" Just remember that you are ultimately in control of what thoughts linger in your head." ( I don't know how to do the quote thingys)
If someone has any advice on this one barring the use of mind numbing drugs, please forward the information. I must have missed that memo. I seem to have no control on my thoughts, and I wake up thinking them before I realize I'm awake.
Hi punkin- I agree that you have no control over what thoughts pop in you head...however you do have control over which thoughts you dwell on...or even find a new perspective to manage the thought.
This may sound silly but in the beginning, when one of those thoughts came in my head, I repeated to myself "Let it go. Let it go. Let it go." and then I made a point to think about the blessing I do have in my life.
Last weekend I was very angry and hurt by what my H did. I could have dwelled on it for days but I quickly let it go by thinking my H is not capable of having a relationship right now and he needs to go finish this journey...and hopefully he will come out the other side of this a happy and complete man.
Now, I know that may sound pretty simplistic especially if there is an OP involved...the hurt and betrayal can be overwhelming. My first H married the OW...it took me a loooong time to get past it and realize how emotionally damaged these people were. If I could have looked at it that way in the beginning rather than thinking about how I was rejected, it would have saved me some heartache...not all but any unneccessary pain you can spare yourself is a good thing.
Thanks Walking and BeingMe, I do find myself hugging S4 alot, thank goodness he's still at the huggable age Massage sounds like a good idea tho, so will look into getting one....
Hi Punkin and Upside I have found that using the big 'stop sign' helps sometimes, but sometimes I just cant help it Feel like a ball of emotion sometimes...like yesterday and today.
Felt quite positive on Saturday, was feeling together and even a little happy, just living in the moment, and putting everything else out of my mind. Dont know how I got it right, because i tried to do it on Sunday, and the head was just not co-operating!
Despite having a fantastic day planned - went to see Mamma Mia with my BFF at the theatre, some of the songs ended up making me a bit teary - NOT what I expected.
And the rest of the day was downhill Couldnt for the life of me be cheery when H was around I didnt mope, but he could sense I was just out of sorts, and asked if i was ok.
He wanted to leave early in the eve, think I might have made him feel uncomfortable dont know As he was leaving, I cracked, for the first time in 6 months, and asked him for a hug. He said ofcourse, and gave me a hug. It wasnt a cold hug, but he was the first to let go, I could have stood there all night long
He said (a little uncomfortably) - are you ok, you seem a bit sad tonight.
And as he said it I couldnt help it, my eyes started watering big time, and I said yes, just a little hormonal right now...was the best I could come up with...
He hot footed off, and I quickly closed the door, cause I could feel the waterworks were about to explode...
I'm only human.
A little later he sent an text saying 'cheer up ' , and I replied 'trying to ' .
I know I must have won the award for worst DBing ever, but I just couldnt keep my emotions under control for the life of me.
I miss him so much. I feel like an idiot, here i am , feeling like an emotional mess, and he doesnt seem to have an ounce of emotion, apart from maybe feeling a bit sorry for me
Hi Pie! Hope you're feeling better today. The way I tried to control my thoughts, was to work through them constructively, especially when the STOP didn't work. Of course, my H never left the house, his OW was far away at that time. So, sometimes, I had the opportunity to tell him exactly how I felt about his infidelity. But, I don't think it would work with you ... your H could just leave, whereas, mine had nowhere to go. And, is still here, after 6 years, apparently broke contact with OW before she moved closer. Yes, I know that sounds unlikely.
Give yourself a time limit to think through whatever is on your mind, then give yourself a reward (a treat of some sort), and start thinking about something else. Worth a try, anyway.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi pie, thanks for stopping by. I never labeled my H as "MLC case" although there were times his behaviour matched the descriptions here exactly.
The only thing I could see from reading your last few posts is that right now whatever is happening suits him and him alone. He is cake eating and trying to "accomodate family life and OW and new life" the way he can. You allow it because you are afraid you will push him away. It's natural.
Try to build your self esteem back, get ready and when the time is right (not too long) go ahead and make decisions with NO FEAR. IMO, people with ambitions, successful and strong, respect others that they consider strong as well.
The OW? Well, I havent read a sitch yet that there isnt one. Seriously. SO, it doenst make your case hopeless, it just requires better management of your ...hurt and smart decisions. Stay strong. K
Hi Kalni thanks for stopping by That sinking feeling of OW gets stronger and stronger by the day, and I almost wish i had concrete proof, because then I could get 'unstuck' from this awful limbo state. I sometimes feel like if he already had his fling, and hes out of it now, that i would be able to get past it and forgive him, and there would be a chance from my side of continuing to 'stand'.
