My question is why if the rift between XH and BMF came about because of XH talking to BMF's XW, why in the world would BMF try to discourage a R between you and XH? You out of the picture could encourage a R between his XW and your XH. This sounds like the last thing that the BMF would want to do.
Could BMF's XW have sent you the book? Maybe she has more interest in your XH than he does in her. If that is the case she would have a motive to try and keep you two apart. It's possible that XH has been talking about you to her and she's getting insecure.
Just another thought on the subject. Straighten me out if I've got the wrong impression.
GAG, The police department most likely will take no action. I suggest that you keep a log and document everything that happens from here on out. Put the package away in a safe place and try not to touch the strand of hair again...Also, try to refrain from talking to too many people about the package.
If you sit quietly and do not let on that you've received the package, the person who sent it will trip up at some time. The person who sent it is looking for a reaction from you. Don't give it to them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly is exactly right. Although I have to say, if the package was truly sent by the BMF, he is one strange dude, and that is one strange relationship. I can see why you are not fond of him.
I agree, the police will not do anything. I have proof that the OW in my case stole my identity, and the PA will not move on it.
GAG - My thinking is that a woman had sent the book to you...guys don't operate this way...do they? And my feeling is that it's a woman that has interest in your H and doesn't like that he is starting to spend more time with you.
It is disturbing that someone would go to all of this trouble to discourage you.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
GAG, The person who sent that to you is obviously a coward. There is much written that the person that gets involved with a MLC'r has issues of their own that they can not deal with. The OP in my sitch is also a coward. BIL has said it. W has admitted it. Does not change the fog. You must be a threat to this coward for them to go to this trouble like Mila suggested. Whatever you are saying/doing to get this type of package in the mail, suggests to me you are doing something right.
Thanks Seeking, snodderly, punkin, Cas, Mila, and warrior,
I have been reading along and you have given me very wise counsel!
Seeking, the reason I thought that BMF would discourage a R between XH and me is because BMF is very immature and possessive.......and XH put money in his will for BMF (a sizable amount) in the past, but when we married XH decreased that amount by 60%. I've always sensed jealousy from BMF.
Punkin, what you said about your issue with identity theft made a big impression on me. You and snodderly gave me good advice. I decided that talking to the police about this would be a waste of time. I found a local forensic handwriting expert online (she has a very good bio) and spoke with her today. She told me how to preserve the evidence. I have an appointment with her next thursday. She also gave me the name and phone number of a forensic scientist with our state's Bureau of Criminal Apprehension who does consulting on the side. I will contact him as well.
I have done less well with limiting the number of people whom I've told about this. On my sister's advice I talked to BMF's X-GF (long dyed blonde hair) over the weekend) to see what kind of reaction she would give me. Based on her reaction I really don't think she sent the package. She and XH weren't very fond of one another, so I know they wouldn't be dating on the sly. In fact, BMF's X-GF had some objects that BMF held in his hands last spring. She bagged them in ziplock baggies and brought them to my house so I can use them for the forensic analysis.
Cas, I feel safe right now, but my sister keeps warning me to look over my shoulder.
Mila, think you may be right that this came from a woman. I spent 4 hours with XH tonight. We played table tennis for 2 hours (good exercise and some fun --- I kept trying to put balls into XH's pockets to flirt with him like Jody suggested), then XH took me to a neighborhood restaurant for a birthday drink. We stayed 2 hours. I have been feeling a bit like this is the end game for me and also thinking about Jody's advice from our last session in July that if I wanted to move the R forward, I needed to disclose more intimate information.
Jody and I had decided that when I had the opportunity I would tell XH that some of my friends and work colleagues didn't understand how XH and I could be friends after what we'd gone through. Told him that there wasn't really a word to describe the kind of R that we have. Told him that we don't have to worry what other people think about our R since we're living our own lives (I could see by the look in his eyes that this registered with him). Jody had suggested saying this in order to frame our R in a way that would give XH permission to continue to be friends with me. I asked XH if he knew of any couples that had D that had the type of friendly R that we have. He said that he had to admit that he didn't.
I said that Rs are good to help us grow. That we learn a lot by bumping against people in Rs. Said that I had learned things from our R and that I was grateful for that. Told him that one of the things I am working on currently is reducing my stress level. Said that I knew that while we were living together that when I got stressed he felt as though I was angry with him, even though I wasn't. Said I was working on reducing stress in my life. Didn't want the next person to feel that way. I could see the look of recognition in his eyes. The entire evening with him was very friendly and unguarded.
