You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[antlers]

Sorry man. These people (cheaters) need to be confronted with the consequences of their behavior (cheating and lying)...especially by the older kids...whose lives have been so affected by the behavior of their cheating and lying parent. If the D8 had called, her mother would have lied to her...just like she lied to you. Still, I wouldn't 'cover' for the cheating spouse. She's gonna continue to exercise control over any part of the situation that she can...even if it's leaving you hanging by intentionally not answering a question. The fact that your D11 told you that you "had to move on" is evidence that her mother has talked to her about the situation. This lady has made her decision, and she has "moved on". Nothing that you say or do, and even nothing that the kids say or do, will have any effect on her. She is selfish and self-centered...it's all about her...and it doesn't matter who gets hurt or suffers in the process...the kids, you, nobody! I'm sorry it's this way, but it is! I'm sorry for your pain, disappointment, and all the other emotions and feelings that go along with stuff like this. But believe me...she's not sorry at all! Maybe you can use that reality to help you in some way.
It's kinda crazy to hold on to people that no longer value or respect us. We have to value and respect ourselves enough to let go of people like this.
I'm on your side.
I many of the emotions and hurts you've experienced.
Keep going.

[ClingingToHope]

In the summer of 2009, when I'd been out of the house about 2 months, I was playing bags at a friend's house. She'd gone to high school with STBXW and she told me several stories, basically saying she's a liar.

When faced with a difficult situation, she'd make up a story rather than face up to it.

In our time together, I tended to have to cover for her.

Since I've been out, she's done her best to cover this situation up. Truth of the matter is I'm never going to completely trust her on anything again. She has zero regard for me or my feelings.

It'll be interesting to see how it plays out for the girls.

[ClingingToHope]

Still no response from second text. I am not surprised. I called my sister and talked a while and I've had a lot of time to think.

It really doesn't hurt that much that she's with an OM. It really doesn't hurt much that it likely traces back to last summer when she was supposedly still "deciding."

In a way, it's better. It was always hard to wrap my mind around her throwing this all away for nothing. It turns out there was someone else pretty early on.

What hurts is that I feel stuck. She's moved on and I haven't. Financially, I'm still struggling. The OM has been helping around the house and maybe he's helping with the money.

I've been telling myself "It's a marathon not a sprint," but I was thinking that I've had that all wrong. I've been racing with STBXW and that's a bad race to run. Because the only way I win is if she fails. If she thrives no matter how I feel I'll feel like I lost.

The only race I need to run is with myself. It's a marathon and not a sprint when it comes to getting better. I need to relax, take a breath, concentrate on rebuilding my finances and just be ready for what happens next.

[ClingingToHope]

Tough morning. I have no energy. Part of it is probably staying up too late. Second part is just feeling like a chump. All those months last year and through Christmas where we were talking on the phone, I was still helping where I could, and all the while she either had started or was developing this relationship with the OM.

So I'm bouncing between anger and exhaustion.

I do need to rest but this is a crazy week.

Sad conversation with D8 last night. We didn't do anything yesterday. Just laid around the apartment. That's going to be the routine for a lot of the winter because I really need to watch my pennies.

Finally, she demanded we go somewhere. So we went to the store and to get a $1 movie from one of those Red Box machines.

I can't remember how it came up, but D8 asked if I still loved STBXW. I tried to explain, but she cut me off and asked again, "but you still love her right?"

I said yes.

She said, "Mom still loves you. Well, she did love you."

She was holding her head as she said this. Like someone was yelling at her.

I asked her how she was doing.

"Horrible. My parents are getting divorced. I have ADHD. No one I know has a family like this. They have a mommy and a daddy."

And she started bawling ... and all I could do was listen. For a long time I clung to hope, but yesterday showed how really there has been no hope. The only hope now is to find happiness going forward.

D8 is tough to read. When I first moved into my apartment last year she was so excited because she had two places to explore.

But that wore off. Now, if STBXW and I are together in a room she demands a family hug. I'm guessing the shock of seeing another man driving STBXW's car yesterday was a bit much for her.

[soleil]

What hurts is that I feel stuck. She's moved on and I haven't.

CTH, I know all of this sucks. But you know it is not a competition. It's painful to think back and know she was having this R with another man but this is a new time in your life and you will eventually get to the point of letting go.

Sorry to hear about your D. What movie did you guys rent?

[BobbiJo]

Oh, ugh CTH. I know that my ex is still dating ow, even if he says that now they are just friends (who goes from sleeping together to just friends? isn't it usually the opposite order?)

So once in awhile I will see someone in town who resembles ow and my heart stops for just a second. I know she is going to show up sometime, I just don't want to see it.

[awest1217]

I am in the same boat as you BobbiJo. I know I am going to see H and OW together at some point because we live in a pretty small city, but luckily I haven't much. I understand the pit in the stomach feeling.

Sorry about D8. It is good you talked to her and reassured her. She needs a vent for these emotions, and I am glad you let her do that.

[NoCodeBlues]

CTH,

I think it is great you talked to your D about this. However it appears to me that she is still holding out hope that you and your STBXW might reconcile -- and she may think she can affect that outcome or even that it is her responsibility. That will only end up hurting her, and it is a mistaken notion all too common to children suffering from S and D. But we parents need to do our best to assure our children it is neither in their power nor in their responsibility to try to repair the R. (Heck, if the LBS is certainly in a poor position to change things, the children definitely are.)

While the collateral damage from D is such a destructive consequence in the lives of these innocent ones, we can instruct them that there are indeed things in life to which we just do not have any control. It is a painful lesson to learn and a costly one in these circumstances, indeed, but the sooner we do learn the better.

Once D8 understands that she is fully absolved of any responsibility for her parents' M, whether success or failure, I am certain she will be more at ease. I am not saying the pain of seeing one's parents split apart will easily go away, but her own sense of guilt and helplessness will be put in better perspective and allow her to cope with it better.

Hang in there.

[soleil]

I know that my ex is still dating ow, even if he says that now they are just friends (who goes from sleeping together to just friends? isn't it usually the opposite order?)

LOL

[ClingingToHope]

(who goes from sleeping together to just friends? isn't it usually the opposite order?)

Well, it's also called divorce.