I have a thread in newcomers and have been posting there mainly for about a month now. But I need some more specific advice so I decided to make a thread here.
The basics are Me: 24, H: 26, D: 3, 2 SS: 7 and 5.
He deployed last July, was gone for a year. I'll never say I was wife of the year, but I wasn't a bad wife either. While he was gone I was often scared (his job was to find and blow up IED's) and as a result wasn't always "there". We talked all the time, but he felt I wasn't I really there is what I mean. In May he started throwing around a possible divorce, we went back and forth and when he came home in July I told him it wasn't what I wanted and he told me his mind was made up. When he came home on leave at the beginning of August he filed D papers without telling me in Arkansas (I live in Tennessee).
He spent his entire leave basically avoiding me and D, left on my birthday to go back to NY (where he's stationed). At the end of August I got confirmation on OW via text messages I found from him about her (a birthday dinner he paid for, him staying with her, etc). I confronted him but felt like I didn't really have enough info so it was mainly about his lies to me. Over the next few weeks I found out more, like that OW is now living in NY with him via a mutual facebook friend. I've been trying to stay dark and NC, but today it kind of blew up. He called and the conversation turned from D and him re-deploying next fall to OW. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about and I asked him to give me proof that there wasn't OW, I wound up with his facebook login info. Of course when I logged in all of his messages were gone, but I know who the OW is so I went to her facebook page. I found things that indicated she was living with him in NY which leads me to believe they've been "talking" and "dating" for longer than the 4 months we've been "separated" and definitely longer than the 2 he's been home. There were pictures of our kids, some photoshopped with cute little phrases like "our princess, our (D's name)" . .
I confronted him about my findings and he's still telling me he has no idea what I'm looking at, there's nothing showing he's having an affair (or had one), there's no OW, and I'm crazy. He's also been diagonosed with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and there's a very good possiblity he has PTSD as well. What I don't understand is why, if he's already filed D papers and has no intention of sticking around, why is he still lying? Why would it matter if I believe him or not? What steps do I take from here? I can do NC regardless of our D (he's only called once to talk to her in the past 3 weeks), because I'm definitely not ready to talk to him anymore right now.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
I don't believe the answers are universal. I think my H has a combination of shame and fear, which is likely universal, but i think he is scared of specific things that are situation specific. For instance, there is a fear of legal repricussions in my state. There is the fear of backlash with family, friends, or employment. There's the fear that if they DO change their mind, you won't take them back if they knew the 'truth' which is slightly stupid since reconciliation is only possible with truth. There is the fear that you will hate them and actually make them stop being in your life (aka cake eating).
There are many reasons, none of which make sense but simultaneously do. To everyone. I understand WHY he is afraid to tell me, I just wish he wasn't. He thinks he knows what my reactions would be and he doesn't. Which is why WE are told not to mind read. They suck at it too.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
JBK, he's military, so stationed in NY. When he deployed last summer I moved back to our hometown in TN. His legal state of residence is Arkansas, that's where his driver's license is issued, although he hasn't lived there in years. I have to counterfile here in TN because technically AR doesn't have jurisdiction over the case at all. It's complicated and stupid, honestly.
Hope, I definitely believe fear is a big part, but as for backlash, he's already introduced her to his family and our kids, without telling me. Of course no one ever said anything to me either, I think because they don't agree with it but don't want to not support him either. I wish I had more understanding, but I guess that's the last thing I can get from him right now.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Oh well that is just totally messed up! How could he take his OW to the family and they don't kick his ass?!
Because it's easier for them to not say or do anything that might make them uncomfortable. Confronting H will make them uncomfortable.
Agreed. I get the vibe that they don't agree with it but they're not going to say anything either because 1. he's the golden boy and 2. he's just come back from a year long deployment from hell. They go out of their way to not mention him or OW to/around me, so I don't know if they realize that I didn't know about her or if he just asked them not to because I'm sensitive (or whatever lie he came up with for them). But yes, totally messed up.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
