My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Awest I do know we can be d and still own the house. My point was it just seems odd he isn't doing more to try and make it "shine" so it could sell more easily. If you want out so bad why wouldn't you be trying harder to sell the house? He is the agent afterall. I'm sure that the house condition and the fact it hasnt showing or sold will be my fault though.

Just saying he has no clear priorities... Sorry venting too!

[nicole8]

Venting here.... My h just got pissed because I didn't respond to his text messages. Then he called 7 times and was upset I didn't answer. I finally just talked to him and he is just all mad, at me. I am apparently off just Fu***** around and not doing anything to help sell our house and guess what he's not going to be able to keep up with the payments because he has no job prospects and the job he does has is minimal hours. He'll go into bankruptcy. He doesn't care. But he is mad too that I'm doing nothing except ignoring what needs to be done. He is just so angry and I'm out just having a blast while the house is going to fall down and I apparently don't care that it hasn't shown. I really shouldn't have talked to him. He is so frustrating and contradicted himself on a few things. He is convinced his life is on a downward spiral.

I told him that I don't know what to do for him. Maybe I am to blame for it all... I know I'm not but he is just so ridiculous. I still believe his anger and resentment towards me is because I talked with the ow... Still think maybe things are not going so well for him who knows.

[awest1217]

I really think you should just not answer because if you wait 7 times...it just keeps making him more upset so either answer right away or not at all. Right now he is learning that if he throws a big enough fit he will get your attention so you have to either do one of the other.

[nicole8]

Awest is so right on.... The h has figured out that if he keeps at it I will finally give in. He thinks he is a top priority in my life still and I should be bending over backwards to help when convenient for HIM! I am so annoyed. I turned my phone completely silent today and he is just now up to his "old tricks" trying to get me to respond to him. So annoying.

[awest1217]

It is annoying and I would normally advice to just kind of act like you would a child, but since you don't have children think of how you would treat your dog. If you don't want your dog to do something, but he whines until you give in, then he will do that every time so that he gets his way. The same with your H. He whines until he gets his way and it has worked for him. What you want is respectful conversation (not saying he will come home, but he should at least talk to you in a respectful way). I would say just respond to texts or answer calls right away when you know he is respecting you. As soon as he starts to disrespect you, then politely say that you would like to continue the conversation, but only when he will talk to you in a calm respectful manner. Do this every time until he gets the idea.

You deserve respect, and once you show him respect by talking to him nicely and even not allowing the conversation to get to a fight, he will learn to respect you as well. (coming from my teaching career with high schoolers)

It is all about changing how he is treating you, which can be done. You can't control him, but you can stop talking to him or answering his continued calls or texts when he is disrespectful to you because you control that.

Hope things are going well. Remember most importantly is to always do what you feel is best for you.

[nicole8]

Thank you AGAIN for your kind words and thoughts. I am in a much better place today. I never answered my h yesterday as a matter of fact. I could tell he had been by our house yesterday. Later that night he did text and ask if I made it home. Then a little later he asked if I was alive. I just didn't feel like speaking with him. Finally he tried to get a response by telling me that he let the dog out when he was over. So he seemed to try to engage me in a civil way... But truthfully my feelings have been hurt so many times over and over. I just am not sure what to expect at all. I didn't respond because I'm in a much happier place knowing he couldn't bring a pretty good Sunday to a screeching halt by being a jerk. I know that sounds mean. But it is the truth.
I worked some more today with refinancing the car I'm keeping. I also typed up an email for my h in regards to a bunch of things that we need to fix or take care of before the d can be final. Truthfully it will be a relief on me to get it done. The hang up is going to be selling the house. Really a bad time of year and year in general to be selling a house. I wish I didn't have to sell it.

Tomorrow is another day and I'm ready to move forward snd be the best Nicole I can. I have some goals and plans in my head that I wish the husband would want to be a part of. But he doesn't snd that is his loss.

[awest1217]

Good attitude. All you can do is control you and take care of you so do that. When H is ready, he will follow suit. Have a great day!

[nicole8]

Well things seem to be more of the same. My h is still irritable at me when I don't respond immediately to him... Really does he still think he is a priority? I can't help but feel really sorry for him. I think it is really sad that he isn't getting help for himself snd he's letting his life spiral out of control. Someone called about the house and wanted to maybe see it yesterday or this weekend. I called him about it last night. He didn't answer but called back and said he didn't call the guy back and he hadn't heard from him again. I'm sorry but that is just ridiculous. My h is the agent. Don't you think if you want out of our m so bad you would be trying to sell the house?

Last weekend he was so fired up about getting stuff done at the house and now he is not doing anything and the weather is great here. So random and he makes no sense. I am so ready to be d I just can't stand this. I love him but not when ge is acting like this. It is unacceptable and unhealthy.

[nicole8]

Well I sent an email to my h proposing how we would take care of our debt and auto loans. He didn't respond. But the next day I got a letter from his lawyer outlining what my h is proposing. The letter was pretty much what I emailed my h with the exception that debts would be taken care of after the house sells... Well that isn't going to work for me. The h is behind on payments to me for all our bills and I would like the debt cleared up sooner than later. So my h sends a text today wanting to know if I'm home and did I draft up letters to clear up the debt issues. He just expects me to "read" his mind and know that he is in agreement with the email. Annoying. Then he wants to know if I know the payoff on the house? Really, we had this conversation the other day. I gave him the account number and told him he could call the bank. Well I guess he expected me to do it? Then he asks who the lender is again. Really, the other day he knew who it was. I'm not sure who the h@ll he is. His memory is horrible right now.
He told me days ago ge left the emissions notice in the mailbox for me. He didn't. I asked him about it and he said not to worry we had plenty of time. Really "we" I think it is just me because I'm keeping the car. If it's "we" is he going to help pay for it?he did drop the info off yesterday. I took the car for the emissions test and it failed. I was not so happy. So I headed to the dealer to find out what was wrong with it. When I pulled up my h had sent a text asking if I was going to be home. I didn't see his message Well then he tried to call and I answered his second call. I told him about the car and he wanted to know why I didn't answer his text. I told him I didn't see a message and he just seemed irritable and pissy that I didn't respond. Not really sure why he even called. So I got off the phone and he had sent a message, just hadn't seen it yet. I'm not in high school and constantly glued to my phone like him. I responded "that I did in fact have a message and just hadn't seen it. Sorry I didn't respond".He responded back... Get this, "I'm used to it these days" Ohh I'm so annoyed by him and just get anxious if I even hear my phone because I want to not deal with him. Funny how it is just one sided. I should be sitting around and waiting for his every call or text. But he can respond to me on his own time. The db counselor I spoke with said this is due to him not understanding that things will change in the dynamic of our relationship yet the h doesn't think they will bye thinks things will always stay and be the way he left them.

I'm prett sure that I have difussed a couple of arguments he was trying to provoke me into. He seems to enjoy the arguing or spewing of words at me. Whatever you want to call it. What i have read is that a depressed person feels better when that are angry.

I'm not going to lie though bi am curious if he is still talking with the ow.

[awest1217]

Good job difusing the arguments because really that is all that you can do. You may have to get a L yourself and although that is not the best, it may be the only way to get H to help you financially.