Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Thanks Dagny. I'm having an absolutely horrible day but I'm trying to find a way around it.

I broke down last night in bed crying as silently as I could. Gabe asked me what was wrong but I couldn't speak right then and it was after midnight so I was very tired. This morning I managed to hold it together. We went to a local arts and crafts festival and then fishing. It was nice and all was ok. Then the crap hit the fan. We got home, I logged in to my email and there was a "Happy Anniversary" email from a radio station that I had registered with several years ago. That broke me.....right in front of Gabe. I was blubbering so hard and I could seem to stop it. It was totally humiliating. I told him that today would have been our 17th anniversary and it still meant a lot to me but it was painful. He got all upset and mad and kept saying he was sorry, it was all his fault and he was an idiot. I told him that my being upset was not his fault. I was more upset with myself that my heart wouldn't let go of the date. It wasn't a pretty picture. I went and sat next to him on the couch and laid my head on his should and he kissed the top of my head. It was comforting and nice and I decided that if ever there was an appropriate time to let my guard down a little more it was then when we had a close moment and could possibly speak openly.

I asked him what he thought this relationship between us was and if he saw it heading somewhere. His response?

"I enjoy being with you and Marc. I feel comfortable with you and I like hanging out with you and doing stuff together. Why does it have to be going anywhere? Why does there have to be a label on it?"

That was all I needed to hear. I now understand. I'm a comfortable place to be, not the person he wants to be with. He doesn't love me. I just got very quiet and just said, "Apparently I feel more for you than you do for me." I got up and left to pick my mom up from dialysis.

So, the status quo is all I'll have with him. I have to figure out now if I can live with no love, but having some companionship and a live in co-parent or if I need more than that at some point in my life. Not sure how to handle that if I decide that but I don't know if I can do that to Marc. Asking his dad to leave because he can't love me seems totally wrong to me. That would be a horrible thing to do to my child. That would be putting my own happiness above his wouldn't it? Isn't that what his dad did to him? What a sh!tty way for his parents to treat him.

CRAP! This SUCKS!