Still letting her be crabby and not asking or trying to fix anything. I listen when she does talk, but she hasn't initiated anything since our D talk a week ago. The kids are having trouble at school and it's really got under her skin. When I get home from work, she is already a mess. I help with homework and try to calm things down. I get the kids showered and in bed most nights and I go to bed myself. I don't stay up and watch TV with her or try to make small talk.
I have asked her several times this week if she has found anywhere to stay. She says she can't find anything she can afford. No kidding.
She still hasn't taken any responsibility for anything and maybe she never will. Not my problem. I am trying to take care of the kids and myself.
Detaching does not mean to leave her crabby in front of the TV and going to bed.
Change the dynamic. The current one does not work, does it?
You are 100% correct; it does not work. I have tried being playful and joking, so forth. I guess I am out of ideas. I don't know what to do to change the dynamic. I have proven over and over that I'm not very good at this. I am detaching and finding myself not caring so much anymore. I know the idea is to be lovingly distant and I'm doing my best. I had to find out about her new job from my 10y.o. son. When she finally told me all about it later the same night, I told her congratulations, I know it means a lot to you, it will be good for you to get back to work in your field, etc.
She is miserable. I am not. Not anymore. I do still want a new and improved M. I can't drag her kicking and screaming. She has said over and over that she was done. So be it.
It's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy when you proclaim "I'm not good at this", no?
You are good, you will get better.
It's time for her to move out and her inability to afford a place is not your problem. Give her xx amount of days and stick to it. If she would like to stay then she will need to change her attitude. She can be happy in your house or be crabby in her own apartment (that she pays for). Let her decide!
If she's done no amount of financial turmoil will stop her from getting out. So it's time for her to to just that. WAS seem to love making all kinds of life altering declarations for multiple people (their spouses and children) - hold her feet to the fire and have her follow through.
I have worked so hard to get in this frame of mind. I was a mess for a long time and still feel, sometimes, like I am holding it all together by a thread. It's not my problem that she is miserable. I'm sure the financial turmoil is hitting closer to home for her since we both talked to lawyers. I told her that I am willing to work with her on everything but would not budge from 50-50 shared custody. I would fight her to the end on that. She says we don't have the money for a long drawn out court fight and I simply told her that I would find a way. Period.
In the meantime, she has made no move to file herself. She called a couple of places and got some prices on houses and apartments but they are more expensive that our home and 7 acres that we have right now. I'm sure she thought she could go rent something for a couple hundred bucks and rely on child support for the rest.
I do go out some but am not as mysterious as I should be, I'm sure. I love the catnip term and thinking. I just can't quite put it all together, you know? I have four kids that count on me for a lot of things. I don't want to completely turn into her by going out and leaving the kids. I don't want to give her any ammunition to use against me. I know I may be being paranoid but my kids are my #1 priority. I'm sure she uses that against me.
CG, thanks for the vote of confidence. I wish I would get better at this a whole lot faster!!!
I have worked so hard to get in this frame of mind. I was a mess for a long time and still feel, sometimes, like I am holding it all together by a thread. It's not my problem that she is miserable. I'm sure the financial turmoil is hitting closer to home for her since we both talked to lawyers. I told her that I am willing to work with her on everything but would not budge from 50-50 shared custody. I would fight her to the end on that. She says we don't have the money for a long drawn out court fight and I simply told her that I would find a way. Period.
In the meantime, she has made no move to file herself. She called a couple of places and got some prices on houses and apartments but they are more expensive that our home and 7 acres that we have right now. I'm sure she thought she could go rent something for a couple hundred bucks and rely on child support for the rest.
I do go out some but am not as mysterious as I should be, I'm sure. I love the catnip term and thinking. I just can't quite put it all together, you know? I have four kids that count on me for a lot of things. I don't want to completely turn into her by going out and leaving the kids. I don't want to give her any ammunition to use against me. I know I may be being paranoid but my kids are my #1 priority. I'm sure she uses that against me.
CG, thanks for the vote of confidence. I wish I would get better at this a whole lot faster!!!
I have worked so hard to get in this frame of mind. I was a mess for a long time and still feel, sometimes, like I am holding it all together by a thread. It's not my problem that she is miserable. I'm sure the financial turmoil is hitting closer to home for her since we both talked to lawyers. I told her that I am willing to work with her on everything but would not budge from 50-50 shared custody. I would fight her to the end on that. She says we don't have the money for a long drawn out court fight and I simply told her that I would find a way. Period.
In the meantime, she has made no move to file herself. She called a couple of places and got some prices on houses and apartments but they are more expensive that our home and 7 acres that we have right now. I'm sure she thought she could go rent something for a couple hundred bucks and rely on child support for the rest.
I do go out some but am not as mysterious as I should be, I'm sure. I love the catnip term and thinking. I just can't quite put it all together, you know? I have four kids that count on me for a lot of things. I don't want to completely turn into her by going out and leaving the kids. I don't want to give her any ammunition to use against me. I know I may be being paranoid but my kids are my #1 priority. I'm sure she uses that against me.
CG, thanks for the vote of confidence. I wish I would get better at this a whole lot faster!!!
