Do I wait her out?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I finally found it:
"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy

[Stubborn-Male]

Thanks gr8, I will read and digest.

[DanF]

Since the letter I haven't had any 'bad' days, so that must be good for me. It is strange though, I have no interest in what my wife is doing, it's an unusual feeling.

You are way ahead of the curve. good job

I wish I could get here. W wasn't home last night (we are separated) and I couldn't stop wondering what she and the kids were doing. That is NOT dropping the rope!!!

Keep up the good work!

[Stubborn-Male]

I thought you all might be interested in the e-maoil I sent my wife on 29th.August.

Dear xxxxx

You have misconstrued my saying let us wait a while to sort the house out; I am not stalling for reconciliation, after what you have done and your total disregard for me, I am not available for reconciliation with you now; it is not on my agenda. I know you better than anyone, you are not yourself, this ‘MLC madness’ or whatever you are in, can last for months or years and I am not interested in the person you are now, You have to do this journey on your own and wait for your train to crash, as it will. I have not decided what I want to do yet and am going to take my time to consider all of my options.

You now say you want to be alone, that is your choice, as it was your choice to be married. It was your choice to love me and your choice to stop loving me. If our marriage isn’t worth anything to you, why should it be worth anything to me?

I have loved you unconditionally and remained your faithful and supportive partner for 12 years now. It was my dream to grow old with you and share our life and the wonderful memories we have; but the things you have done, and the selfish attitudes you are taking towards me just now, have destroyed those memories as well as those dreams.

I am going on with my life to do what I want to do. I wanted that life to be with you; however, you have made the choice to walk away and put no effort into repairing our marriage, so that will preclude that. I deserve to be with a person that loves me for who I am, a person that loves me as much as I love them and a person who will stand up for me when needed; and I will not settle for less than I deserve. I did find a partner like that once, and lost her; I thought I had found another; I was wrong. You have, as a coward and a runner, walked out and gone your own way and will not be back; I am therefore going to redeem the time that I have left and rebuild my life.

I now feel that it would be in my best interests, for us to go our own way and I want to have no contact with you for quite some time. I neither want nor need the stress that you create in my life.

I cannot understand why you would want to be ‘friends’. Why would I want or need to be your friend? You walked out on me with no notice, abandoned me when I was ill and unable to cope on my own, what kind of person would do that and expect to still be a friend? Friends we cannot be, I will not be your ‘safety net’ or ‘back-up plan’ for when things go wrong for you, as they surely will.

You now have access to ample money to buy a house if you wish, though I still feel that for the moment renting is a better option for you. Hopefully you will find work soon, so you should be able to live quite comfortably by your own efforts, instead of mine.

The sad part of this whole affair is that if you had had the courage and moral fibre to talk about things in years past, life could have been so much better for both of us and we would not be where we are now. Know that my heart is full of love, forgiveness and compassion for you at this time.

I wish you well in your new life and hope that you find the adventure you seek and the happiness you want, from within yourself.

xxxxx

I hope I didn't go 'over the top'.
Any reassuring comments would be appreciated.
We have had no contact, other than the picnic mentioned previously, since the letter.

[Doodi]

Thanks for posting this. As a potential WAW, it was something I needed to see. I imagined if I was ready to get an email like this from my H. How would I feel, etc.? So thanks for giving me a little more to think through before I do anything else.

Smooches,
Doodi

[Stubborn-Male]

Doodi,
I have been reading your posts and my heart goes out to you.
Please try and be positive, that is the only thing that has made a real difference to me.
Though our situations are quite different I have found it facinating to read your posts and the insight they give.
I am glad you found my letter thought provoking, if my posts can help just one person in the world, other than me, then I am content.

Hugs,

[robx]

I thought you all might be interested in the e-maoil I sent my wife on 29th.August.

Dear xxxxx

You have misconstrued my saying let us wait a while to sort the house out; I am not stalling for reconciliation, after what you have done and your total disregard for me, I am not available for reconciliation with you now; it is not on my agenda. I know you better than anyone, you are not yourself, this ‘MLC madness’ or whatever you are in, can last for months or years and I am not interested in the person you are now, You have to do this journey on your own and wait for your train to crash, as it will. I have not decided what I want to do yet and am going to take my time to consider all of my options.

You now say you want to be alone, that is your choice, as it was your choice to be married. It was your choice to love me and your choice to stop loving me. If our marriage isn’t worth anything to you, why should it be worth anything to me?

