(((((((BobbiJo))))))) It's going to happen one day... you know that, so at least you have time to prepare yourself.
Here's the thing. Telling the kids about what happened in the past isn't going to help you. It isn't going to help them. It isn't going to help their relationship with Dan.
I know that it's easy to put a lot of blame on Stephanie, and she deserves her share, for sure. And it would feel good to hurt her, and their relationship, or whatever it is. Dan is the one that broke your trust, she was the one that happened to be there when he chose to do that. At this point, whether it is her, or someone else... it is going to happen, and as much as it hurts to say, it isn't your problem. Which is at the same time maddening and freeing.
I don't know if this helps BBJ, but I think you need to try get rid of the feelings you have about her, and them. Get your focus back on you and the kids. Let Dan be Dan, probably self destructing, but you can't do anything about that.
When the kids ask questions, answer them, but really, at their ages, they don't need to know much, and there's no need for you to tell them. Someday, maybe, but I don't think you will have to tell them anything.
My feelings aren't about her, not really. Because it will be someone, and has probably already been a lot of someones. And I highly doubt he can be faithful to her if he could not be faithful to the mother of his kids (me).
I just hate it that I let him make me cry. Because I am fully aware that his words and actions can only hurt me if I let them.
But I know all of this mentally, and then my emotions win the battle. I have got to figure out how to get a handle on things.
I think the most unbearable thing is that he clings to his mantra that I didn't support him and he is broke and miserable because of me. I know it is a load of bull, you guys all know it is a load of bull, and I think on some level he HAS to know it is a load of bull. But the thing I let get me is that he may actually believe I wasn't supportive and that his unhappiness is my fault. I mean I KNOW it isn't, I just have thise want/need to know that he realizes it too and is just blowing smoke...
I won't tell them. I won't. But damn it makes me so frustrated to think of them hanging out with her. However I have to get used to it because I bet they do get married some day.
As an older country song says, "I got it through my head I just can't break it to my heart." And I am pissed at myself that I haven't gotten there yet, I mean it has been over three years...............................
HUGE hugs BBJ. So sorry you went through this crap again with Dan.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself every time there is even the remote possibility of having to interact with Dan is "When Dan gets in a snit about what I'm doing, how am I going to allow it to effect me?"
We all know there is no way to sidestep Dan's craziness for the rest of your life, but you are able to avoid possible situations. Honestly, when you said that you had been talking to Dan's cattle partner, I saw some possible red flags. This guy is involved in Dan's business. Regardless of how much you like this guy and his wife and kids, it's just not a good idea to be friendly with someone who is so involved in Dan's life. That can't lead to anything good. Sometimes you just have to give up friends who have more ties to the former spouse than to you.
As far as his gf is concerned, you know in your head there is nothing you can or should do about that. Dan is going to implode at some point or he will get his head out of his butt and be a real man. Nothing you do, say, reiterate, or claim will make any difference to him. He will continue to think whatever it is that makes him better able to deal with his own betrayal of his family.
Letting go of that pain and anger is going to take a lot longer if you keep letting him bait you like this. Since he can't seem to keep track of information you give him via phone or text then communicate only via email with him. You have written records of every detail you give him. If he gets abusive in emails to you like he did on the phone then you have written record of that too. I wouldn't put it past him to eventually try to have your D agreement nullified because he gets his panties in a twist. Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally. DO NOT TALK TO HIM......period. You can't be friends with an unreasonable person.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You are living in an unhealthy situation. You are divorced, living on your own, Dan has a girlfriend, you are exploring the possibility of dating but you still remain conpletely attached to Dan, you let him get away with behaviours you wouldnt let your dad get away with, you are still hoping things will change and sabotaging your progress. And if that isnt correct, I would be thrilled to be wrong.
He is not letting go of you either. He called about the kids dealing with others, right after he found out you talked to his friend. Honestly, I could see that coming the minute you posted about Dan's friend. He got jealous. You know how little kids leave a toy and dont play with it, dont care about it for weeks, UNTIL another kid shows interest in it? You are still his property in his head. Break the cycle. You are divorced and need to move on.
Ohh, and your kids will ask HIM about Stephanie as well.They are not dumb. K
Hey Bobbi.. I read that and my instinct was.. Dan was jealous. He has a possessive/controlling personality right and probably cant bear the thought of you 'jumping into bed' with his business partner. I guess you got ahead of yourself talking to them at dinner and didnt think that it may rile Dan...or did you??
Kalni is right, you need to let go and move on ?? I cant help thinking that you need a bf, any bf, just to take the focus off Dan. It doesnt have to be 'the one', it could be a transitional relationship right.. you are lucky in a sense that you already have your family, so you dont need to urgently find Mr Right. Its like groundhog day.. can you see that? If you cant make yourself let go, maybe you could just date someone, anyone, lol, to force the process. You are divorced, so it is allowed!
Why dont you be honest with Dan next time he calls and 'chews you out'.. instead of all this trying to explain, convince him or justify yourself and get him to care and change his mind?? (thats how I view your convo's, you trying desperately to get him to change his opinion of you).. why not either a) say, I cant keep having these conversations with you and put the phone down or b) just cry, shout, tell him to f-off or whatever REALLY is in your heart c) tell him you are not over him yet and you need more time to do that before you can be friends and in the meantime.. LEAVE ME THE F*&$ ALONE.
On a separate point..he thinks you didnt support him in the M, so he left, he divorced you and yet he is STILL angry about it??! Whats that all about ?? I'm guessing its not really about you and maybe one day, he will realise that Bobbi, but I dont think it will be anytime this century!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You guys are so right on so many levels!! Btw, I started a new thread, just forgot to close this one.
I do think he was jealous or felt betrayed, whatever. BC as soon as he found out I was talking to his friend/partner, he started firing off angry messages. And then jumped right into "we need to talking about having the kids around other people". Very knee-jerk of him.
I will finish my response over on my new thread, but I have to go teach preschool now!!!
I think the most unbearable thing is that he clings to his mantra that I didn't support him and he is broke and miserable because of me. I know it is a load of bull, you guys all know it is a load of bull, and I think on some level he HAS to know it is a load of bull.
Exactly. He is the one who wanted the D yet is trying to make you out to be the bad guy when it was his decision. It's silly.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
I do think he was jealous or felt betrayed, whatever. BC as soon as he found out I was talking to his friend/partner, he started firing off angry messages. And then jumped right into "we need to talking about having the kids around other people". Very knee-jerk of him.
