Change is in the air........

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks pie, Cas, Grit, Lance, punkin, CW, eric, and Seeking for sharing your perspectives. I'll try to address some of your feedback.

First, catching up...... GF visiting from Montreal had a very good insight about why it was probably easier for XH to chat with BMF about their differences than with me about ours. (On Labor Day weekend I went into a tailspin because XH wanted to work out his differences with BMF, but hadn't even tried to do this between us.) My GF said that XH's disagreement with BMF (BMF is jealous of the time XH spends with BMF's XW) is more clear cut and not as emotionally laden as his differences with me. For XH to work out his differences with me would require him to look inside ---- and that's a very scary place for him.....That explanation really helped me to put this into perspective.

For a couple minutes last night I saw behind his mask. He let down his guard with me. I don't remember ever seeing him so unguarded before.

When I wrote this I meant that I had NEVER seen the H/XH behind his social mask. Not even before or when we were M. It was surprising that he allowed me to see that.

I have reached a new level of detachment. I will continue to be a friend, but I don’t think I will be DB’ing as actively as I have in the past

Lance, when I wrote this I meant that I was going to stop doing the majority of the work needed to maintain my R with XH. I am going to be more relaxed. Initially, H was SO resistant to any type of friendly interaction and was focused like a laser on getting D'ed that I DB'ed my heart out. I always looked fabulous when H saw me, I spent time writing e-mails to make sure they wouldn't send him scurrying away, and I constantly thought about how I could make myself seem more interesting to him. Jody said that H was unusually resistant to DB'ing so I kinda went into hyperdrive and stayed there. I don't think I would be in a friendly R with XH now if I hadn't done that. Lance, yes, I think that what I meant is that I am changing my focus now, probably more in line with what Eric described very nicely ("don't overanalyze...just enjoy your time with him. Be yourself. Let him be himself and hey...see where it goes.")

Can you control the friends he has? I think you know that the answer is NO. I think the bigger questions is....

Why would you want to?

Eric, thank you for your perspective. Re: XH's BMF, the issue for me now is less about wanting to control who XH's friends are (really it's only ONE friend (BMF) that I am concerned about; his other friends are very good people) than it is about whether or not I want to be in a R with someone who chose to place such an immoral BMF smack in the middle of our M R.

At some point you have to understand yourself. Step out of the pack. That is hard for men I think. Their relationships are escapes really because you are always on the cursery level. We don't go deep usually. The things we do are by design to escape really. Watch football together, grab a beer etc. We are not very well equipped to help eachother in the life department until we grow up.

Unfortunately, as I have said before, it often takes tragedy to start the growing process.

And that scare the sh!t out of men. Because all we want to do is fix it.

Grit, GREAT post!!!!!!!! REALLY appreciate your insight into male friendships. I think that I need to laminate this one. Thanks!

Don't worry about others influence on him. He has to figure it out on his own. And if he doesn't, well, you've already been there and you don't want to go back.

You are right! I see changes in XH now. I guess time will tell whether he gains the kind of insight you are referring to.

Punkin, I don't intend to go away any time soon. All of this dialogue is VERY helpful for sorting things out and growing.

However, some are also like truegritter's friends and they're really negative. I know they said, "Forget him, move on" as a way to alleviate my pain. It's not that simple though, is it?

Yes, Cas. It seems that lately almost all of my friends who were at least somewhat supportive of my efforts toward reconciliation, are now encouraging me to walk away. This adds to my confusion so I really appreciate being able to come here.

Wow my head hurst after that...

I need some more coffee.

WOW!!!!!!!!! I want some of what YOU'RE drinking!!!! I like your analysis of possible friends' motivations.

GAG