You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Tough morning. I have no energy. Part of it is probably staying up too late. Second part is just feeling like a chump. All those months last year and through Christmas where we were talking on the phone, I was still helping where I could, and all the while she either had started or was developing this relationship with the OM.

So I'm bouncing between anger and exhaustion.

I do need to rest but this is a crazy week.

Sad conversation with D8 last night. We didn't do anything yesterday. Just laid around the apartment. That's going to be the routine for a lot of the winter because I really need to watch my pennies.

Finally, she demanded we go somewhere. So we went to the store and to get a $1 movie from one of those Red Box machines.

I can't remember how it came up, but D8 asked if I still loved STBXW. I tried to explain, but she cut me off and asked again, "but you still love her right?"

I said yes.

She said, "Mom still loves you. Well, she did love you."

She was holding her head as she said this. Like someone was yelling at her.

I asked her how she was doing.

"Horrible. My parents are getting divorced. I have ADHD. No one I know has a family like this. They have a mommy and a daddy."

And she started bawling ... and all I could do was listen. For a long time I clung to hope, but yesterday showed how really there has been no hope. The only hope now is to find happiness going forward.

D8 is tough to read. When I first moved into my apartment last year she was so excited because she had two places to explore.

But that wore off. Now, if STBXW and I are together in a room she demands a family hug. I'm guessing the shock of seeing another man driving STBXW's car yesterday was a bit much for her.