I have loved you unconditionally and remained your faithful and supportive partner for 12 years now. It was my dream to grow old with you and share our life and the wonderful memories we have; but the things you have done, and the selfish attitudes you are taking towards me just now, have destroyed those memories as well as those dreams.

I am going on with my life to do what I want to do. I wanted that life to be with you; however, you have made the choice to walk away and put no effort into repairing our marriage, so that will preclude that. I deserve to be with a person that loves me for who I am, a person that loves me as much as I love them and a person who will stand up for me when needed; and I will not settle for less than I deserve. I did find a partner like that once, and lost her; I thought I had found another; I was wrong. You have, as a coward and a runner, walked out and gone your own way and will not be back; I am therefore going to redeem the time that I have left and rebuild my life.

I now feel that it would be in my best interests, for us to go our own way and I want to have no contact with you for quite some time. I neither want nor need the stress that you create in my life.

I cannot understand why you would want to be ‘friends’. Why would I want or need to be your friend? You walked out on me with no notice, abandoned me when I was ill and unable to cope on my own, what kind of person would do that and expect to still be a friend? Friends we cannot be, I will not be your ‘safety net’ or ‘back-up plan’ for when things go wrong for you, as they surely will.

You now have access to ample money to buy a house if you wish, though I still feel that for the moment renting is a better option for you. Hopefully you will find work soon, so you should be able to live quite comfortably by your own efforts, instead of mine.

The sad part of this whole affair is that if you had had the courage and moral fibre to talk about things in years past, life could have been so much better for both of us and we would not be where we are now. Know that my heart is full of love, forgiveness and compassion for you at this time.

I wish you well in your new life and hope that you find the adventure you seek and the happiness you want, from within yourself.

xxxxx

I hope I didn't go 'over the top'.
Any reassuring comments would be appreciated.
We have had no contact, other than the picnic mentioned previously, since the letter.

I think it was over the top,
I can sense a strong emotional response in that letter,
you are angry at her for leaving you, the letter has a bit of a poetic ring to it, it's very grand and sparks a lot of imagery, maybe you were trying to get an emotional response from her after reading this letter.

I would have told her something more simple like:

"Dear XXXXX,
You have misconstrued my saying let us wait a while to sort the house out; I am not stalling for reconciliation.
I have decided that it would be in my best interests for us to go our separate ways, your request to be friends sounds good, I think one day that might very well be possible. I hope your house hunting/renting efforts work out and I hope you find work soon, these things will help you move on. I wish you well in your new life and hope that you find happiness.

Yours truly.... XXXXX"

You sound angry in some parts, jaded/jilted in others, don't want to be friends but then then wishing her happiness from within and all that other stuff, way too involved, very much over the top but it's done, you can't take it back now.

Not so much a reassuring comment but an honest one from me, more important however, what are you doing to move on with your life now?

[Stubborn-Male]

Hi robx,

I appreciate your honesty. Yes, perhaps it was over the top, and certainly my emotions are involved. We have had very, very few conversations about what has happened and why, she will just not discuss the relationship side of things. She has only contacted me when she wanted something and only wants to talk about money.

I was only trying to put my perspective on the situation. Yes I am still a little angry, but most of the anger that I did have has subsided. I did not want or expect a response from her, she has never replied to any of my previous letters about our relationship.

I wanted to make the point about being friends, one of the first things she said to me after she left was that she hoped we could still be friends. This was within a week of her leaving and I was still in a drug haze and didn't understand what was going on and certainly not that she was leaving me. I thought she was just stressed out with exhaustion after caring for me. I see the friends thing as easing her guilt for leaving me whilst I was ill.

I see the happiness comment as reasonable, I have been with this woman for 12 years and have only wished for her happiness. It's difficult to just stop loving someone after that periond of time and also hard to stop caring for their well being.

My wife does seem to be in a bit of a dream world, with no acceptance of reality. She still appears to expect the benefits of our marriage but does not want the baggage, me.

As regards what I am doing about moving on, I am much more in control of my own life now, and have come to terms with the fact that she will almost certainly not be back. I have resumed my socialising, which has been on hold for a long time whilst I was ill. I am enjoying doing house renovations. Playing with my classic motorbikes and have joined a shooting club. I am a little involved with a country dance group, though at the moment my feet are hurting a lot (side effects of the anti-cancer drugs) so not much dancing on my part, but I am meeting and socialising with people. I have no feelings for dating at the moment, just enjoying company.

I would like to remain married to my wife, but she has changed beyond my recognision and the woman she is now I could not live with. My only option appears to be to move on, the financial side of things is complicated but could be sorted; so move on I will.