You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Good day at work. I'm doing a story on a family that's losing their house in foreclosure. It's the first time someone actually said we could use their name in a story.

So I call the mortgage company that they've been fighting with for two years. I called the company on Tuesday and, coincidentally, by Thursday night the company and the family came up with a modification plan that will allow them to keep the home.

[ImprovedRomeo]

It's amazing how even the biggest banks are willing to cooperate as soon as the media gets involved. Wonder if that's the way to go about these things..."Hello we're the local GoodMorning Times and we're doing a story on Mr. Romeo and how your law firm is screwing him out of money. Would you be willing to go on the record about some of the facts related to this case? Really? no issues huh? ok well I'll check back in a few days with Mr. Romeo to make sure this wasn't just a misunderstanding. Thank you for your time."

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. The Chicago Tribune has a weekly column called the Fixer where a guy sifts through a list of people getting screwed over and starts making calls. Inevitably, things work out.

Another interesting meeting. I had lunch with my city's most successful developer. He's going through a divorce. Again, compare notes time. He's spent $1 million on the divorce so far because the prenup he signed 19 years ago didn't mention legal fees -- so he was forced to pay the STBXW's fees.

We were supposed to talk from noon to 1 p.m. I didn't leave until 2:30 p.m. I gave him some DB wisdom from this site. I told him how STBXW is like an Alzheimers patient. She looks and sounds like the woman I married 14 years ago, but that person is long gone and has been replaced by someone I don't know at all.

Also, he liked the "It's a marathon not a sprint" analogy.

[ClingingToHope]

Finally a letter from my L ... Just a bill. I'm sending him small monthly installments.

[antlers]

She looks and sounds like the woman I married 14 years ago, but that person is long gone and has been replaced by someone I don't know at all.

Seems pretty common in situations like this. I can relate precisely to what you're saying here. I think it may be because that they have so utterly detatched from us that we no longer know who they are...it affects 'us' that way!

[ClingingToHope]

Antlers, what I've seen on a lot of these threads and in my situation is the WAS acts exactly opposite of how they did or said they wanted to.

I remember a year before we split up, STBXW was down and I was trying to get her to go out with her friends. She mostly just sat and moped all weekend.

She said she couldn't go out with her coworkers because she's a supervisor. And she couldn't go out with her best friend because she didn't want to be hanging out getting drunk in dive bars.

So the M blows up and now she either heads north to hang out at country and western bars watching a coworker's husbands band play or in a small town 30 minutes from here with her best friend getting drunk at dive biker bars.

I was heading to a softball game the other day and a couple of 40ish women came out of a bar with their biker jackets on. I thought of STBXW and wondered if that's how she looks on the weekends. I'm not attracted to that type at all.

Really tired today. D11 is at a birthday party and staying over night. D8 and I picked up a friend and went swimming at the health club. Now they are watching TV. Should be a quiet night at home.

Interesting thing last night. At the Friday night church group, I had the girls and the woman who is really struggling with anger in my Tuesday class was there. She's in her mid-40s and looks really good for her age -- when she's not angry.

So I waved to her and we all walked in together and D11 asked me as I was checking them in if I "like, liked" her.

I said no, no. She's a friend from class.

Later, as I was putting her to bed, I told D11 that I would tell them if I met someone I "like, liked." I wouldn't just spring her on them.

D11 told me I "need" to find someone. She worries I'm unhappy. I told her not to worry, but I've done that before. They think I'm sitting around moping all the time. I tried to tell them that it's kind of the opposite, I tend to do too much.

[awest1217]

But D11 only sees how you act with her, not how you act with your friends so make sure you are putting across the idea that you are doing well and she will believe it more.

Kids are really more perceptive than we give them credit so if she feels you are unhappy it is from some way you are acting. Ask her why she thinks you are unhappy so you can change those behaviors and maybe show her more that you are doing better.

[ClingingToHope]

I know Awest. Part of this goes back to last summer. When I first moved out it was really hard not having the kids. Then I got my apartment and could have them and what really shocked me was how hard it was when I had them because I wondered what STBXW was doing.

For the most part that has gone away. It's a matter of flipping the calendar and getting through the days. The people she's hanging out with now I wouldn't want to be around anyway. If that's the life she needs to be happy, I would be miserable being a part of it.

Another weird thing -- and it may be coincidence -- but many of the big shocker things, the filing, finding out she was with other guys at the county fair, seeing another man mow what used to be my yard for 13 years, always seemed to happen on nights or weekends I had them.

Probably just a coincidence, but those would throw me for a loop.

Another thing with D11 -- and to another extent D8 -- is they keep looking for proof that I still love STBXW. They'll ask about this thing or ask to hear a story and I oblige.

So they think I'm still madly in love with STBXW. I tried to kind of explain it to D11, that I still love the STBXW I married, but she isn't the same person anymore.

It's tough.

I'll just soldier on. Who knows what STBXW is doing this weekend. She pulled a small stunt this morning. She tried to call last night, I didn't answer, so she texted asking if we were home so she could drop off D11's asthma meds.

I texted back. No. We're not home tonight. Just put them in the mailbox.

When we did get home, no meds.

