I don't think you are rambling. I think you make perfect sense. You may have truly reached the end of your rope. Everyone says that you will know when you get there. I don't believe I could have held on as long as you have. You have been brave and strong, and obviously follow your heart.
It takes immense courage to do what you have done over the past 5 years AND what you are doing now. You are like a butterfly emerging from your chrysalis and about to spread your wings. Only time will tell what the next stage brings and whether H will be part of that stage or not. You are in control of this. You have ALWAYS been in control of your choices and you have made the choices that were right for you. No regrets.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anais Nin
My MLC journey has been very different from yours, but the end result is the same, that until and unless they face their issues, they are still in MLC. Some of them go through phases, as outlined, others just seem to wander around in the wilderness, being depressed, withdrawn, in replay, in denial, and angry all at once.
Some of them are pleasant and loving, others are mean and hateful towards us, but the fact remains, in MLC they have no interest in the marriage, and in developing a mature relationship. At some level, I think most (tho not all) of them want us in their lives, but on their terms and when they want to contact us.
MLC is abusive towards us, and we need to detach fully from it for our own sake.
Although I am pro marriage, it is not at any price, and I think that you are doing absolutely the right thing in filing. Yes, it is what apparently they want us to do, to turn us into the 'bad' guy, but that is OK, it is not our problem.
You also wondered if money is a big part of this. That has been my experience. So many of them become both spendthrift and obsessed with money - what it represents and what it can buy, and how it can be used to control others. I have so many examples of this, but it took me a while to see that trying to get money out of me, and conceal what he has spent has explained a lot of his behaviour. They leave us and then try and cheat us financially, it is priceless.
Sanderika-Several months ago, I reached my breaking point and I pushed for the D. I just couldn't take my H sitting on the fence one more day. I think we have to reach this point to truly move on with our lives otherwise we will continue thinking that today could be the day they finally get it. Once you reach that breaking point, you don't think like that anymore. You move on with your life and live. Your spouse just becomes part of your history and you open yourself up to whatever comes your way. You are closing that chapter of your life and beginning a new one...one hopefully filled with happiness and fulfillment.
I figure that my pending D is a "no lose" situation for me. After dealing with my H's crisis for 4 years, I am finally moving forward with my life one way or the other. It may or may not stir the pot enough for my H to deal with his issues. If it does great, we'll see what happens...if it doesn't, what have I lost?
Originally Posted By: beatrice
Some of them are pleasant and loving, others are mean and hateful towards us, but the fact remains, in MLC they have no interest in the marriage, and in developing a mature relationship. At some level, I think most (tho not all) of them want us in their lives, but on their terms and when they want to contact us.
Great synopsis.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
You also wondered if money is a big part of this. That has been my experience. So many of them become both spendthrift and obsessed with money - what it represents and what it can buy, and how it can be used to control others. I have so many examples of this, but it took me a while to see that trying to get money out of me, and conceal what he has spent has explained a lot of his behaviour. They leave us and then try and cheat us financially, it is priceless.
Is it really a money issue or a control issue? I don't think my H ever tried to cheat me financially...however he certainly has taken his money and pissed it away...almost like a kid whose allowance was burning a hole in his pocket.
Hmmm Upside, on the money issue - yes it is certainly about control, but I think it can also be used (in my case, and I don't think I am alone here) as a weapon. But here again maybe it is what happened when they were kids.
My h's family were mean with everything, and money was one of the ways they were both mean, spending as little as possible, but their meanness also reflected their general spiritual poverty. In a wonderful piece of pure projection my h accused me of being obsessed with money after I had just given him around $35,000 because he was in a financial hole. I am fairly certain it went straight into OWs pocket, but there we are.
In a wonderful piece of pure projection my h accused me of being obsessed with money after I had just given him around $35,000 because he was in a financial hole. I am fairly certain it went straight into OWs pocket, but there we are.
It may or may not stir the pot enough for my H to deal with his issues. If it does great, we'll see what happens...if it doesn't, what have I lost?
UP this is correct. HB has told me several times that you must risk everything in order to gain. That is what you are doing and their is no other way.
Thanks Lance. Although at this point, I feel like I have nothing left to lose and only something to gain here. It took getting to this place for me to be able to take the "risk" as you say. However, moving forward like this has to be done from a place of peace and acceptance otherwise you are reacting or just hoping for a reaction. You have to get beyond that thinking that today could be the day that something could change.
I am interested in all of you [and there seem to be many] that have reasonable and friendly relationships with your spouses. Do you think that is a factor in getting back together? I mean, my h is still really, really nasty, most of the time, or he is babbling incoherent apologies but then DOES nothing [this happens rarely, but more frequently in the last 9 months]
I talk kindly to him when he is down but pretty soon he gets back to full spewing mode, and I back off, telling him it is unacceptable. Is it him [he has been doing this for nearly five years] or is it me? He is still angry, depressed, withdrawn, in denial and with elements of replay. It is fascinating, but quite depressing how stuck he is.
Stirring the pot is clearly not an option . . . we are proceeding to divorce. Or would be if he ever replied to lawyers letters. And then blames the delays on me.
A real issue for me is the children have all grown up while he has been off, and he simply does not feature in their lives at all. My eldest son has not seen his father for 3 years - this is tremendously sad, as he was a wonderful father. But now a self obsessed, self centred mean spirited person.
