Wow okay...just ignore, huh? Well, he's not going to leave me alone, but that's his problem. I know how frustrating it is to be ignored, but that's giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Well, I reached my goal of not contacting H. It's a small start. I told myself I was going to stop communicating with him until my next counseling session which is tomorrow. So, I went from 9/3-9/14 (well...I'm not gonna talk to him tonight so I'm counting it as tomorrow already).
And I did not give him any money. These are good small steps for me.
I wanted to get some thoughts though...yesterday my mom and I were talking about how H has pretty much hit rock bottom. He is drinking way too much - like every time I see him. He is back to smoking - gross! (he used to ONLY smoke when he was at the bar). He's got himself into a very big financial mess. He is spending a lot of time and a lot of money gambling and betting on sports. Besides his cheating and his lying, he seems to just be throwing his life away on this crap that could really hurt him.
I told my mom I thought about talking to his parents - not to bash him or play the role of the victim, but just to inform them. I saw in an email that H told his mom he cheated so they already know that. I'm not expecting miracles if I talk to his parents, I just wonder if they can possibly get through to him about the choices he's making. He needs an intervention.
He can be such a great guy - funny, fun to be with, pretty laid back and flexbile, but I'm seeing all of this crap just suck up all of his money, time and happiness. And yet he's turning to these things for "happiness."
I don't think anyone else really knows how wrapped up in drinking, smoking and betting he is. Although I really don't know if I can ever forgive him and save our marriage, I do care about him and his life.
I don't know if talking to his parents is a good idea or not. He has the type of parents that think their children can do no wrong. In fact, I think one of the reasons H denied for so long and doesn't like to be held accountable is directly related to his parents and them never making him take responsibility for his actions. Man...it was the opposite at my house growing up! Anyway, his parents adore our DD and I thought in her interest they might actually listen to what I have to say.
IDK...I just hate seeing H waste his life away. It's so sad and pathetic. Of all the amazing things this life has to offer, why would someone spend so much time drinking and gambling? I know why, but it's ridiculous.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I don’t know if anyone is even reading what I post anymore, but here goes. This is kind of like a journal for me.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. We are in the middle of a series at church about joy and the messages have really hit me hard. In fact, yesterday as I sat in church with tears filling up my eyes, I knew I had to make a change. The pastor was talking about pain, suffering and grief. He was reminding us that joy often comes through pain. And he was saying that if we stay in the same place and just try to ignore or deal with our circumstances – most often things don’t get better. And what really hit home is when he said something about this: we think we are managing the pain/situation. We think we are doing an okay job, but to the people who need us the most, we are not being the person we were created to be. WOW. IDK if that makes sense to anyone, but that spoke to my heart. The truth is…I haven’t been the mom I was created to be. As hard as I have tried to do a good job and focus on other things, I know I have snapped at DD, easily lost my patience with her, haven’t sat down and taken the time to play with her like I should have bc I was too upset, busy or distracted.
I love that little girl more than I love anything in this world. Besides, Jesus Christ, she is the light of my life. Everyday she makes me smile and laugh. I am so proud to be her mom. She’s amazing, silly, happy, energetic, enthusiastic, smart, fun, loving, sweet and playful. And yet…there are days when I am so disappointed in the way I’ve acted around her. I’ve allowed my emotions and the actions of my H to totally interfere.
Well enough is enough. With what has happened with my H, there is no perfect solution. I could divorce bust my butt off, yet no matter which course of action I decide to take there will be pros and cons.
Regardless of what others might think, I have really thought about this and I’m trying to follow my gut. I’m definitely NOT trying to go against any advice that I have been given. I’m trying to pull myself out of the valley of death – bc that’s where I’m at. Even though I’m not facing a death – the pain is just as intense and I don’t have the energy to stay where I’m at. I’m ready to make some choices and trust that God is going to be with me.
