CD as the years have passed and I've watched things I've found life has a life of it's own. Sometimes you can work your a$$ off to get somewhere and never get there, and other times it happens through serendipitous actions that are just like connecting the dots. It's hard to explain.
It's far from a fatalistic viewpoint. It's more like an artistic masterpiece where the brush is stroking all over the place and stroke one is this event, stroke two is that event, stroke 3, etc... in hindsight you can see the picture that was created and how all the strokes were perfectly laid out to create the masterpiece I call my life.
Each stroke is interpreted through my filter as 'good' or 'bad' based on my ignorance of trying to interpret them from where I'm at in that given moment when the stroke is made. But I have found as time marches on they all blend in together like an orchestrated piece.
My part in it all is how I actually behave and react while the strokes are being put down. Like the river analogy. The strokes happen and the only question is can I live with the strokes, not putting any value on them in the context of good or bad (defined only by my limited perspective without the ability to see how they will fit together in the future), and be able to be present in the moment and experiencing the actual joy of life itself.
It's like a giant chess game you are watching. The pieces move but you're not a chess player so you can't see how each move is lining up the next move. The chess player knows but you don't. In this analogy the chess player is life (my definition of God). The game is constantly being adjusted based on our reaction to the things that are happening.
It's a hard concept for me to actually verbalize. I see it way beyond what some people say is fatalism. It's like the pieces keep getting moved around for the best outcome for all involved. If you ride it and don't fight against the current, stay awake and see the pieces that arise we need to adjust within ourselves, life becomes effortless.
From one perspective it can appear as predetermined, but from another it's not preditermined at all, but rather a function of how the players in the play handle themselves inside of it.
For example, we've talked about cycles. When the cycle comes full circle you either take the opportunity to grow and evolve or you don't. If you do, then the game moves and you start in a new cycle. If you're awake and attentive you see what surfaces as the thing which will evolve you. If you miss the opportunity then the cycle repeats at that level. Different players, different details, but underneath a current of the same loop.
I was speaking to someone about this yesterday in regard to my father in law. He got really drunk a few weeks back, fell and was brought to the hospital. He detoxed there and was put into a psych ward. He spent weeks with no alcohol. When he came home he was at an apex in his cycle - a choice. If he stayed away from the booze and new cycle would have started up. If he drinks, he will enter back into the same cycle until the next apex.
The cycle is full of apex's where you can take a jump, but from my observation there are apex's that are created which all of a sudden create a situation where it forces you to look the decision right in the eye if you can't see it for yourself.
Each pass through the cycle creates a stronger and stronger 'critical' apex. It's like a drunk who first blackouts. Next apex he gets a DUI. Next one his family cuts him off. Next one his wife leaves him; loses his job; goes bankrupt, etc...
The pressure squeezes harder and harder pushing the person closer to their bottom.
People who fear rejection will constantly find themselves in situations where they are rejected until they pull out the root cause. The situation is both caused by a self fulfilling prophecy working hand in hand with life creating people/situations which push us back into the cycle. Different scenery, but nothing changes in the undercurrent level.
Wow, did I write all of that? lol
Keep what's useful and throw out the rest.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
When I really settle into what I wrote above as it relates to my life there is a peace which comes over me. A knowing, where you don't know where the knowing came from but it's just there. Almost like an intuitive sense.
But when I stop fighting, stop analyzing, stop swimming upstream, resisting what is. Stop trying to 'get my way', manipulate, control, hide, etc...
All that's left is a feeling of peace and contentment. A surety of everything is fine and perfect.
Extremely hard for me to express what it actually is. But I certainly know it when I'm in it. 'In it' is actually a misnomer - it's more like 'I am it'.
LOL, the more I try to express it the worse it gets at actually getting it across.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Back story- W was sick so I picked D2 up from her Friday. I had the best imteractionwith her to date. Happy, confident, smiling (motivated myself on the way)
I noticed she stood a little close and, like it made sense, put her hand on my hand to show me she had a fever. OK?
So, Sat and Sunday I got several texts about D2. Whether she was coughing, etc, as a kid where she is staying had the same flu.
TODAY? The GF of my W- -the one that is in MY position in a D -the one that called me on Exposure Day to "talk sense into me" -who is now enabling the affair letting W and OM saty w/ her
-sent a Friend Request to me on FB!!
REALLY?
Do I LOOK stupid?
Thought some of you would find it amusing.
And yes, I checked, W still has no FB profile. And all my security settings are "Friends Only"
