Nothing fits

[mishka422]

What are you teaching Marc about how to value himself and what to want from life?

Marc has no clue that I'm having these struggles. There is one advantage to having an autistic child, he lives in his own world where if it doesn't have a direct impact on him alone then he doesn't pay any attention to it. That has been a true blessing. There is such a huge difference in him since his dad has been in the same house. He does so much better with school, activities, etc. He still doesn't have impulse control in any way but that is part and parcel with the autism.

So, in answer to your question, I'm not teaching him anything about valuing himself with my own actions. He is a very strong individual who has had to battle a lot due to constant teasing at school and he has become quite a fighter for himself. I'm very glad of that.

How is crying passive aggressive? It's not something that was controlable. Gabe was asleep and I couldn't leave my room to go cry elsewhere. My mom was in the living room still and I couldn't be alone out there. I was quiet so I wouldn't wake him. I didn't want him to know I was upset because, frankly, I think it's ridiculous that it upset me so much.

Then, the follow-up with the trap/pout/storm-off.

Trap? What trap? I asked the question I had been needing to ask to figure out where I stand with him. Now I know. Problem solved. How is that a trap? No pouting either. It is a true statement that I obviously feel more for him than he does for me. No pouting...truth. And I didn't storm off. I had to leave right then to go pick mom up from dialysis and he knew that. No surprise that I had to go. There was no anger in my leaving. I just walked out to my car to leave.

It is not possible to have an honest, direct discussion with him. It would be me talking, pouring out my heart and him sitting and listening, getting more angry by the moment that I am talking to him about anything that has to do with emotion, and no response from him. Been there, done that. I got the answer to my only question. Where do I stand with him? No where. He likes being comfortable, he likes hanging out with me and Marc. That is all. There is no love there and I am coming to grips with that. I have to let my love for him go. It will kill me in the end if I hang on to it.

The only question that remains is can I live with the situation the way it is? Can I put away that love and just be roomies with him? I don't plan to be in a R with anyone else in the future so he isn't 'cramping my style' and he helps with Marc and mom. Is that enough? It is nice to have a little burden taken off and he is helping as much as he can financially. If I kick him to the curb that will end too. He is paid under the table so I can't have wages garnished for child support when there is no proof that he gets paid. I would lose a lot if I ended the situation.

Isn't there a line where valuing yourself and getting what you want in life has to end and preserving your family's wellbeing takes over? If there isn't then our WAS's were totally right for leaving and valuing only themselves instead of thinking of those that rely on them. Responsibilities trump selfish desires.