heartsblessing posted this on my thread but I thought there was a lot of good information here so I wanted to share it on this thread.
Originally Posted By: heartsblessing
To answer the question you had about "how long does this take?" This is MY answer:
As each person is different, each crisis is different. What one will do another won't do; and it takes TIME for each person to come through, depending upon the issues of each individual.
Looks to me, from what I'm reading currently, he wants to start over again with you, Upside. Before, if I recall this correctly, this declaration had come through his counselor; now, he's saying it directly to you...and that's something different; plus the way it should be.
It takes a great deal of courage and strength for the MLC'er to come forward; and confess they want to make a new start with the LBS.
And even then they are STILL afraid, and extremely nervous; much like the "squirrel" Lance speaks of.
There is a real fear within them, fear that they won't meet your expectations, or even become the man they know you would want; the one who would meet your needs.
I dealt with my husband, as he was afraid and nervous....he did cycle back and forth within the tunnel as he was trying to come out, and not long before he came out, he finally asked within himself and got the answers that were within him all along.
If you really think about it, it would have been much easier for him to find someone else who had not suffered all the damage the LBS has suffered; so I've got to admire your husband for wanting to start over with you.
It takes more strength to come forward like this, than it does to walk away; and he could have done that, Upside; considering all that's happened between you.
Yes, I've read your thread, and caught up with it, AFTER I read the thread you'd started about the stages from Withdrawal to Acceptance.
When you gave up and moved forward with your life, this simple action seems to have brought him forward TOWARD you.
This is yet another possibility that can happen; as you let go, moving forward with your life, the MLC'er sees you moving forward without them, and they run to catch up...you are, in essence, leaving them behind.
Granted it doesn't work in all cases, but allowing for human nature, most of the time it does.
Now, the decision lays within your hands; it's up to you, it has always been up to you; you can stop this anytime you want to, it's YOUR life, and no one else's.
Anytime you decide to take a chance, it's always scary. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and there is always hope as long as you love your husband.
The damage he's done is something he will have to face within himself; if he hasn't already faced some of it, and in time, as the two of you continue to move forward together, he will need to talk to you about what has happened to him.
It was very hard for me when my husband wanted to try again with me, and as each day passed, it seemed that this would never end, but it did.
Different things came out at different times, and he beat himself up terribly....I listened to his pity parties quite often, validating his feelings; right or wrong, he had a right to what and how he felt. I supported him in the best way I could by just being there, and sometimes, he still would pull away at times...but I KNEW it was HIM, and not me.
No one can tell you what to do or how to do it; your intuition will guide you, if you allow it to, and I do NOT have any real time frames on how long it takes for them to come totally though.
From the time my husband broke and recommitted, it was 8 months before he exited the tunnel, and he still tried my patience sorely many times before then.
The issues they face are ongoing; some are faced before they recommit, some are faced as they move forward toward the end of the tunnel.
They may talk about it, they may not; and they may talk bits and pieces...and you may NEVER hear it all.
But-- as long as they settle their issues, and make the positive changes that allow them to become what God meant for them to be, that's really all that matters.
You must reach acceptance, forgiveness and healing for yourself; your husband cannot help you with that; you must do this on your own, just as he must finish on his own.
It's a long, hard road, when you're rebuilding a shattered marriage, but it can done. I know, I was there, right along with my husband; the possibilities were endless, and it seemed, at times, a daunting task for both.
And it took some time to rebuild trust; and I found, as time went on, the love between us strengthened, and became a different, stronger kind of love; one that would last our whole lives through.
During that time, I was called upon to bridge the gap between us, and it wasn't easy; as he processed his issues, I had to dig even deeper for patience, even as I often wondered if we'd be in there, forever.
But, we weren't.
When your eyes have been opened to the growing process, you don't stop growing after the MLC, you continue to learn and evolve and mature even more as you grow older; and your spouse does the same, right along with you.
Time is something you have at this point; continue to use it wisely; one step at a time, one day at a time.
Above all, trust in God to help you through, as, really, He knows more about the future than any of us could ever hope to know.
So, you keep letting go, letting your husband take the lead, don't get discouraged, and don't give up.
Best keep what you have, as you know him..it was termed to me as "better the devil you know, than the one you don't", as starting over with someone else can be fraught with problems...each person has their baggage they carry with them into relationships; it's something to think about, when you consider ending your marriage for whatever reason.
I was there, too, and had to really look hard at what I was doing before I decided to keep what I had.
No, I'm not "back"....I was here searching out some of my older posts earlier, and this post caught my eye....when I read it, I realized what was happening and figured you needed some more encouragement today.
When it comes right down to it, people can give all the advice in the world, but you are the one who has to live your life; no one can live it for you.
And you know your situation better than anyone else does; you're in it; others are not there with you, seeing what you see.
The decision to try again or not, is up to you, and no one else.
May God be with you and your husband, as you both begin to attempt the journey into unknown territory, Upside.
My prayers are with you, as they have always been.
