Eating Corn Nuts

[C-Bart]

Hey Everyone. Thanks for the warm wishes. I do feel very blessed to have spent time with all of you on this forum. Funny how allot of the post make sense to me now. I realize my journey is not over but just a new chapter. There are challenges ahead for sure but somehow the ugly monster has stopped its pursuit of me.

Couple of things I learned during this process.

1. There are no perfect people in this world. Imperfections make us who we are and endure us to other people. I've spent so much of my time trying to be the perfect husband, father, employee that no one has gotten to know the real me. Not to mention its a ton of work being someone else!

2. Divorce Busting works 100% of the time. Before you point to the statistical data understand that DB is really not to save your M, it is to save you. If your M works out all the better.

3. There really is such a thing as a MLC. So many times I doubted that MLC was real. My own IC even poo-pooed the idea. MLC is real, its powerful and its a destroyer of families and marriages. It can be as devistating to the MLCer as it LBS.

4. Its important to be gentle with yourself when going through a separation or D. Did you do things that hurt your spouse? Of course. But, don't beat yourself up (refer to number 1). Use this time to reflect and heal what needs to be healed and change what needs to be changed. Do it for you and only you not for your spouse. That's giving to get and will backfire on you big time.

5. Connect to other "safe" people. These are the folks you can discuss things without the story coming back to you. Hopefully these people can listen without judging and that includes your spouse. Very hard to find people who are safe. I found them in my minister, my sister, my IC. Safe people will rarely tell you what to do but they will tell you when your not walking the correct path. They will hold you to a higher standard.

6. Boundaries are not rules and rules are not boundaries. Understanding how my lack/week boundaries impacted my attitude and how people treated me took me a long time to understand. I work on this everyday. I think boundaries, well defined boundaries, are essential for all healthy relationships.

7. It is possible to love again so be careful. Not just for your sake but for the sake of the other people who will come into your life.

8. There is a God and prayers are answered. That doesn't mean we will always get what we ask for.

9. Pain is a good thing as it causes us to focus on what is wrong. Without the intense pain of the D and S I would have never addressed my own issues. Without the pain I would have never sought out help.

10. Emotions are more powerful than logic. One of the keys for me was to get over my emotional reactions. I could not do this one on my own - I live better through chemistry. The logic behind this is simple. The continual stress of a D/S causes your body to react to everything as a threat. Your reaction is to fight or flight or eventually just shut down. ADs gave me the space to think again versus react.

11. Retro is worth the time. If you can get your spouse to go, do. If you don't believe me ask my XW. She told me 4 months after the fact that she is re-living every moment of the weekend. She is the one that is now pushing the post sessions and after meetings. This comes from someone who was going just to placate me. Someone who purposely try to sabotage the process.

12. All list must end with an even number.

Forgive my long post (personal record). I look forward to seeing how things move over the next few months.