I have decided that I’m going to give H the option to move back WITH boundaries. He has been all talk. He’s said he wanted to move back home several times in the past, but OW said if he left she was going to tell me everything. I know the IDEAL would be for H to get his own place and for us to clear our heads, try dating and see if this is something we want to work on, but that hasn’t happened. And I know that due to the big financial mess H has got himself into, he truly cannot afford a place of his own. In fact, he’s messed so much up that he bounced a check for our last mortgage payment. I’m not going to rescue him or dig him out of this financial mess, but I will open the door to our home which he has been paying for since he left.
I decided to do this bc I want to see what he’s going to do. Now that he can’t use financial obstacles (getting his own place) as his excuse, I want to see if he makes the choice to come home or to stay with her. I’m giving him the option to do what’s right and we’ll see what he does.
Things are out in the open, I know the truth and now it’s in his hands. He can’t say there were barriers for him to come home. And I can move forward knowing that I did everything I could to give him opportunities to come home to his family. He’s said he wants to see DD everyday, he’s said he would work on the marriage for her – we’ll see if he does. As of right now, I’m fine with both us being wiling to work on the marriage just for her. I know things can’t stay that way forever, but I think bc of everything – neither of us has loving feelings towards each other. However, I want to see if we can get those feelings back. I want to at least open the door.
I’m not willing to forget what my H has done, but I am willing to try and forgive. Not just for him, but for my own sake and for DD. And I will not beg him to move back. I just want to open the door and welcome him back with boundaries. I’ve been very distant and bit of a b!tch and I’m just tired of living this way. This is not the person I really am.
I have done so many things that haven’t work. For some, ignoring their walk always, getting a life and similar things may have worked. But, it hasn’t worked for me. I’m not blaming the techniques bc most of the time I didn’t do them 100% correct (or probably even 50% correct). I just know that different things work for different people.
I would like to give H the option to come back home. If he doesn’t, then I’m going to file for a legal separation. I’m done living a “fake” life acting like everything is okay when I’m truly breaking. I’m putting it all out there and my lips are going to match my heart – meaning I’m going to say how I feel. I can’t keep acting like everything is okay or trying to convince myself that I’m managing this well. This will be part of my healing and moving forward process or part of my grieving and letting go process.
Just sitting here and waiting is no longer healthy for me. It’s becoming overwhelming and I don’t like where I’m at. Like I said, no matter the outcome is – there are going to be pros and cons. It’s going to be a painful road if he comes home and it’s going to be a painful road if he doesn’t. I just know since he walked out, I’ve wanted him back home. I’m totally hurt right now and I know he has a lot of serious changes to make, but I want to invite him back to his family. I realize he might turn me down and that’s okay. Then, I will know for sure that it’s time to legally separate.
If anyone is reading this and wants to leave feedback, you are welcome to do so. In my head this makes sense, but I understand it might not make sense to others. I appreciate value and respect all of the advice and support others have shown me - even when it seemed like advice was going in one ear and out the other.
IDK…I just feel at this time, this is the right decision for me. For the first time in a long time I have a sense of peace. Ahhhh...it feels good to just get all of this out.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I think making any sort of decision when the decision has been a struggle sort of brings a sense of peace.
I guess I am a little confused... is he still with OW? I know this is not what you want to hear but if he is still in contact with her he will not be able to focus on the marriage. She really will have to be removed from her in every way.
I can't say your plan is a good one or not but I would not tell him if he chooses not to move home you will legally separate. If he chooses not to come home then you know what you have to do for you.
((((((((courts)))))))) I think CG has it right. Tell him he can come back, with no contact with OW. That you will not continue to live the way you are. Don't tell him what the consequences are, just tell him what you won't tolerate.
I don't know what his reaction will be, but if you make it an ultimatum, he will pull away for sure.
once you get to your breaking point you know it. Living in uncertainty is horrible. Knowing you will be OK regardless of the outcome is healthy thinking.
Conquering your fear is also healthy and builds character.
Giving your H the choice to come home is OK as long as you inform him there will be boundaries. Especially contact with OW.
This can't be a bluff. If you set a boundary and he breaks it, you need to enforce it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
