Just an update. Was too rainy to take another painting trip so decided to have a big cooking day as my GAL fun this weekend instead. Although I typically used to do this in the fall, I didn't last year at all. So was nice to get back at it. I filled the freezer with packages of spaghetti sauce, baked chicken breasts, seasoned taco filling, and porcupines (aka little meatballs with rice, baked in tomato sauce). It took a whole day and it was wonderful to focus on chopping, mixing, rolling, and seasoning. My thoughts were a little unsettled after my IC appt on Fri, so keeping my hands busy helped keep me focused on positive things. We actually didn't talk much about the M this time, more about my childhood. She actually used the term 'emotional abuse'. Although I've had moments where I suspected that's what had happened, I'd also (as usual) promptly discount such thoughts and chided myself for being too sensitive. So the appt was both unsettling, and validating and freeing at the same time. One of the things she said that I keep remembering is that 'it wasn't my fault that I couldn't fix it'. So. Anyways. This isn't M stuff I know. Just mentioned because the cooking helped distract my mind from it. If anyone's finding their mind whirling about something, try rolling a couple pounds of meatballs - it helps!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So, I wondered for 4 days, whether or not I should tell my H about what my IC said (about my mother emotionally abusing me as a child... well, and frankly as an adult too). I was kind of afraid to. I was afraid he'd look down on me or pity me. I was afraid he'd be angry or disgusted with me. So I can't really say why I finally told him last night, other than despite the fear it just felt really odd not telling him. Once I did, he didn't say an awful lot, and it wasn't the most supportive comments I've ever heard, but at least he said something. When I repeated it back to him and said 'surely you didn't mean it the way it sounded', his eyes kind of went up and said quickly, 'no, no you're right, that's not what I meant'. But he didn't say much after, and I didn't know what to say either. I think I just changed the subject. There was a day, though, when he would have said nothing at all other than 'well I don't know what you want me to say'. So I guess something's better than nothing.
But here's my question. Should I have given him a suggestion as to what I would have hoped he'd say? I always wonder if guys look at that as helpful, or if it makes them feel like we're 'leading them around by the nose'? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Working on you, having new experiences, setting new goals, learning about how to let go of past hurt (learn from the past, but don't re-live the painful emotions; rather, think of what they taught you and be grateful that you learned).
We can basically re-write our own past. Some folks have trouble with this, and they hold on to every regret, every hurt, every disappointment and re-live those emotions over and over and over. It's not a good way to go through life.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I can't speak for all guys... heck half the guys I know would have left my wife and kicked the OM's @ss if they were in my sitch. However....
What I think you did was great... I think (and wish) that all husbands and wives would be so open and honest as you were with things like you were. You can never understand where a person’s thoughts and feelings come from unless you know their life’s experiences... An example...someone might be terrified about being in an elevator...now most of us may think that is silly... but we did not know that this person once in their past was trapped in an elevator for 10 hours becasue is malfunctioned. They were trapped in the dark... with stuffy air...no water... (Or bathroom)... So you see if.... now you can understand why they are afraid of elevators.... As for "But here's my question. Should I have given him a suggestion as to what I would have hoped he'd say? I always wonder if guys look at that as helpful, or if it makes them feel like we're 'leading them around by the nose'? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance, FMV."
No you should not give him a suggestion of what HE should say. But you should ask if he really understood what you were saying. Sometimes there is a mis communication... I know this happens with my wife and me all of the time. So tell him what you want him to know and make sure he understands where you are coming from. They ask him if he understands...sometimes you need to explain things several different ways to make it clear...The rest is up to him
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What I think you did was great... I think (and wish) that all husbands and wives would be so open and honest as you were with things like you were.
Doc, thank you. This means a lot to me, and is very reassuring to hear.
Originally Posted By: Dr LOve
No you should not give him a suggestion of what HE should say. But you should ask if he really understood what you were saying. Sometimes there is a mis communication... I know this happens with my wife and me all of the time. So tell him what you want him to know and make sure he understands where you are coming from. They ask him if he understands...sometimes you need to explain things several different ways to make it clear...The rest is up to him
Thank you for this also. This is very enlightening, and couldn't have come at a better moment. I need to ramble a bit just to sort this out in my head. Forgive if this doesn't make any sense.
