Thank you so much to Jeff and Serenity...I don't know why I let my self fall so far and hurt so deeply this evening. Well, I didn't know. But now I do.
My marriage is over.
It has been over legally since February.
It has been over emotionally since whenever Dan turned his feelings off for me, whenever he chose to turn to someone else and to make me the scapegoat. And that has been going on for years.
And no matter how many times I dropped the rope with one hand, the other hand picked it up.
The part of me that is the unapologetic goofball optimist never let that little ember of hope go. However, all that did was allow me to continue to feel hurt by his antics.
If I had truly accepted that our relationship was over and could not be revived, then I would not have been surprised by his actions. We all know insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for a different result.
Anybody remember that odd lady Susan Powter or something? She had a buzz hair cut and would shout "Stop the Insanity"!!! Well it's about time I do that isn't it?
The most embarrassing thing is that I realize that for a long time, I almost let Dan replace God. I mean, I always loved God, but I know I looked to Dan for acceptance, love, validation, and approval. I realize now that whenever Dan rejected me, even this afternoon, I let myself believe it was true, that I was unlovable.
Well, now I am calling Bullsh!t.
My buddy Woog thinks I am awesome. You guys think I am pretty great (when I am not acting like a doorknob). I have friends and family and most importantly, I know God loves me.
So time to stop letting one man's opinion determine how I feel.
I took my thread title from a song I posted on my FB page. The thing that makes a person's character, is that they get up when they fall down.
So, I am getting up and dusting myself off. Time to truly move along...more than I ever have before.
