He is still active duty, being forced to retire very, very soon, and took up with a active duty female our son's age.

I don't know if I will continue to stand or not, but regardless, I'll have my own life. He has to sleep in the bed that he made.

You've come to a good place for support.

[beastiemanager]

Thanks punkin. You are a good fellow poster for reading my novel. Thanks for the support. I will read your sitch. I actually have been a member of DB'ing since Sept. 09. I last posted in June, I think. I have been trying out some other websites as well and working on my codependent behavior, so I have been out of the loop on here for awhile. But good to be back. I need all the help I can get! And hopefully I can be of help to someone else.

[Truegritter]

Beastie

Welcome to these boards.

It appears you already know a lot about MLC

Cadet will be by to post the resources from this board for you to read.

You have come to the right place. Lots of great people here.

[LanceSijan]

Welcome to the boards, I see by your registration date that you have been here a long time. Have you read all the resources?

Cadet will come by if you need him to, but if you already have read all the stuff that he posts, he may not show up.
Let us know on your thread and I will speak to him.

For the moment I do not have much to add, except you must let go, as you are doing. It is hard but the single most important thing to do is detach.

As far as the divorce is concerned, it sounds like he is going to take care of his obligations, much of this(the divorce) might be coming from the OW. Continue to validate what he is doing but do not help him get the divorce.

Keep posting and asking questions.
The only bad one is the one you do not ask.

[beastiemanager]

thankyou true and lance.

I have read many of the resources, So there would be no reason to have to have Cadet to post them. Thank you for that. Unless Cadet has something they could suggest?

Otherwise I will work on detaching more. I think I am doing more of that these past few days. Been in a weird place with it all. Sor tof depressed and also able to relax a little more. I guess from not worrying about if he is serving me papers anymore! A little dark humor. But I am sad. Sad about our wonderful marriage.

Lance- I also feel that divorce push is coming from OW. When H left the day he met with me to talk division of things, when he left, he said "thank you," in a very strange way. Like a great weight was lifted. Like something was done he was dreading.

[LanceSijan]

Cadet's post is on JenniferA's thread. The seventh one down. You can review it there if you need any of the links.

From what you just posted he must carry through the divorce. He will try to make it your fault, and want you to carry it out. It does sound like the OW is pushing him. He must choose between her and you. Don't help him with the dirty work.
The sooner he knows that you are not the cause of his unhappiness, the better chance he will start to look within.

[beastiemanager]

Thank you Lance.

Is there anything that I can do or shouldn't do specifically? I feel he will carry throught the divorce as well. I think he is afraid to end it with OW. I think she used her health as a way to control him and get him "trapped? Something happened to her in late SPring and that is when she posted her being in a relationship with H on her facebook. I believe she may have used her health as way to guilt him into relationship possibly...maybe worse. Supposedly she was in drug induced coma for 4 days..almost died...

How do I not help him carry out dirty work you mentionm? What are things that would be dirty work? I have only done things I must legally do. Today I had to go to bank and open my own checking and savings account. That was stated by lawyer. I know I will NOT pack his things. I will NOT tell his mom who doesn't know yet! All he has told her is we are separated and he is living in her prior trailer home! Figure that! I will not do anything like that.

It was his day to be here, and he was here. He took some clothes from closet. He takes a little at a time. Mail still comes here, He still comes here on his day. Most of things are here.

Is there still hope for me to Stand? If he must carry through with divorce? And what can I do to show\exhibit\relay it is not my fault..if there is anything? Any thoughts or suggestions?

[punkin]

Beastie,

There is always hope. Sometimes it is all we have. Standing and for how long is a decision you have to make for yourself. You need to think of it as, do you really want to be with someone who can treat you with such disregard? The dirty work - he filed it, let him follow it through. All you have to do is protect yourself and your family. Don't participate with the D in any way other than you have to by law and to protect yourself.

Unfortunately, the best way to relay to others that it is not your fault is to do nothing. He's going to blame you for his unhappiness as long as he stays in the tunnel, regardless of what you do. Actually, it's not about fault, just maturity and responsiblity. Take the high road, but pick up a few rocks from the low road, just for protection.

[beastiemanager]

Thanks Punkin
Quote:
"You need to think of it as, do you really want to be with someone who can treat you with such disregard?"

Ya know? For the first time in 2 years I think I finally get this! Yeah, it doesn't mean I have to quit standing or give up really. It means I can look at it that way, do I really want to be with this person who treats me so badly? I can use it as a tool that helps me to build my self-esteem and to detach, detach, detach. I get stronger. And I can keep hope. It is all I have.

I will get myself a sack for those rocks I pick up from the low road. And I will walk the high road. No games, not participating in those. I hold my chin up and keep walking with dignity. I don't go out to purposely cause damage to H reputation, but if someone ASKS me about sitch, I will tell them the truth. I won't hide it. He tells people WE weren't getting along....ahhh no....H wasn't getting along.