Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

Tonight her dropping S4 off was a little awkward. He came in, was all hugs and kisses for me. Normally I hug and kiss her as well, but not today. I didn't want to.

I felt the tension immediately. She hung around getting some things from the house here and then said goodbye to our son. She then kind of lingered on around me. Asked me how my day was and how I was doing. I replied, "I'm really doing great."

She kind of lingered on some more around me. I could feel that she wanted to give me a hug and say ILY. You know that feeling? She wouldn't leave when it was appropriate. I told S4 to stay inside, I would walk mom to the car. I did, we talked about the next exchange. I won't see her again until Friday. I told her to have a goodnight and was starting to walk away when I saw her start to cry. She said that she wished she could stay but she was so busy and never had any time for anything anymore (helllooo? with two parents it's easier, woman). She sat down in her car and cried with me standing next to her. I could feel that she wanted to ask why I wasn't showing her love an affection. You know that feeling?

Rather than just leave and let her cry, she asked if she could have a hug. I told her yes, that would be OK. She gave me a tight hug longer than normal. She then tried to kiss me and I gave her the "cheek" kiss she normally gave me. A.K.A. - crap kiss I'd rather not have. She then looked at me and put a nice long one on my lips, two in fact, and I didn't expect it. It was nice, but I still didn't need it. Sure, it was nice to have a kiss, but I'm beyond that right now. I don't need that anymore to feel loved and appreciated. I've got that right here within me.

I'm coming out of the fog again. This always happens when I'm away from her for a few days straight. I always reach clarity that I need to move on, and want to move on, as hard as it is. She always comes back and shows affection to either keep me in her backpocket, or make sure I'm not running away from her like she is from me. Probably both. I don't care anymore.

I'm just so beyond this anymore. I'm starting to see again how immature this whole sitch is. I'm not there yet by any means, but I am starting to feel like I'm going to be just fine.