I think a lot of this is unrealistic expectations on their part. I think that is part of my W's problem too. It just didn't turn out like I expected it to. They have a fairy tale planned out in their mind from when they were young and when their life doesn't turn out as planned, they melt down. I have read about this in some relationship books.
I don't believe they are ever going to find thier fairy tale, while we are left to move on and pick-up the pieces. We will have good lives again, eventually, because we are grounded in reality and choose to enjoy life as we have it. Not because it is better than theirs, but because we just appreciate that which we have.
Sorry you are all here with me. This is just going to be one of life's down periods for us, but it's duration is limited and we have much upside potential. This too shall pass.
I don't believe they are ever going to find thier fairy tale, while we are left to move on and pick-up the pieces. We will have good lives again, eventually, because we are grounded in reality and choose to enjoy life as we have it. Not because it is better than theirs, but because we just appreciate that which we have.
Sorry you are all here with me. This is just going to be one of life's down periods for us, but it's duration is limited and we have much upside potential. This too shall pass.
I really like this - hugs Dan
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I have been a little unsettled lately. Ever since the incident after MC a couple of weeks ago, I have had a strange apprehensive feeling. It was vague at first, but I have really tried to be introspective and nail it down. I think I've figured it out and it has been weird to consider.
I think the fog is rolling in on me too.
After actually telling her to her face that I wasn't sure if I was still in love with her, I spent all night with an internal dialog running in my head. It was mostly self pity, but there were glimmers of something else. Something more omminous. It wasn't that I didn't love my wife anymore, but that maybe I never did. WTF?
Luckilly, it didn't pop out on me at once. By bits, I've been experiencing a host of WAW script feelings and rationalizations. Thank God, I've been here for months learning. I can recognize these feelings for what they are. Even so, they ARE very convincing.
Part of my mind is trying to convince the rest of me that: "I was never happy. not really anyway." and "Maybe we were never right for each other." Things that always annoyed me are beginninng to take on a larger life and I'm having a hard time actually remembering how I felt when I was happy. I know I was, and that it wasn't a sham, but as this drags out, the happy memories are becomming dimmer and dimmer.
I will NEVER tell myself that "the kids will be better off", or any other such rubbish, but most of the other parts of the script have run accross my mind off and on for the last few weeks. Ever since that one seminal moment. My "bomb" if you will.
The funny thing is, that I can make a rational argument against it all. Last week at MC, W bemoaned that she felt like I was full of it because I always said I was happy before this. She did not and still doesn't believe it.
I asked MC if he was a car guy. I asked him if he would be happy if I gave him a brand new Z06 Vette. Of course he said yes. So I asked if he would still be happy with it if I broke off the knobs on the radio. He said: yep. OK what if I also made a small scratch in the paint job. Right by the door handle, so he'd see it every day. Still yep. OK, what if he got a flat. Those are not standard tires. Probably run 4-5 hundred bucks a pop. Would he bitch a little? probably. But, would he still be happy. Yes. Deleriously happy. Hell, it's a Z06 forcryinoutloud. That's how I answered her disbelief that I was happy. EVEN though there are things I didn't always like, she was my Z06.
But this is bigger than a knob, a scratch and a flat. for 6 months I haven't had a blissfull moment with her. All this time of impending doom, of, at first, resentment and then acceptance of this, of detesting her for imperiling our children's happiness is taking it's toll.
I am a better man now. I have lost 40 lbs and counting. I am even closer with my kids now. I am no longer a doormat in any way. Plus, by studying here, I have learned to empathize and understand that she is hurt and confused. I've owned my faults and tried to change. I have developed some outside interests and have many many things that I want to do. In many ways I'm the old me again. But the pall that has fallen over us is playing tricks on MY mind now. Did any of the vets run into this? are any of my contemporaries fighting it now?
IS THE FOG CONTAGIOUS?
