Thank you everybody for your feedback and comments. I expect that the contact is ongoing - my wife has told me that she resents me telling her who she can have contact with and that the problem is my jealousy and insecurity.
My wife did ask me if it was okay if she could accept his initial FB friend request and I said yes - at the time I didn't see an issue and wanted to be fair and reasonable. But a few weeks later when I questioned her about what was going on as they seemed to be in contact every day was when she told me she was working through the reasons of her breakup with him 17 years previously as it had hurt so much and continued to upset her all these years later.
I did try to set boundaries - I told her in the circumstances I did not see that further contact was acceptable, particularly when I found out that he had told her he still loved her and kept on pestering her to meet up face to face.
When she ignored me (and just tried to hide the ongoing contact better) I threatened to move out and told her she was placing me in an untenable position. She told me that my response was unreasonable - that I am a bad person for threatening to abandon her and our children.
Does anybody know where I can get a copy of DB in Australia? I could obviously use some advice on the effective setting of boundaries because when i try to now my wife has a way of spinning it so that I am the unreasonable controlling husband and she is a victim. It would also help if I read the book before getting one-on-one advice
In the past I have never considered myself to be controlling - my wife has had European vacations by herself each of the last 3 years while i have looked after the kids and I have always supported her catching up with friends and pursuing other interests so that she is not always at home.
