911 Puppy...PLEASE HELP!

[courts0818]

I don’t know if anyone is even reading what I post anymore, but here goes. This is kind of like a journal for me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking. We are in the middle of a series at church about joy and the messages have really hit me hard. In fact, yesterday as I sat in church with tears filling up my eyes, I knew I had to make a change. The pastor was talking about pain, suffering and grief. He was reminding us that joy often comes through pain. And he was saying that if we stay in the same place and just try to ignore or deal with our circumstances – most often things don’t get better. And what really hit home is when he said something about this: we think we are managing the pain/situation. We think we are doing an okay job, but to the people who need us the most, we are not being the person we were created to be. WOW. IDK if that makes sense to anyone, but that spoke to my heart. The truth is…I haven’t been the mom I was created to be. As hard as I have tried to do a good job and focus on other things, I know I have snapped at DD, easily lost my patience with her, haven’t sat down and taken the time to play with her like I should have bc I was too upset, busy or distracted.

I love that little girl more than I love anything in this world. Besides, Jesus Christ, she is the light of my life. Everyday she makes me smile and laugh. I am so proud to be her mom. She’s amazing, silly, happy, energetic, enthusiastic, smart, fun, loving, sweet and playful. And yet…there are days when I am so disappointed in the way I’ve acted around her. I’ve allowed my emotions and the actions of my H to totally interfere.

Well enough is enough. With what has happened with my H, there is no perfect solution. I could divorce bust my butt off, yet no matter which course of action I decide to take there will be pros and cons.

Regardless of what others might think, I have really thought about this and I’m trying to follow my gut. I’m definitely NOT trying to go against any advice that I have been given. I’m trying to pull myself out of the valley of death – bc that’s where I’m at. Even though I’m not facing a death – the pain is just as intense and I don’t have the energy to stay where I’m at. I’m ready to make some choices and trust that God is going to be with me.

I have decided that I’m going to give H the option to move back WITH boundaries. He has been all talk. He’s said he wanted to move back home several times in the past, but OW said if he left she was going to tell me everything. I know the IDEAL would be for H to get his own place and for us to clear our heads, try dating and see if this is something we want to work on, but that hasn’t happened. And I know that due to the big financial mess H has got himself into, he truly cannot afford a place of his own. In fact, he’s messed so much up that he bounced a check for our last mortgage payment. I’m not going to rescue him or dig him out of this financial mess, but I will open the door to our home which he has been paying for since he left.

I decided to do this bc I want to see what he’s going to do. Now that he can’t use financial obstacles (getting his own place) as his excuse, I want to see if he makes the choice to come home or to stay with her. I’m giving him the option to do what’s right and we’ll see what he does.

Things are out in the open, I know the truth and now it’s in his hands. He can’t say there were barriers for him to come home. And I can move forward knowing that I did everything I could to give him opportunities to come home to his family. He’s said he wants to see DD everyday, he’s said he would work on the marriage for her – we’ll see if he does. As of right now, I’m fine with both us being wiling to work on the marriage just for her. I know things can’t stay that way forever, but I think bc of everything – neither of us has loving feelings towards each other. However, I want to see if we can get those feelings back. I want to at least open the door.

I’m not willing to forget what my H has done, but I am willing to try and forgive. Not just for him, but for my own sake and for DD. And I will not beg him to move back. I just want to open the door and welcome him back with boundaries. I’ve been very distant and bit of a b!tch and I’m just tired of living this way. This is not the person I really am.

I have done so many things that haven’t work. For some, ignoring their walk always, getting a life and similar things may have worked. But, it hasn’t worked for me. I’m not blaming the techniques bc most of the time I didn’t do them 100% correct (or probably even 50% correct). I just know that different things work for different people.

I would like to give H the option to come back home. If he doesn’t, then I’m going to file for a legal separation. I’m done living a “fake” life acting like everything is okay when I’m truly breaking. I’m putting it all out there and my lips are going to match my heart – meaning I’m going to say how I feel. I can’t keep acting like everything is okay or trying to convince myself that I’m managing this well. This will be part of my healing and moving forward process or part of my grieving and letting go process.

Just sitting here and waiting is no longer healthy for me. It’s becoming overwhelming and I don’t like where I’m at. Like I said, no matter the outcome is – there are going to be pros and cons. It’s going to be a painful road if he comes home and it’s going to be a painful road if he doesn’t. I just know since he walked out, I’ve wanted him back home. I’m totally hurt right now and I know he has a lot of serious changes to make, but I want to invite him back to his family. I realize he might turn me down and that’s okay. Then, I will know for sure that it’s time to legally separate.

If anyone is reading this and wants to leave feedback, you are welcome to do so. In my head this makes sense, but I understand it might not make sense to others. I appreciate value and respect all of the advice and support others have shown me - even when it seemed like advice was going in one ear and out the other.

IDK…I just feel at this time, this is the right decision for me. For the first time in a long time I have a sense of peace. Ahhhh...it feels good to just get all of this out.