I had bad dreams last night, and woke up this morning thinking about that very conversation. Then while I was puttering in the kitchen it struck me that I shouldn't have been surprised about his response. (Just fyi, he'd said "Well I'm glad you finally figured it out... your brother did 20 years ago - why do you think he moved so far away when he was only 18?") I think that the primary way I've ever expressed my feelings about my childhood experiences around my H was with anger. So, I think being upset with him for not knowing I was hoping for comfort and compassion, was not fair.
He couldn't have understood what I was saying because I think I am just coming to an understanding about what I was saying in the first place. That I am SAD about it. I am so tired of keeping such an awful secret and having to protect my other siblings from knowing what happened my insides ache. I'm HURT about being left alone to deal with it; and not only that, to be expected to deny my own pain and fear over it so as to comfort my mother's pain around it. (i'm sorry I can't elaborate more about what happened than that...I'd probably make a lot more sense if I did but it just doesn't seem right to) Augh. Anyways.
So you're totally right. He couldn't have understood where I was coming from because to an extent, I don't think I even knew. As a result, I think I've only given him half the story of where I'm coming from. He's heard the anger, but not the pain and hurt, and he's certainly not seen the buckets of tears I feel like I could still cry sometimes.
The way he responded was simply the way he has been used to responding. He couldn't have known that maybe what I'm needing now is comfort and compassion.
I'm torn though. Time has given me such great advice, about not getting so mired in old pain that it prevents you from seeing the positives in your present and future. I don't know if it would be good for me to walk down that road again so that he could know where I'm coming from now. But at the same time it's not fair of me to expect responses from him that he can't offer. Ack. Very confusing.
Anyways thank you so much again, for your thoughtful comments Doc. Take care, FMV.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/18/1004:08 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
My W keeps things to herself... It drives me crazy... Me I am an open book for the most part.
We all have "secrets" mine was / is keeping the affair my wife had "under wraps" Some say I should have exposed it and It would not have taken me 3 years to get where I am today. However....keeping it a "secret" Is something I choose to live with and it's hard I admit but it has made it easier to face friends and family now that we seem to be back on the right track.
Maybe a little advice about "your secret"... Expose it to your H on a Need to know basis… I do not know your H but exposing information about US does leave us vulnerable. You are exposing your heart / feelings with trust. I totally “trusted” my wife when she told me she was going to see her high school GF that weekend she meet up with the OM… and it hurt to find out that trust was violated.. Be careful BTW No need to explain anything about your secret especily here on this board. It’s YOUR personal matter...
I am not a real doctor but I like “playing” doctor sometimes
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hi Doc, thanks for stopping by again. I'm sorry, I'm trying to be so discrete about what I'm saying I'm confusing the issue I think. The secret is just within my FOO. My H actually does know about it. But actually, I think what you're saying still can apply. Because I haven't exposed my hurt and fears about having to keep that da*n secret and dealing with emotional abuse (that 'label' still sounds weird to say) to my H. I've expressed my anger and frustration about it all, but he's rarely seen my tears.
There was once I did (edit: expressed my true pain to him, showed tears etc) this spring, that I wrote about on this board on an old thread. But that was a very rare incident. And interestingly, that time he handled it great. He was really supportive, kind and empathetic.
So this is kind of surprising me. Maybe it's me that needs to change how I share things with him. You're so right... exposing information DOES leave us vulnerable. And in not expressing my hurt I'm keeping myself from feeling vulnerable. But in doing so I'm only hurting myself because he can't know I need comfort. Geez.
PS I figured you weren't a real doctor. I still appreciate your help and ear in sorting this out though! It's really helpful.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/20/1002:27 AM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Make sure he knows where I'm coming from. If I'm hurt, express hurt; If I'm sad, don't be afraid to cry. When I told him what my IC said, I think I was so 'matter of fact' that I might as well have been telling him my car needed an oil change. So it's not a surprise he didn't fully grasp what I might have been needing in that moment.
Know that exposing my feelings and thoughts will make me feel vulnerable. So it's likely I might hide what I'm really feeling from myself and him to avoid feeling that vulnerability. Maybe before sharing something important with him again, I should write out my thoughts and feelings about it first. That way I will have a better idea of what I'm needing from him - if I just need him to listen; or if I need to be held and comforted.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/20/1002:54 AM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Or am I just slipping back into the same old patterns... looking for reasons why his underfunctioning, his lack of empathy, his poor communication skills... must be my fault some how?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Or am I just slipping back into the same old patterns... looking for reasons why his underfunctioning, his lack of empathy, his poor communication skills... must be my fault some how?
I do not know, but there must be something you like about him, right?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
