I did not realize that NM is from Oregon. But it makes sense now with the whole "zoobrew" thing. My kids and I happen to be members of said zoo. Drinking quality beer in a place with Lions and Tigers and Bears seems quite enchanting.
I only recenty heard of "zoo brew" and it was from a friend of mine in another state and well, I think it's hilarious. Who knew you could drink beer at a ZOO?!
You always make judgements about me. This is not news.
Sure, he can get a lower paying job, move out of state and lose custody of his daughter. Sounds great!
He *has* petitioned the court and lost every time. Every single time.
I'd like you to think about this.... S woke up and kissed his W and daughter goodbye and went to work. When he got home 10 hours later the house was wiped clean and there was a pie and a note on the counter. The note informed S his W had left with their child and that was that. He had NO CLUE where his child was. He attempted to contact his W through every medium (text, phone, e-mail) and the authorities were almost called for kidnapping. Can you just stop and imagine the terror when all that happens?
Then, on top of that to lose everything you had worked for to provide for your family for a decade... can you just stop and see why it might be terribly, terribly difficult? Then, he retains one of the best law firms in So Cal. only to spend close to 20K in legal fees to keep losing more because his W refuses to settle (which is her legal right until a court date is ordered which is in the process).
If S does not remain in the state of CA he will have no custody of his daughter other than a few weeks out of the year. So he chooses to stay where he is and suffer at the hands of the law so he can continue to have 50/50 custody. Yes, it's his choice and he is making the best one for his child.
The thing is, many of us have it *just* that bad financially when it comes to divorce. And you like to paint us as bitter or stuck. It's a frightening place to be when you know today is the day you could lose it all at the hands of the court. It's a frightening place to be when you know today might be the day something catastrophic can happen and you have no protection available to get yourself out of a bind.
You can judge me all you like... as I said, this is not a new thing for you. But don't judge him unless you know all the facts. And yes, maybe I am going all "mama bear" but S *is* one of my closest friends and I am not going to sit by and watch anybody judge him unless they know what he endures (with a smile I might add) each day.
Then, on top of that to lose everything you had worked for to provide for your family for a decade... can you just stop and see why it might be terribly, terribly difficult?
I can see why it might be difficult, but dwelling on bad feelings is only punishing yourself. Find a way to change things or accept what is happening.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I'd like you to think about this.... S woke up and kissed his W and daughter goodbye and went to work. When he got home 10 hours later the house was wiped clean and there was a pie and a note on the counter. The note informed S his W had left with their child and that was that. He had NO CLUE where his child was. He attempted to contact his W through every medium (text, phone, e-mail) and the authorities were almost called for kidnapping. Can you just stop and imagine the terror when all that happens?
Wow! This is what happened with my brother. His wife and mother in law were pure evil the way they did it. He got screwed over legally, but in the long run, his son eventually ended up living with him many years later. The mother in law and ex wife are now both deceased. Both were vile angry people.
TH, one can accept things and that is exactly what S is doing. It does not mean one isn't allowed to express feelings of anger, hurt, fear or anything else that is not "positive".
ALL of us would like to change things but sometimes in legal sense (which relates back to the financial sense) it's not possible as we don't write the laws. We are though required to follow them.
It would not matter if S got a lower paying job now as the precedent has been set for a LONG time with his current income. In the perfect world if he got a lower paying job closer to home it would take at least a year for a new precedent to be set to get a reduction. So during that time he would struggle even more and perhaps even lose his home.
You often come across as some of this stuff is no big deal. And I can even see from an outsiders POV why it might not seem all that bad. Living in a constant struggle that the courts have required you live under is draining. And the alternative of NOT having his daughter is not an option because he is a good dad. So he tolerates the draining but certainly can express frustration or sadness about it if that is what he is feeling.
When one has exhausted every legal avenue to change things there is nothing more to do other than wait for the court date to come. So he *does* accept it but it certainly does not mean he doesn't have a slew of emotions about it. And when one has negative emotions it is MUCH healthier to express them and not bottle them up until you just snap. And this is his outlet of expression.
TH, one can accept things and that is exactly what S is doing. It does not mean one isn't allowed to express feelings of anger, hurt, fear or anything else that is not "positive".
Is that whatyou are doing?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
And yes, maybe I am going all "mama bear" but S *is* one of my closest friends and I am not going to sit by and watch anybody judge him unless they know what he endures (with a smile I might add) each day.
Awww CG, thanks doll!!!
I see TH's point from someone completely detached looking in and it makes sense but there're a lot of details as CG mentioned that make things a tad more complicated. At the end of the day this is a tough position to be in as most of you guys know from your own exerpiences. However, these are the cards life's dealt us so we have to just keep on moving forward- with a smile
kat, if I took a lower paying job closer to home then because the percentage will be the same and the amount lower I hurt myself paying the bills. Of course, it would depend on how much lower...because I do spend a lot on gas and car maintenance (130miles a day). So if anything I'd want a higher paying job so I can start saving up for the rainy day. Again, if I wanted to be an a-hole to STBXW then sure I could find an odd job and tell her tough...but ultimately that will affect not only her but me and my DD. Or at least that's how I see it. Ideally she would get a higher paying job, request a lower payment from me but what are the odds? lol
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Sure, you do tick me off. I'm not sure that is a secret to anybody. You belittle people under the guise of being helpful because they haven't found a place of peace or comfort quite as fast as you have.
And really, I am happy for you that you didn't have to be wrapped up in a very difficult legal/financial battle (and please pardon me if that is not the case and things are difficult for you in a legal sense). In fact, I wouldn't wish some of the difficult legal/financial battles on anybody under any circumstance. I find it very difficult to articulate just how frightening it is.
You were married for a year and together for a very short time in the grand scheme of life. I'm not going to judge what you want through on the emotional level even though your marriage was short. But, in the eyes of the law you have a "young marriage" and many of the procedures/policies that those of us with "vintage marriages" (over 10 yrs) have to endure are much, much different and very difficult.
Do I get angry for me and the people I hold dear that they have to go through a horrifying process? Sure. I really do. I also get scared for all of us. I know myself I almost lost a kidney in the height of my legal phase and it scared me. It scares me each day that today might be the day the stress kills me and I fall out of remission.
And maybe you have never lived any of those scenarios. I hope you have not because they are scary. Very, very scary. So maybe to you we are a bunch of bitter wimps and that is fine. But you don't have to keep pointing out how useless we are the way you do.
