I have to admit that I get up each and every day hoping I get something from him on Email. That I go to bed each night hoping tonight is the night he wakes me up with the doorbell. Feeling kind of stupid and worthless.
I just read this from Coach and I like it,
Replace hope with faith.
Faith that you will make the right decisions for you.
Faith that it will happen the way it supposed to.
Pun I haven't seen my W but twice since February.
It's OK. It is.
You're OK.
Stop watching.
Stop listening.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I love the thought, I really do. I just don't seem able to kick it. Especially on weekends. I make myself go out and do things, but then all I want is to be home, hiding. I really, truly didn't expect to be still feeling this way after this amount of time. I know there are some out there that have been fighting this battle for years. I thought I'd be able to let go or something. Detached - Yes, Letting Go - Not really.
Hate to whine, but my mind isn't staying occupied enough on weekends to banish the thoughts and memories. Not sleeping well either. Trying to stop taking stuff to sleep. Probably withdrawls.
I have no trouble counting my blessings. There are many. Just scared of the future alone, scared of the reality. Not pleasant, but factual.
I wish . . . .not. When I was 29 yo, I dated a 20 yo for about 6 months. I was bored, we were good for each others egos, but that was where it ended for me. When he presented me with an engagement ring, I had to end it. He was a nice guy, but looking back, I was a mother figure, and he was just a kid. Shortly thereafter I started seeing my future H, only 3 years younger.
Punkin...normal and natural feelings for someone you care about and love. I think we all go through this as our mind keeps testing us...are we still in it...are we still wanting it (our marriage, our spouse, ect.) It is hard, it is exhausting...I remember getting barely 3 hours of sleep a night for months... I remember my H initially telling me that he just needed 3 months away from me...3 months came and went...then he said, he needed a year...a year came and went...(in that time I got to hear how he had found the perfect woman and wanted to marry her, blah, blah, blah)Sometimes I would think to myself, "wow, I must be really horrible to live with...I must have been the worst wife...how could I have not known"...then my reasonable side would kick in and kick me in the butt...I made mistakes but I wasn't the only one...however I didn't run away from EVERYONE because of his mistakes...I stood by him trying to work with him...he was the one that bailed...I worked on what I needed to work and built myself up from the ground... Each milestone felt more like a millstone around my neck with me underwater...but I had my personal goals that kept me treading water...and I had my floaties on to help hold me up (I will let you think about that one, different for everyone) I did hit a wall in my sleep...Then I got a place for me and the kids...all of sudden I was able to sleep better...that helped A LOT... My H would go months with NO contact...not even to let the kids know he was alive...it was so hard...I worried about him... I too would have those same feelings...expecting him to walk in the door (like nothing ever happened)...I expected to get that phone call...that email...anything, telling me he had finally realized that he had made a big mistake... In the end it was nearly 2 years gone...and a really really hard first year, followed by a hard second year...followed by a better third year...feeling very happy now after the fourth year...and strong, connected, loved, and in love It was hard to get where we are...where I am...where I intend to keep myself...I pray daily thanking God for my family and my H... So keep counting those blessings...even though you feel the pain of the blessings you want but don't have right now...I never thought I could stand for the amount of time that I did...I never even planned to stand that long...it just happened...and you know why? Because I realized what true love really was...and began to value that...it is the self-sacraficing love...the love that endures all things and never fails...that same love kept me going...kept me floating from week to week, month to month... For me weekends were not much different then weekdays as I had no job when H left me...nights were hard, that was when we would spend "our" time together...it was lonely...painfully lonely...and it wasn't like I could go running around at night to avoid that...I had children that needed me... I started making plans with my kids to watch certain shows...they would become "our" shows...our together time...this helped... So, you just do what helps...the rest you just deal with...yes it is hard, tiring, sad...but when you start feeling that grab for the floaties (oh...and don't have that be a "substance" or alcohol, that doesn't work either), count your blessings again...and look around at those that are really struggling (including your H, even though he may not seem like it on the outside)...and see that as bad as things are, we don't life in Haiti, Cuba, Pakistan, Mexico, Iraq...or any other place that is so much harder then here, or more dangerous, or less civilized...be happy we are struggling where we are... Dream...your dream...don't make it dependent on anyone else...see what you can do to be happy all on your own...this helped me!
