Very low right now. This is the weekend before my anniversary and I had such dreams for us to take a trip - all the things you do for your 25th. Instead I am home alone tonight. Am taking the kids to Nashville tomorrow for a little get away. For some crazy reason I think that I'll feel better after Tuesday has come and gone. Right now I am trying to just let myself feel the pain - because I have a reason to feel this hurt.
I catch myself time and time again trying to rationalize all of this. I am constantly questioning myself "what if he is right? what if he has never loved me? what if he HAS been MISERABLE for 25 years? what does that mean about me? Am I unlovable? Am I unworthy? Have I been incredibly selfish?" He is NOT unhappy right now being away from me. He thinks he has finally discovered what has been wrong with him all of this time - ME. There are times when I don't think my heart can take another day of this hurt.
Fun Friday night, huh?
So I'm sitting here looking at the screen debating my approach ... do I go with (((hugs))) and leave it at that or do I tell you what you might need to hear even if you don't want to?
I'm gonna do it PEI style ... you get both ...
(((hugs)))
Irish, this sucks, no doubt about it. But sweetie, and you know this, I know you do ... you decide how bad and for how long. It's up to you. Feel it, for as long as you want to ... when you no longer want to feel like that choose differently. Really.
Yes, you have a reason to feel the hurt, and part of healing is feeling it and processing it, but don't wallow in it, don't stay there.
Are you unlovable? Are you unworthy?
You KNOW the answers to these questions Irish. Now it's time to BELIEVE them.
I posted the following on Eric's thread just yesterday...
Originally Posted By: PEI
I've finally wrapped my head around the fact that our batchit crazy MLC spouses can not take our good memories. They can rewrite history all they want, but I will remember the good times and smile. I won't let all this craziness and pain poison the memories of a life that produced three beautiful kids and a dozen photo albums of a smiling family. We can choose to enjoy the good memories ... for example ... today I was driving to an appt at lunch time when our first dance song from our wedding came on the radio. I turned it up. Sang my guts out and smiled. It was a beautiful day.
I also chose to celebrate all that is good in my life when my 10 year anniversary rolled around a few weeks ago. Took a bit for me to wrap my head around that, I wallowed for a bit ... but then I remembered that my feelings are MY responsibility.
You are doing well Irish, you really are. Keep moving forward...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
