On two ends of the world..

[ris]

When was the last time you saw him?

In June he stayed with me for a week before he moved overseas.

[TimeHeals]

I asked about a possible 'third party' because it changes up the sequence of recommendations.

For an EA/PA:

1. Expose the affair to those likely to favor the marriage.
2. Drop the rope.

For other cases, procede to #2.

So drop the rope I guess.

E.G. "I know you do" response, and then go dim/dark.

He will try to get you to do the work for him perhaps. We'll have to see how it goes.

[KellBell0820]

Hugs Ris!

I'm so sorry about the email. I don't really have any advice to give. I will say that I was in this same spot once. I tried saying no, I tried agreeing . . but my H is a lot like yours in that he views everything as black and white (now, he wasn't always like this). I wasn't there once so I was never there and I don't think his decision would have changed no matter what I would've done or said.

[soleil]

I am agreeing with TH here... validate whht he says and drop the rope.

Please note: it is a VERY hard thing to do but oh-so-necessary.

[ris]

I am thinking of a few things I could do:

option 1
Ignore the email. He should at least have a decency to call me in that matter... so ignore him until he does. But it could very easily backfire. And I'm not sure what I would gain by this anyway.

option 2
Say "I know you do." What does that do though? Isn't it kind of avoiding?

option 3
This is what I was thinking of doing before I read TH's post. I thought of writing a "Fine, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me" email. But it's saying a lot more than his email calls for. And really I do want to be married to him so I don't want to say things that aren't entirely true - when I'm not in that place (yet?).

[soleil]

1. I don't think you should ignore the email.

2. I unsure about the "I know you do" response. Perhaps you could say that while you don't agree with his decision, you respect it and tell/ask him about what next steps should be taken.

Fellow DBers...how do you think Ris should respond?

[KellBell0820]

I agree with Soleil, I don't think you should ignore the email, but I think that a "I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me" might be going to far at this moment. You don't want to lie to him, like you said, you do want to be married. I like the suggestion of saying that while you don't agree, and think the problems could be fixed if you both worked at it, you respect the decision. That could open up the gates for more conversation so that you could possibly get to the bottom of what's going on with him.

[soleil]

And it shows ou are validating what he says, which is a 180.

[pinhead]

Reply to the email with:

"I understand. This is something that I would prefer to be handled on the phone, not via email."

[ris]

Reply to the email with:

"I understand. This is something that I would prefer to be handled on the phone, not via email."

But what do I gain by this, apart from getting him upset? He doesn't want to talk on the phone to me.
Please keep the suggestions coming, I am trying to decide on something here.

Also, would it be bad to hold off on answering till tomorrow? He's gone to sleep now and if I answer tomorrow morning, it will be after work for him. I don't know why I thinking of it, just maybe giving him a chance for his request to sink in and that he will think about it while waiting for me to answer? Or am I just fooling myself here?