Then at 8 a.m. she starts ringing the doorbell. The girls were still sleeping -- so was I. So I stepped outside and she started handing me the meds. She said there was too much to put in the mailbox. She could have put them in a bag and hung it on the doorknob, but I didn't say anything. I took them from her and stepped back inside.

Later today, I looked online and she forwarded me an email from school. D8 has missed several assignments so STBXW is asking for a meeting. The response from the teacher was to the point.

It's hard to explain sufficiently here. STBXW seemed to be insinuating in the email that the reason D8 has missed assignments is because the directions on what is expected in class is unclear and that the communication was much better last year.

For 13 years she would ask me to edit her emails because she tends to come off .... b*tchy.

Well, now I'm not there to do that.

It looks like the teacher responded a little defensively. She said she would ask last year's teacher to sit in plus D8's aid from last year so they could discuss all these issues.

STBXW responded back, "you can invite whoever you want."

So there'll be a meeting in a couple of weeks that'll be a whole lot of fun. Awest, I'm sure you've had these parents. Whenever D8 or D11 struggle, it's somehow the school's fault. The communication isn't sufficient. The teacher is being too hard on them. There isn't enough support. They ask too much.

It's why D8 switched schools twice before she was done with kindergarten. I remember a meeting once where STBXW was hammering away at D11's 4th grade teacher and I tried to calm things down a bit.

When it was over she stormed to her car. When I caught up with her she was crying and shaking with rage. She said I didn't support her in the meeting. She said I never support her when it comes to the girls.

I know teachers and I'd love to have those summers off, but I also know dealing with parents is hard because it's rarely the child's fault.

I love my girls to death. But a big reason they struggled two years ago was because our marriage was crumbling. STBXW was staying at work every night to 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. Now I know she was just avoiding me. But that affected the girls. D11 spent the year crying herself to sleep and forgetting things because she worried about us.

My guess is that D8's issues have to do with the fact she's back in a regular classroom -- last year she started out in special ed because of the ADHD -- and there are greater expectations. Homework is something she didn't have to do last year. All she ever had to do at home was a practice spelling test.

[awest1217]

As a teacher, I am sure D8's teacher will ask about what she can do to better communicate, but now that D8 is in 3rd grade, the responsibility will fall more on her. Also homework is a student/parent responsibility to get it done, not a teachers.

I recommend for you, if you are going and I recommend that you do, that you bring some of what you learned from DB about being solution-oriented to the meeting. Many teachers know how to do this, but when being attacked will forget. Make sure you try to be the "mediator". You may hate it, but it is better than a fight. Have ideas prepared for what the teacher could do to help.

I know with me, even in high school, with many of my special ed kids who are more severe, i am in constant contact with their teacher of record so I know what the student has done in previous years. I am sure D8's teacher is doing the same.

I know you don't like it, but ask STBXW in an e-mail what communication she would like the teacher to do before going to the meeting. Does she want the teacher to e-mail every night what the homework is? Is there an agenda that the teacher can sign saying D8 has everything written in it so you can look at that every night? Does the school have a website or a grade program that you can check where homework is posted (probably most likely location because this is what I do)?

I know you feel this is STBXW's thing, but you need to be a dad and since you are the one who is better at this stand up for your kid because teacher's are people too and when the parents are horrible...sometimes the kids suffer, not on purpose, but because the teacher doesn't want to deal with the parents. Or worse...you may have to move D8 again. Try to think about what is best for D8.

[ClingingToHope]

So it's 11:15 a.m. and D8 and I are in the car driving to pick up D11 from a sleepover. I'm pulling up to a stoplight and see STBXW's car. We're going to end up right next to it so I tell D8, hey there's STBXW car, you can wave to her.

We pull up and there's ... the same guy she was spotted with last summer, the same guy who was mowing our yard in the summer, driving her car.

D8 is staring at him, saying it can't be her mom's car, then she notices the youth theater sticker and she says, it is mom's car, who is that?

She wanted to call STBXW. I said no. I sent her a text asking who was driving her car. Hannah saw him. She texted back that "Jer" was taking her car to get a new headlight. They know him as the brother of .... blah, blah, blah.

I waited a minute and texted back "When are you going to tell the girls about him."

There's been no response on that one.

We get D11 and D8 starts in about the guy and D11 asks me why I'm making an assumption. I told her that after being with someone for 13 years, seeing another man in the car I paid for is hard.

We dropped off D8's friend and D8 walked her to the door. D11 told me I had to move on and that lady we saw Friday night was nice.

I told her that I have not asked a single person out since I moved because I consider STBXW and I to still be married. When the divorce is final I'll start asking women out.

Aaaaaaggggghhhhh. I hate that it happened on a day I have the kids so they can see it affect me.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling. It's pretty brazen. I mean it's 11 a.m. on a Sunday. My guess is that means he's now staying on weekends. It could be an innocent thing where he's coming over to help on the house ... which has been her story. I don't believe that.

Really, though, it's not so much that I'm upset about this guy. I told the girls in the car that their mom is going to date someone else some day and this might be the guy.

I think it's my competitiveness. I wanted to be the one to find someone first. I feel constrained now by the fact the divorce isn't final. I'm out there, but I'm not really out there. But there's more to it than that as well. Money is a problem and will be a problem even after the settlement -- as long as I get it -- even if I found someone I couldn't afford more than renting a movie from the store right now.

Well, I need to rally.