Start of the end..

[iwantittowork]

Thanks all for checking in again on me. I am away from this site more than I am on it these days.. Life is busy, and taking me along for the ride...

Just to update on my sitch, and this may be long.....

On the trip to my d9's Kung Fu:
I went, and focused on d9, and watching her work on her Kung Fu was great, as I can see it helping her self esteem, build confidence, and new friends and everything that goes with it, and part of why I do Jui Jitsu now myself, and I am very proud of her, as she is now a yellow sash!

On a personal note, I was surprised at how little emotion over the OM that I felt, or even towards my STBXW. I can see why my STBXW is attracted to him, as he carries the confidence and charisma that comes with being a black belt in a martial art, although he was not as physically good looking as I thought he would be.

D Proceedings:
Our D trial date is coming up, and my L is trying to get an agreement together VS having to have a full blown trial, and I met with L for a couple hours to try and draft up one that I could abide by. Not an easy task. I essentially argued with my own L for 2 hours, and then mostly gave in to what he is discussing and he has drafted an agreement and sent to STBXW and her L, and we are waiting for there response. It is not something I am truly happy with, but something that I could at least survive with if they agree in kind.

My sticking points are paying her alimony on top of the crazy amount of CS that I will be paying. Alimony laws in Mass are just absurd, and after discussing with L, why we are trying to get agreement.

In MA, the judge can only decide if alimony is needed, not duration, etc. There is case law to back up that because of disparity of income in our case that Alimony will be awarded, and in pre-trial he said it would likely be so. He stated in pre-trial that it should be 4 years. Now, if STBXW and I agree on that, it can be done that way, but if I understand my L correctly, if we go to court, and it's decided it's warranted, he can make no decision on duration, only if it's needed or not, and I may wind up paying for a much longer time, if not forever. I am not really up for trying my luck on that one...

There's more to the agreement, for sure, and I was so angry after arguing with my attorney for 2 hours it took me the rest of the afternoon to calm down. Accepting that I was so angry was part of the process, and just working through it.

On me:
Still doing well, in spite of roller coaster the past few weeks, and I am currently looking to move to a new apartment in the next month, as my lease is up. Hard to believe it's been a year already..

Overall, I look at who and where I am now, and I am content I am on the right path for me, and happy about where I am personally, and where I am growing to.

I look back at who I was for so long, and it really does seem like I was a different person, unhealthy in many ways for many reasons. However, I won't host the regret that comes with those realizations, just acceptance of it as truth, and part of the foundation of who I am now, and who I want to be in the future.

Peace, all, hope to check in with most some of you soon, but off to family b-day party with d9!