I think it's time that I box up her things and store them in my detached garage.
I'm not doing it out of spite though. Before now I probably would have just packed up her crap and put it in boxes just to piss her off or get a reaction next time she was over at the house.
I just really want all of it out of my house. I'll pack it really well, very nice and neat. Labeled and everything. I'm not angry about having to do this, I just need to start moving on.
It hurts that I have to do this, but I know it is necessary. I know a lot of people here pack up their WAS sh!t out of anger but I don't think I'm that way right now. The past 3 days of little contact with her has given me a little more clarity.
I'm just sad that I have to do it. So, I'll bring home some boxes today from work and start the process. She's trying to move forward, I should be too. She's made it very clear that she can't work on a relationship with me right now. I have to be OK with that.
This is just one more step towards trying to detach and move on. It hurts, but it's a necessary hurt.
I really hope when you start this, you don't find the sh!t I found. I started out nice and neat then after my findings just started piling everything in any space that would fit. My intentions at the start were honorable though, if that counts.
It is sort of sad when you have to box up the stuff of a WAS (or you don't have to I suppose but when you choose to or they ask for their things).
For me it was sort of a purging. And I must say once my H took his things the energy of the house changed and I sort of really felt like my house was mine. Now that a few years have passed it feels like I have lived here on my own for a long time and it feels nice.
And maybe it won't be your key to detachment but it will be a step forward for you.
I agree that all you need to say to your W is you are not ready to discuss anything at this time. Whatever reaction she has to that is hers to deal with. Detaching "on command" is not easy and feels rather forceful (at least it did to me) but giving yourself lots of space to regroup your brain will help. She might get angry and that is okay too - the real trick (and trust me, it's a trick!) is to allow her to deal with her stuff on her own and you deal with your stuff on your own.
Blocking her from FB or whatever "extra" communication she has (aside from your child of course) are ways to create space for you.
I really hope when you start this, you don't find the sh!t I found. I started out nice and neat then after my findings just started piling everything in any space that would fit. My intentions at the start were honorable though, if that counts.
dare I ask what you found?
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I really hope when you start this, you don't find the sh!t I found. I started out nice and neat then after my findings just started piling everything in any space that would fit. My intentions at the start were honorable though, if that counts.
dare I ask what you found?
Well, the used packets of Emergency Birth Control pills pretty much sent me over the edge. Other stuff was hidden away too, but really not that big of a deal except that she was hiding them instead of communicating with me about it. Just all bad! Really didn't like the feeling of being lied to and played. So I really hope you don't find anything like this, so you can just get it done and move on.
Tonight her dropping S4 off was a little awkward. He came in, was all hugs and kisses for me. Normally I hug and kiss her as well, but not today. I didn't want to.
I felt the tension immediately. She hung around getting some things from the house here and then said goodbye to our son. She then kind of lingered on around me. Asked me how my day was and how I was doing. I replied, "I'm really doing great."
She kind of lingered on some more around me. I could feel that she wanted to give me a hug and say ILY. You know that feeling? She wouldn't leave when it was appropriate. I told S4 to stay inside, I would walk mom to the car. I did, we talked about the next exchange. I won't see her again until Friday. I told her to have a goodnight and was starting to walk away when I saw her start to cry. She said that she wished she could stay but she was so busy and never had any time for anything anymore (helllooo? with two parents it's easier, woman). She sat down in her car and cried with me standing next to her. I could feel that she wanted to ask why I wasn't showing her love an affection. You know that feeling?
Rather than just leave and let her cry, she asked if she could have a hug. I told her yes, that would be OK. She gave me a tight hug longer than normal. She then tried to kiss me and I gave her the "cheek" kiss she normally gave me. A.K.A. - crap kiss I'd rather not have. She then looked at me and put a nice long one on my lips, two in fact, and I didn't expect it. It was nice, but I still didn't need it. Sure, it was nice to have a kiss, but I'm beyond that right now. I don't need that anymore to feel loved and appreciated. I've got that right here within me.
I'm coming out of the fog again. This always happens when I'm away from her for a few days straight. I always reach clarity that I need to move on, and want to move on, as hard as it is. She always comes back and shows affection to either keep me in her backpocket, or make sure I'm not running away from her like she is from me. Probably both. I don't care anymore.
I'm just so beyond this anymore. I'm starting to see again how immature this whole sitch is. I'm not there yet by any means, but I am starting to feel like I'm going to be just fine.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I'm coming out of the fog again. This always happens when I'm away from her for a few days straight. I always reach clarity that I need to move on, and want to move on, as hard as it is. She always comes back and shows affection to either keep me in her backpocket, or make sure I'm not running away from her like she is from me. Probably both. I don't care anymore.
I'm just so beyond this anymore. I'm starting to see again how immature this whole sitch is. I'm not there yet by any means, but I am starting to feel like I'm going to be just fine.
And what do you do?
YOU FALL IN TO HER F^&%ing POCKET AGAIN!!!! Dude! Stop! Be Strong! You read N.U.T.s...you know she's NUTS...quit F&*^ING BITING!!!! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. LET HER CRY. LET HER FEEL WHATEVER HER A$$ WANTS TO FEEL.
/facepalm frustration.
C'mon John...how many Bricks do you need to be hit with Bud? You still have a chance, but you know what...Go read Robx's post and his W's CRAP behavior again and follow his F&^$ing steps Man. It's all about you and your integrity now. STEP UP!
If she is violating your boundaries and personal space by lingering around then find a new way to exchange your son. Why not meet at a halfway point in a parking lot so the exchange is quick and to the point?
I understand it is very difficult to see your spouse cry but she ropes you in each time with the request for a hug, kiss or an ILY.
She should not be milling about in the family home as she has chosen not to be a part of that any longer. Find a new place to exchange your son or be waiting outside. Have her make a list of what she needs and have it ready for her.
Until you are able to deny her advances for physical affection this will continue. Each time you touch her all the power is returned to her.
John I'm not against you in anyway, but SO MANY people have told you what to do. Man just stop the F'n Drama and show her you can walk away. Don't be an A-Hole but leave her to feel everything ALL on her own. Don't keep spoon feeding it to her. Sooner you stop, she WILL HAVE TO RESPECT YOU.
