Now how did I know Gritter would be here? Thanks, TG.
As usual, extra fuel for the fire and more challenges.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
All of us LBS's want answers. We come here for the answers. It is part of the healing and growth process.
One answer might be well my spouse is just f@cked and I made a mistake choosing them as a life partner...
Cowards way out. Technically what the WAS is doing. If I can be said to have a style, this isn't it.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Understanding that your W is in crisis. Understanding what happened in your M. Understanding your part in it. Understanding why you made the choices you did.
All of that takes time. And you have to live it to know it.
The bold is the perspective I was questioning. The reason I asked the question in this thread after it stung.
I knew there was more to her behaviour than just an A. I knew there was depression; pessimism; pain; and this was her last resort. To choose to D (and being in the place of contemplating it made her susceptible to OM/A) caused her pain. I know that. I know she cried.
She ran out of coping strategies. She ran out of options. She believed she HAD done all she could; she had tried everything. She hadn't. She did as MWD says-"She did more of the same only louder and/or more often" She kept repeating what didn't work.
AND SO DID I.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
The fact that your W was choosing to be in an unhealthy relationship when you met her... The fact that you were the white night... Tells me there is some work left for you CD IMO. Will she just find someone else to rescue her? Will you find someone else to rescue?
One at a time- Was her past R a precursor to this? Is this R following the same pattern? Was she not as 'out' as she led me to believe? Am I now the OM to the last guy?
Was I the White Knight? Very likely. I couldn't understand how the R she was describing was possible or acceptable. I knew she deserved better. Dogs deserve better than that.
Work left for me? Why was I susceptible to being the White Knight? I'd never been the "rescuer" before. Not a pattern of mine. I'm not sure what you are suggesting. Only concern now is that I don't do that again.
I believe she has found someone else to rescue her. This is her pattern. Though it's pretty clear that 'Goober' is in no position to rescue anyone. He has less emotional maturity that she does and just bailed on his own marriage for the greener grass.
I stick with my initial thought that MLC stung because I knew there was more to this than an A.
Not that it changes what I have to do but it does reinforce my belief that my perspective needs to be adjusted a little.
And there is more room for empathy and compassion. I saw the possibility and now I know that the crisis element requires it.
