Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

What I think you did was great... I think (and wish) that all husbands and wives would be so open and honest as you were with things like you were.

Doc, thank you. This means a lot to me, and is very reassuring to hear.

No you should not give him a suggestion of what HE should say. But you should ask if he really understood what you were saying. Sometimes there is a mis communication... I know this happens with my wife and me all of the time. So tell him what you want him to know and make sure he understands where you are coming from. They ask him if he understands...sometimes you need to explain things several different ways to make it clear...The rest is up to him

Thank you for this also. This is very enlightening, and couldn't have come at a better moment. I need to ramble a bit just to sort this out in my head. Forgive if this doesn't make any sense.

I had bad dreams last night, and woke up this morning thinking about that very conversation. Then while I was puttering in the kitchen it struck me that I shouldn't have been surprised about his response. (Just fyi, he'd said "Well I'm glad you finally figured it out... your brother did 20 years ago - why do you think he moved so far away when he was only 18?") I think that the primary way I've ever expressed my feelings about my childhood experiences around my H was with anger. So, I think being upset with him for not knowing I was hoping for comfort and compassion, was not fair.

He couldn't have understood what I was saying because I think I am just coming to an understanding about what I was saying in the first place. That I am SAD about it. I am so tired of keeping such an awful secret and having to protect my other siblings from knowing what happened my insides ache. I'm HURT about being left alone to deal with it; and not only that, to be expected to deny my own pain and fear over it so as to comfort my mother's pain around it. (i'm sorry I can't elaborate more about what happened than that...I'd probably make a lot more sense if I did but it just doesn't seem right to) Augh. Anyways.

So you're totally right. He couldn't have understood where I was coming from because to an extent, I don't think I even knew. As a result, I think I've only given him half the story of where I'm coming from. He's heard the anger, but not the pain and hurt, and he's certainly not seen the buckets of tears I feel like I could still cry sometimes.

The way he responded was simply the way he has been used to responding. He couldn't have known that maybe what I'm needing now is comfort and compassion.

I'm torn though. Time has given me such great advice, about not getting so mired in old pain that it prevents you from seeing the positives in your present and future. I don't know if it would be good for me to walk down that road again so that he could know where I'm coming from now. But at the same time it's not fair of me to expect responses from him that he can't offer. Ack. Very confusing.

Anyways thank you so much again, for your thoughtful comments Doc. Take care, FMV.