Thank you Twink, when my H first left my daughter was about 11 years old. He use to go to her school things and events. But once he left the few things that she would have going on, he would miss. I think out of her 5 band concerts she had in middle school, he only went to one and showed up late. She played a beautiful flute solo once and he missed it. My son of course he hardly misses anything with him when it comes to the sports events. I dont feel like he has a close relationship with either of our kids. Since all this started he has been short tempered with the kids and cusses at them. I dont like it, but he does it anyway. Its hard to get him to do anything with them at all. He sent me to buy our son a tube for his bike one day, he fixed one and wouldnt fix the other bike, told my son if he wanted that one fixed he should go figure it out himself! He is only 9, I would have a hard time doing it! I took my son by the hand and said lets go figure it out! We started working on the bike, I guess H felt bad and then he went out there to do it. He just has little interest with them. The most they get is the occasionally wrestling in the floor and cutting up until someone ends up getting hurt.
Wow, the more I really think about the R he has with them, the sadder I get.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My H has a great relationship with our Ds...he is always taking them hiking, playing volleyball, softball, basketball with them. They love him so much, they were totally destroyed when they found out about the OW.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Kissak, I feel for you! I wondered the same things about my son & daughter--would he have a MLC because of his father's actions? Would she become an OW to try to fix the power imbalance? Fortunately, H came out of it before they hit their teens, which is already such a tricky time.
All the same, what I've learned from dealing with my own situation of being abused as a child, and taking on all sorts of worries as a result, is that you can only do the best you can. Even if your H had never had his MLC, he might have been run over by a bus one day, causing abandonment issues which led your son to have an MLC (or whatever example you might choose). The thing is, you can't predict the future, and anyway, it's just a variant of mindreading.
The only thing you can control, is yourself. As long as you're proud of the KIssak you're being, and working on improving what you don't care for about your behaviour, you're doing the best you can. Your children ... they will cope with the hand they were dealt as best they can. They get to make the choices that comprise their stories. At least they will have a mom who loved them deeply and did her best for them--and hopefully that will be enough when they reach middle age.
Try not to be sad about your H's relationship with his kids. Try to keep your focus on the joy that the 3 of you can have together, because it's amazing, the degree to which children are affected by a parent's mood.
TAMF, I hope your children have been able to work through the pain their dad caused.
Cyrena...Thank you, that is very true. I guess that is what we all do, just deal with what we are dealt the best we can. We were never promised a life with no problems.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Wow, for one whole night, last night, I felt some of my old H back. He was in a good mood. He even reached out to give ME a hug. He wanted to talk to me about his day. He had gotten a new contract for a part time job he will start next month. I didnt feel much coldness from him at all.
I just couldnt bring up any R talk and risk bringing him down. For whatever reason, for one evening, he was in a better mood. He even wanted to find out a little about the party I would be going to Saturday night. Told me to go and have fun, enjoy myself and dont worry about coming home early.
Wonder what today or tonight will bring. Will he go out and stay out all night drinking again, will he be in a good mood.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I guess you have to embrace those wonderful moments until he becomes more stable. It sounds like you handled it well.
My ex seems to be reconnecting with the kids more and more. First it was my son, then my oldest daughter, and now my youngest daughter. His interactions appear much more sincere compared to when he was in the middle of his crisis. I pray that this will continue. You never know when things will change.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
WEll, had a semi good weekend but not because of my H. He was his usual self as of lately. He decided again late Friday night he was going out for a few beers, maybe even go to wmart. He says this about an hour after I asked him why we dont do anything on friday nights together anymore. His excuse was because we do things during the day. I was very upset but didnt let him know that.
He told me he would have taking me out on Saturday night, but I already had plans and he didnt have any money. Easy to say when I already had plans and he couldnt take me anyway.
He came in about 3:15 am that morning. I didnt ask any questions at all.
I however went out Saturday night with some friends for a bachorlette party. I stayed out till 3:30 myself!!!!(im too old for that btw, lol) BUT I had a great time and he didnt really ask me anything about it. He acted like he really didnt care. Even when I left for the party, I kissed him goodbye, and asked him how I looked. He said " Im not going to comment on that". OK< THAT is the last thing he needed to say when Im headed out to have a good time!!!! Im sure he wanted to say "how come you never dress up like that for me? UHM, probably cuz you dont take me anywhere!
Another thing is he always half heartedly gives me kisses, most of the time on the cheek. BUT let me give him one with no feeling and he is like "what was that?" He is so confusing to me!!!
I have spent yesterday and today trying to remind myself that this whole mess, IS NOT MY ISSUE! Its NOT MY FAULT that he is being like this. I can NOT fix it. I need to quit thinking there is anything I can do to change him or his thinking about me. He always makes me feel like there is just something wrong with me without coming right out and saying it! He has NO desire to do anything for me or himself. We are just coexsisting right now. I feel used. He has a friend with benefits here. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, take the trash out, do the shopping, he would have me paying all his bills too if I would let him! and dont forget sex too. AND he gets to go out and party every friday night with his friends! He has it made I guess...some men would think so anyway. Maybe he has no plans of leaving anytime soon. Why leave someone who does everything for you.
Ugh! Im still in that place of now knowing what to do. AND the anticipation is killing me of what he is going to do. YET, Im trying to be 'still' and not do anything, because whenever I do, it always backfires on me!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Kissak....I can imagine how draining this must be....but I'm thinking that your marriage in the "piecing" stage after all and that's supposed to be very challenging....especially when they are not totally done with their MLC.....
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you Mila....I just dont understand how come it seemed so much easier the first 6 months and now its back to eggshells. Of course, My H as said the eggshells have been there all along for him. He said I changed the moment he moved back home....ok, then why didnt he say something??? Isnt that how all this began in the first place??? I mean, I noticed when he werent acting right and I said something! Did he NOT learn anything the first time around???
Ok, its not my issue, its not about me...(repeating over and over in my head)
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Did you ask him what changes did he think you went back too, or is he just blame shifting to navigate away from his own bad habits, like going out until 3am in the morning every wkend is not what a married person with kids no less should be doing.