XH was talking to me about his life (friends and business) in a somewhat more intimate tone, so I decided to disclose some of my struggles to XH. Told him about my work struggles last spring (in a positive way, told him the work change was good), needing to cut down a 100 year old tree in the middle of the patio (we both LOVED that tree!), I told him that I had stumbled upon the username that his BMF uses on dating sites and that I had seen several of BMF's posts (and told him how he could see these himself)........AND........about the package. I described the package to him and told him about the long dyed blonde hair taped to the front of the package. Asked if he knew anyone with hair like that who might send me a package like that. He said that he had been dating a woman named (OW#2 --- the name he said was the person I suspected after seeing her photo on his FB page last week --- I knew she had long blonde hair) who had long dyed blonde hair, but that he had broken up with her 2 weeks ago because she wanted to get M (best I can tell, they'd only been dating about 6 months). She contacted him again 3 days ago, saying she had decided she was OK with not getting M, and they went biking together.
Originally Posted By: warriorshadow
Whatever you are saying/doing to get this type of package in the mail, suggests to me you are doing something right.
warrior, yes, tonight XH told me that OW#2 felt threatened that he and I were still in contact, even though he said she didn't really know the extent to which we were in contact. I asked XH if he had any of OW#2's hair or fingerprints at his house and asked if he would give them to me for forensic testing. He said that he thought he had some hair for sure. I told him that OW#2 might be a bunny boiler and laughed (my bad, but I deserved this!) I think XH might be thinking the same. He seemed very protective of me when I told him about the package. Said he would also tell BMF about the package in person to watch for his reaction. Also said that BMF and he had settled their differences but their R would never be the same (not as close) because he can't condone all of BMF's bad behavior and a lot of his friends have been asking why he continues to be friends with BMF.
As we walked out of the restaurant to our cars, I was a bit buzzed (2 drinks on an empty stomach) and said to XH, I always thought that the problems we had were very solvable. He nodded and agreed in a receptive way. When we got to our cars, we hugged and said goodnight. All in all, a very friendly, and intimate evening.
GAG
Last edited by goodattitudegirl; 09/23/1005:08 AM.
What stands out to me is that XH didn't jump to ow's defense when you were asking him about wanting her hair and your suspicions. Now, once he processes all that you've told him he still may come to her defense, but if he doesn't, well jeez, he may just not be that into her.
You've given XH a lot to think about. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he may retreat for a while to process.
Your exchange with your XH sounds very positve, especially the part where he acted protective of you. You at the least know he cares for you.
Please be vigilant and watch out for yourself. MLCers aren't known for picking the most stable of people to become involved with while in the fog.
Sounds like your XH may be awakening and hopefully realizes that the best one for him has been there all along.
once he processes all that you've told him he still may come to her defense, but if he doesn't, well jeez, he may just not be that into her
Seeking, FUNNY! I laughed out loud!
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
You've given XH a lot to think about. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he may retreat for a while to process.
Thanks for the reminder. I DO need to brace myself for this.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Sounds like your XH may be awakening and hopefully realizes that the best one for him has been there all along.
XH DID say that he and I have had some really good times together, so at least he is allowing himself to remember those times now. "But (he said) living together was difficult". After I got home I kept thinking that I wanted to ask him "What part of this difficulty do you think that you contributed to?"............Arghhhhhhhh! He is a SLOW learner! Still not taking any responsibility for his part of that.
After XH's first D he dated a woman who by all accounts was/is a bit nutty. When we were together, if he saw her in public, he would race in the other direction to avoid her..........so he has experience with bunny boilers in the past. I think my story about the package made an impression on him. Don't think he wants another bunny boiler in his life,....although it sounds like he may have one.
A lot has happened! STill weird about the book and hair but hope the conversation with your H helps to keep bringing him forward! I am glad that you had a nice evening!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
and laughed (my bad, but I deserved this!) I think XH might be thinking the same. He seemed very protective of me when I told him about the package. Said he would also tell BMF about the package in person to watch for his reaction. Also said that BMF and he had settled their differences but their R would never be the same (not as close) because he can't condone all of BMF's bad behavior and a lot of his friends have been asking why he continues to be friends with BMF.
