Very low right now. This is the weekend before my anniversary and I had such dreams for us to take a trip - all the things you do for your 25th. Instead I am home alone tonight. Am taking the kids to Nashville tomorrow for a little get away. For some crazy reason I think that I'll feel better after Tuesday has come and gone. Right now I am trying to just let myself feel the pain - because I have a reason to feel this hurt.
I catch myself time and time again trying to rationalize all of this. I am constantly questioning myself "what if he is right? what if he has never loved me? what if he HAS been MISERABLE for 25 years? what does that mean about me? Am I unlovable? Am I unworthy? Have I been incredibly selfish?" He is NOT unhappy right now being away from me. He thinks he has finally discovered what has been wrong with him all of this time - ME. There are times when I don't think my heart can take another day of this hurt.
Fun Friday night, huh?
So I'm sitting here looking at the screen debating my approach ... do I go with (((hugs))) and leave it at that or do I tell you what you might need to hear even if you don't want to?
I'm gonna do it PEI style ... you get both ...
(((hugs)))
Irish, this sucks, no doubt about it. But sweetie, and you know this, I know you do ... you decide how bad and for how long. It's up to you. Feel it, for as long as you want to ... when you no longer want to feel like that choose differently. Really.
Yes, you have a reason to feel the hurt, and part of healing is feeling it and processing it, but don't wallow in it, don't stay there.
Are you unlovable? Are you unworthy?
You KNOW the answers to these questions Irish. Now it's time to BELIEVE them.
I posted the following on Eric's thread just yesterday...
Originally Posted By: PEI
I've finally wrapped my head around the fact that our batchit crazy MLC spouses can not take our good memories. They can rewrite history all they want, but I will remember the good times and smile. I won't let all this craziness and pain poison the memories of a life that produced three beautiful kids and a dozen photo albums of a smiling family. We can choose to enjoy the good memories ... for example ... today I was driving to an appt at lunch time when our first dance song from our wedding came on the radio. I turned it up. Sang my guts out and smiled. It was a beautiful day.
I also chose to celebrate all that is good in my life when my 10 year anniversary rolled around a few weeks ago. Took a bit for me to wrap my head around that, I wallowed for a bit ... but then I remembered that my feelings are MY responsibility.
You are doing well Irish, you really are. Keep moving forward...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
PEI - you always make me smile / I know you are right and I know I AM wallowing. Not sure why - I just can't seem to get to the point where I can let it ALL go. Sometimes I feel as if I will NEVER be able to l- I am not attractive to be around right now - and I need to get a handle on how to really take control of MY life and commit to staying on a narrow path for personal healing and improvement.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I know how you feel regarding anniversaries. Just had to deal with mine today. Do something nice for yourself. It's well worth it and will help keep you focused on you. No guarantees your mind won't wander. In fact, I'm sure it will. But at least you'll be doing something for yourself!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I can comment on this...since I am now on the other side...reconciled for several years, happily...
My H initially told me had been unhappy/miserable for several years...then it became 10 yrs...then it became OVER 10 yrs...then I finally heard this, "The worst day of my life was when I married you."...I don't remember my dad holding a gun to his head, don't remember forcing him to propose to me, I actually don't remember seeing a miserable man until his "trigger" for his MLC happened...
So NO, he has not been miserable your whole marriage, you are not unloveable...no one is!...Your H has to say/believe this to justify and go on like he is...the point here is one day, hopefully, he will realize that all this misery and unhappiness had NOTHING to do with you...sure, you aren't perfect...you made mistakes...but so is he and so did he...it is called being HUMAN...and if you weren't miserable chances are pretty good that in truth, neither was your H!
You all have been wonderful during a very difficult time! Kids and I had an awesome day in Nashville. I am SO blessed! They have the most amazing perspective and bring me back to reality. You all have the same abilities! Thanks for your patience!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I myself called a friend, rented some movies, bought some subs and went to her house. Just got back. Beats hell out of sitting home alone all the time.
We just have to find enough to keep our hearts and minds busy. Hang in there.
Had a great time in Nashville with kids. My middle D was particularly insightful about a few things. We were talking about the whole situation and she said "You know mom - in his unhappiness Dad has turned away from the family instead of toward the family." She said "He is unhappy about how things are with you - but he has also made it clear through his actions and words that he is unhappy with how we kids have turned out." She said - "we've all gone through things at different points over the last few years and we've always turned inward - toward the family to get through - and we have. But Dad over the past while - hasn't"
Right now I am trying to get ready for the week - it's been a difficult few days. With Tuesday looming (25th anniversary) - I'm looking for some input as to whether or not I should acknowledge the day with H or not. Any advice?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
ib- It is amazing how insightful kids can be. You should feel proud that she is able to see things pretty clearly at a young age.
I am not entirely familiar with your sitch so I'm not sure how much input I can give you. I think most MLCers are uncomfortable acknowledging anniversaries. IF, and that is a big IF, you do anything I would keep it very simple like a card that lets him know you are thinking of him.
I hope you are strong and make it through your anniversary as painlessly as possible.
