Sharing that kind of info is important because it gives you more insight into the moods of your children and what you may have to deal with when you're with them. From my perspective, it's pretty good stuff and if you don't show that you value it, she may stop doing it.
It didn't seem manipulative or anything, unless I missed something?
I don't think any of it is manipulative either, just very detailed. I guess that is good when it comes to the kids, but I thought the note on the cable bill was much more than I needed to know. She does like to include lots of details in her stories.
Since we haven't really corresponded for 2 weeks, I wasn't sure if I should see this as her reaching out a bit or not. Probably not, because this is how she has acted all through the summer. Also, wasn't sure if I should be trying to connect with her on these issues at ths point or continue to stay dim. Can't really go dark with all of the kid exchanges.
She will have the kids all next week because I will be in Europe from Monday til Monday, so I guess I will be dark for a week. I'm not planning to contact her from there at all.
We'll see.
Thanks to all of you for your continued advice and support. It is really good to have you to bounce things off of.
I don't think any of it is manipulative either, just very detailed. I guess that is good when it comes to the kids, but I thought the note on the cable bill was much more than I needed to know. She does like to include lots of details in her stories.
That reminds me of one of the things that I read and one of my own failings. According to John Grey, women de-stress by talking about things. They don't necessarily have to have a "purpose," it's the process itself that works for them. From a man's perspective, we just want them to get to the damn point so we will know what they expect us to do. The longer it takes them to get to the point, the more stressed we get. I would actually do that "move it along" gesture to my wife with my hands when she would start telling me something.
So, we stress them out by making them hurry through whatever it is they want to talk about it and devalue whatever it is their saying. I honestly don't know how anyone manages to stay married without knowing this stuff. It's like you need a decoder ring or something. Now I know that she enjoys telling me about her day (yep, she still can't wait to tell me about things despite the pending D day) and I just let her do it, even encourage it, and wish it would go on forever.
Right. I didn't realize it until I read Mars/Venus either, but by then, it was too late. I used to tease her too about telling me long, drawn-out stories. "and the woman was wearing BROWN shoes." But in my mind, that had absolutely NO bearing on anything! It was just fluff that I didn't need to know. When I became aware of her needs and started listening, then she was mad because why did I care now? I never cared before! I said "I didn't understand it was so important to you before." I didn't understand women's needs were so different from men's.
Then she files for D on 6/12, but all summer longs acts like nothing is going on, except she is sleeping in the other room and won't touch me. She still acts like my friend and wants to tell me all about her day and what she did here or there. When she was out until 3am, everything she drank, what she ate, blah, blah, blah. I don't get it. You are divorcing me! She was telling me about her irregular periods for god's sake! And this affects me HOW?
Do I sit there and listen to all of this and be friendly regardless of what she is doing to our family or do I tell her that given the circumstances, I don't need or even WANT to hear all about it? I don't want to be your friend. She can't continue to have the good parts of the relationship she is choosing and working so hard to end.
I just don't get it. Getting separated had put an end to this behavior, because I didn't contact her and just kept conversations short. Part of me thinks I should listen and empathize and part of me says not to until she decides she wants to stop the D and save the M. I don't know, do I try to make her miss it by staying dim or do I try to be the one she can't resist by being there for her? I guess I have to get the DR book back out and read up.
I don't know, do I try to make her miss it by staying dim or do I try to be the one she can't resist by being there for her? I guess I have to get the DR book back out and read up.
Maybe something to do during a flight...if you figure it out, let us know because I have the same problem. Cutting off most contact has only made her feel the M is dead more, but when I was at home she was oblivious to the effect of wanting a D on my desire to talk.
Is it as simple as... - be there for her, but make her open the doors (listen but don't begin), hoping that she sees that the "newer" you is a different person that she doesn't want to leave anymore? - OR ignore her until she wants you, hoping that she doesn't get so used to coldness & isolation that she gets a new life that doesn't include her H?
I also wonder if the DB books are more written for women getting back their men than men getting back their women.
When I first found out about my W's affair, I did everything for her. Then, I did nothing. Neither one seemed to make any difference in the outcome of our marriage. I believe that is up to the WAS to determine if they want to save the marriage or not at some point.
I do not really know at this point the answers.
For me, I never see my W and I reconciling.
There is always hope when all hope is lost.
Keep your hope if you still want your marriage.
I wish you the very best!!!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Is it as simple as... - be there for her, but make her open the doors (listen but don't begin), hoping that she sees that the "newer" you is a different person that she doesn't want to leave anymore?
Dan
My DB Coach says do this ^. My W and I are not separated, but I try to make sure I am not just hanging around the house unless I am there to interact with the children. I try to find something to do. But when W wants to talk, joke around, etc., I do it. We had a fairly emotional conversation the other night and she finally told me the type of things that I did that hurt her, which I had pretty much figured out myself. She is also completely stressed out, to the point of almost being PTSD, over financial stresses. I don't want to go into detail about that, but combined with her childhood issues, everything I learned completely confirmed that she is classic WAW syndrome and CANNOT possibly work on R, or even herself, until she is out of crisis.
I know that my changes have caused her to re-attach to some extent. Maybe to little, too late, but knowing how much I hurt her (whether or not I think the hurt is in scale) I can't possibly continue to act towards her in the way that caused her pain anyway.
Thanks MP! That makes sense. Be responsive, but don't initiate. I do believe that my W is completely stressed-out too, yet she continues to push forward with the D. I tried to be gone a lot too while we were still living together, but it didn't seem to make any difference.
At this point, I guess the thing to do may be to be there for her, but not to ask her to be there for me. I had been pushing to get things resolved, but for now, I am just going to sit back and wait to see where things go. Being separated has helped me to de-stress and I am ok living like this for a while.
If she is too stressed to work on the R or even herslef at the moment, how does she ever get out of crisis mode?
If she is too stressed to work on the R or even herslef at the moment, how does she ever get out of crisis mode?
Isn't being in crisis mode for a while exactly what a lot of us need so that we can start working on ourselves and our relationships? I think we figure out how to get out of crisis mode, by being in it for awhile.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
The WAS creates the crises by walking out and leaving a spouse and family. They create further crises by involving a third party. And make no mistake about it - there are *very* few WAS that don't have a third party in some capacity.
The LBS responds to the crises.
Creating a crises and responding to one are two VERY different scenarios yet I don't hear much talking about it.
Creators and responders are two very different animals.