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I go through the same feelings sometimes (well, almost every day). I can't tell if it's a self-protection thing, or what. I think that it's just the rose-colored glasses being removed. Not fog. Seeing the relationship and your partner more clearly.
For example, while I think I've made huge personal strides, I don't see the same self-eval in my wife. She's trying, and sometimes has a little break through, and she acts much better than before, showing me so much more respect than in the past.
But her big demons, she doesn't go near. There be dragons...
So it's worrisome thinking that some of the core issues of our relationship aren't being worked on.
I'm not having that fog AG. I am still in the disbelief mode and am really having a hard time lately. Last night I was very upset with W for "doing this to me and our family." I just can't get over her.
I really wish that I didn't care and that I could move on without all this grief. Most days I am good, but then it hits me again.
I can relate to your example and am in tune with your last paragraph too, except for the fog part. Maybe it is YOUR defense mechanism to allow you to deal with the situation. Does it make it any easier?
I don't know if it's LBS fog or reality. This whole mess causes us to look within like never before. I have come to the realization that there were a lot of things I didn't like about my W and our relationship but didn't bring them up thinking it was a "normal" part of M and they were small things that would just go away with time.
Now I know the only normal thing to do is to bring things up and talk them out. It is, in fact, our responsibility to do so. The things I didn't like about her could have been either changed on her part or better understood on mine. And vice-versa. It is always a two way street.
You have been an extremely fast learner here. I have been just the opposite. I just got off the phone with my L and am going in tomorrow morning to sign the papers. It's time to let it all go. The LBS becomes the WAS. The difference is all we have learned about ourselves and have taken the steps to improve. My W has her mom and dad who have offered to help her out financially. She really has no clue as to how hard this will be or what it will do to the kids. NO CLUE. She just wants out.
Anyway, I think you have simply come to the point where you realize that your W isn't the one to make you happy. She isn't your whole world, even though it felt like it when she said she wanted out. You know the two of you, together, could "adapt and overcome". If she's not interested, you understand that you did your best and will, eventually, be better off without the poison she is bringing into the relationship.
I don't think the fog is contagious. I think that, without realizing it, you are seeing things more clearly that ever.
You three guys have been by my side all along. It feels like we've grown up together, because in a lot of ways we have. Thank you for your take on this. I think there is probably a good deal of truth in each one.
I am certain that it's partly a psychological defense mechanism. Hell, it's straight out of the WA playbook. They've been hurt, so they make up a bill of goods about us and what rotten bastards we are to make it easier on them.
But I can also see that there are things that have always caused me a pain in the um, backside, about her. If I hadn't been here all along, I'm sure that MY WAS script would be getting polished up and that all the good things would be long lost.
IDU, you are right. It WAS my responsibility to point them out and demand better behavior all along. It's a responsibility that I abbrogated. It got broomed under the door mat that I was. It contributed to a lot of her problems with me, and now, I suppose mine with her.
So, It's probably a combination. Part of it is a twisting of the past to protect myself now. Part of it was a twisting of the present back then to protect myself in the future. Too bad none of it worked.
This new twist has come as an unexpected development. I have been keenly aware of her revision of history. I expected to walk away from this with my own grasp of history firmly rooted in reality. Now I can see how they can be so addled. It's like brain-washing from within.
It's very confusing and humbling to think I might be just as susceptible to this bologna.
And NO Dan; it doesn't really help at all. It still sucks.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
A_goodman, I have been reading along your thread since you started it. I have only replied once or twice, but I have been reading along. Almost every word you have uttered here, especially today, I could have written and definitely felt or thought. I completely understand and feel for you. I hope that I can get stronger so that I can be where you are now. You get to make the choices now and she is no longer in control. I have some different issues to work through than you, but our wives might be twins in what they say and how they act. I frankly am tired of it and I hope to keep learning from your thread. Keep strong, and I hope you work things out the way that is beneficial to you and your family. I will keep watching here. Good Luck I am behind you.