BUT, if he was currently in a R with an OW, for some reason I feel very differently, and would not let him back I dont think. I have NO IDEA why theres a difference there for me, there just is
Then I would stop 'standing' and stop being in limbo.
I feel I am moving forward slowly with MY life, but as far as US, I am in limbo.
If there is an OW, he sees her on his business trips. There is no way I would know unless he told me. And I know he knows it would hurt me too much, and he's terrified of hurting me.
So all I can do is let time do its thing, and slowly naturally disconnect from our R. But I guess i just dont have the patience for this slow healing. i want to heal NOW. Impatient me.
I AM scared of pushing him away. I think I might feel different if I knew there was an OW. Then I wouldnt be scared anymore.
But if he has already let go of OW, and he just doesnt know how to get back to me, I really don't want to scare him off at this point. I do still love him.
I do also know that I want to be loved and cherished by the person that I love, I expect the same amount of love back that I'm willing to give. Which is a lot.
The old H, could do that, the new H is new, so I dont know if he could
I just wish i knew exactly what was going on in his head.
Been having some strange dreams lately Night before last, I dreamed I was being chased by a crocodile, I woke up straight away (too traumatic for me obviously) and my heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline, i thought I was having a heart attack!
So I looked up the meaning of being chased by a croc in dreams : croc symbolises repressed anger and destructive feelings, being chased by one means a relationship is eating you up inside and you arent confronting the situation Oh dear How do I 'unrepress' my anger anyone? I've tried, but obviously I'm keeping it 'under control' subconsciously...
THEN last night i had an awful dream about spiders crawling around. Could mean being caught or entrapt in a sticky or clingy relationship - represents some controlling or ensnaring force. Spiders can represent an evil male force, an overbearing lover - if you are in a relationship unsettling to you and you have a spider dream, think carefully of what is taking place. Are you fooling yourself about the other person? Is he/she what he appears to be? there may be deception.
A note on latest with H, he had S for friday night, made an effort to say lets give mommy some time off, and said 'enjoy your break' smiling when he left.
On Saturday he phoned to say he was staying another night at the river, meaning that he would keep S for another night. Or at least thats what i thought he meant. So I said thats fine, and he said he could bring Ben back for me if I liked, so i said no its ok - its too far to drive just to drop him off and go back, you can keep him another night. Then he said, 'well you can come spend the afternoon at the river if you like' (doesnt want me to sleep over at river I think). So I said that sounds nice, and i drove up and spent afternoon there. He was a bit distant, sort of ignoring me a bit, I feel very insignificant, but i can feel he still cares for me with little things he does.
He makes a big deal of making sure that he has no 'romantic' feelings for me, when he says things that imply he cares.
For example he said drive safly back, for both of you. I said 'm glad i feature in there (cause he used to say drive safe just for S) - Well ,you are the mother of my child you know. " was his reply. And he was quite hurt by my saying he used to say just for S.
Then he came round yesterday spent the evening here. All was fine, but Just get the impression that he really is just trying to keep friendly as opposed to enemies or something.
I dont know. Hate this whole situation. Wish i could wake up from this nightmare now.
Like he said "You know you dont have to wait for an invitation to the river, you are welcome there" - but I know he said it becuase I had previously told him that i won't go unless he invites me cause i feel like I'm imposing. And he doesnt want to have to invite me - cause that seems like he is 'persuing'.
So I'm getting a very clear impression of him 'not wanting to lead me on' , and being careful not to give me the wrong idea.
I'm not sure why he is doing this, because i havnt been pursuing him in any fashion, or giving him any kind of signals that I think he IS persuing me. I have been friendly, but maybe too friendly? I dont know anymore... I dont know. Hate this whole situation.
Am I doing something wrong here, that he feels the need to make sure i dont misread his friendliness?
I don't ever initiate communication with him. i dont ask him any questions about his life or what hes doing, unless he starts the topic off, then I am interested and listen obviously.
I'm not doing ANY persuing here. Why must he constantly try an keep me at arms length, when I'm yards away anyway?
Massage sounds like a good idea tho, so will look into getting one....
Feel like a ball of emotion sometimes...like yesterday and today.
Hope you're feeling better today. The way I tried to control my thoughts, was to work through them constructively, especially when the STOP didn't work. Of course, my H never left the house, his OW was far away at that time. So, sometimes, I had the opportunity to tell him exactly how I felt about his infidelity. But, I don't think it would work with you ... your H could just leave, whereas, mine had nowhere to go. And, is still here, after 6 years, apparently broke contact with OW before she moved closer. Yes, I know that sounds unlikely.