On two ends of the world..

[soleil]

I think you should say

"While I don't agree with your decision, I respect it. This is something that I would prefer to be handled on the phone, not via email."

[ris]

Ok, I think I have to explain. We don't normally talk on the phone, I actually haven't talked to him on the phone since June. I'm pretty sure he will see it as pursuing and it will just get him angry.

Besides there are timezone constraints (8 hours difference) of being able to talk on the phone.

[ris]

TH, could you please explain more about what you suggested?

option 2
Say "I know you do." What does that do though? Isn't it kind of avoiding?

[soleil]

Ok, I think I have to explain. We don't normally talk on the phone, I actually haven't talked to him on the phone since June. I'm pretty sure he will see it as pursuing and it will just get him angry.

Besides there are timezone constraints (8 hours difference) of being able to talk on the phone.

Ris, this is a D you are talking about, not some short email you are sending to your boss.

Why do you guys never talk on the phone? Has it always been that way?

[ris]

We used to talk on the phone quite a bit until he deployed (end of 2008). Phone/skype quality was horrible where he was so we talked maybe 3-4 times in the whole year and just stuck to IM and emails. It was really annoying having to repeat every sentence a few times and it just pissed him off. So we sort of got used to not talking and it didn't change after he came back (end of 2009). I tried to call him a few times but the last 2 or 3 calls he was in a pissy mood and I just gave up on calling.

Now, I know this may sound stupid, but what would we talk about? I of course have a lot of things to say but they would all come off as pursuing. I don't think there's anything he would feel the need to talk about, you know? At least definitely not in the state of mind he is now. So I guess he'd just say there's nothing to talk about.

[TimeHeals]

TH, could you please explain more about what you suggested?

Well, you knew something was wrong. If he's deployed, well that's a tough business. Nothing can bring on a crisis faster that people you know dying a lot.

So... acknowledge what he's telling you. You hear him. Once you agree with him, let's see what else he tells you.

[ris]

He's not deployed anymore, he's just stationed very far away.

I understand what you mean by acknowledging, but "I know" sounds avoiding to me, no? I don't say what my position is, isn't it passive-aggressive? Please straighten me out if I'm overthinking it!

I thought of saying "I understand. I want a divorce, but since you do, so be it." Or maybe I shouldn't agree to it just yet?

[TimeHeals]

understand what you mean by acknowledging, but "I know" sounds avoiding to me, no?

What are you avoiding? You are acknowledging what he's told you.

Are you supposed to figure out how to do it for him?

I want a divorce.

"I know you do.". <your turn>

It will be interesting to see how much thought he's put into this.

[soleil]

I thought of saying "I understand. I want a divorce, but since you do, so be it." Or maybe I shouldn't agree to it just yet?

Or "I don't want a divorce but respect your decision. Please call me to talk about this."

[ris]

What are you avoiding? You are acknowledging what he's told you.

Are you supposed to figure out how to do it for him?

I guess I feel compelled to answer yes or no, even though technically it isn't a question. But it feels like a question...