cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

Actually, it was hard at the class because H was the one crying the entire time so I wanted to go to him and say it is your fault...YOU cheated, YOU left, NOT ME. I still want to be married.

Anyway, as I said we talked afterwards and I did tell him those things. I told him that I am 110% devoted to S and the best situation for S is that H and I get along. Sadly right now that means being very involved with each other because S can talk, but doesn't get everything so we have to talk. Also all the sudden (after 16 months of not caring) H wants to be as involved in S's life as possible, which is good, but also wants to "take care" of me, which is odd. I really think he feels bad for how he acted before and realizes how great I am being through this (those of you reading my sitch know that I let him walk all over me to keep the peace and even went to his parents house every week so they could see S when he didn't want to do that). I only got really mad and went off on him and OW once. I never and still haven't contacted OW's H about what I know. I have always been nice to OW, except that one time so I think H is trying to be nice back...or he is trying to get me to not make him pay me if he owes a lot in the D. Like he said he payed an extra $500 on the car last month, but I don't know about that. I did put in one dig on H and that was he was telling me he how he got a ticket coming back from chicago in November and I said "oh the romantic weekend right after you left me again saying you would be right back". I said sorry right away, but I never do stuff like that and he had just gotten done saying how he didn't want to get a life insurance policy for S because my brother (an insurance agent) told me we BOTH should do it, not just H, but H is mad because it was my brother and because he has all these meds he is on which will increase his rate.

The only thing from the class H doesn't have yet is a "home" for S. Since he lives with his parents, H and S never have their time, and the grandparents/uncles never have time with S either. It is all awkward so H really needs a place of his own.

I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. Everytime something big for the D happens I have a bad few days. Thinking about grief. I believe I have accepted the fact H left me and grieved that part. I have forgiven him for the most part, which is why I can be around him so much, but I am still grieving our marriage which is the part I have not forgiven H for. I am past angry (which I learned yesterday I probably don't stay angry long enough) and am at depression. I know because when I am depressed I don't clean the house and the house is a mess. I just need help to get motivated.

On H "taking care" of me, he is trying to help with the car, and then I did something that made my side (yes from this summer when I fell) hurt. He asked about it and I said I was trying to do some ab stuff and it started to hurt again. It was looking good, but now is swollen again. He said I should do him a favor and get it taken care of. I said I would but I need a new doc (mine is horrible) so he said he would make the appointment and even go with me if I was scared about what they say. Yes I am scared, but mostly because I don't want surgery. I have a S to raise and I don't want to deal with this. I know it is either a pulled muscle or fractured rib because where the pain is there is nothing to hyrniate. Anyway just more weird stuff.

Soon the M will be over and I will officially be single. Not something I ever wanted and H will finally be free to be with OW the way he wants, if she ever leaves her H (he and OW only do stuff when her H is working). Oh well not my problem as long as it doesn't affect S.

Now off to get ready for church because a teacher at the last minute called to say she is sick.