hoosiermama? I AM!!

[Gardener]

hm,
Hi, I took a week or two off of the site. I'm so sorry for d14. How ironoc and admirable that she is so much more mature than her dad. Sorry about the tight, lean times; you know I can relate.

I'm very lonely this morning. it will be okay; it's a beautiful day, I have some interesting things to do. but I miss connection right now. it's not about whether or not I ever have it again, but right now I miss feeling connected to another person. I want someone to see something special in me, little things, good things that are worth noticing and celebrating. yes, I can do that for myself, but I want the intimacy of someone else finding those things. and even more than that, I want to do the same for someone else--their little gifts, the sweetness, the specialness, the things that perhaps no one else notices in each other. I want a love, or at least a connection, that is a shelter in the storm, that allows me--just for a moment--to hold and be held, to lean, to face pain with reinforcements and not alone. and I want that person not to leave, not to suddenly see only the bad parts of me (or to manufacture some that never before existed), to reach across the scars and the prickly times and say "this is worth working through" or even "let me help you with that."

Painful. Touching.
Yet beautifully expressed! (Have you been inside my mind, lately? )

Best I can do is a Mary Chapin Carpenter (who else?) quote from her song, "We Traveled So Far," that I keep on my desk:

You with the blue in your eyes
The storms of life leave a few lines
Squinting, you search for the signs
Of kindness, of love, of someone
To walk with in rain or in sun
Until then, life's hardly begun

You traveled
You traveled so far
You traveled so far to be here

is this unrealistic?

God, no! The simplest, most basic of human needs: connection.

Peace,