Ominus Bonus

[steady]

WT I wanted to tell you about this. A while back you were talking about a book you were reading in school and you said this to me:

"Treat people the way they deserve to be treated"

It took a while to digest that in a way that made sense to me. It was in direct conflict with a paradigm I had been living. It literally took months before the light went off and the two were integrated into one. Once that happened it was an epiphany for me. The two quotes below explain how I got rid of the dissonance those two idea created.

I can't tell you what a profound impact that had on me. It literally changed me in a way that I can't say enough about. It gave me the freedom to set boundaries and start a life where I have discovered my freedom. I even quoted you a few times in response on some other people's threads.

Here's one of them:

You know I used to think like this - treat people the way I want to treat them regardless of their actions toward me. That usually meant treating them with kindness regardless of their behavior toward me.

Then one day Whiskey Tango posted on my thread - treat people the way they DESERVE to be treated. Hmmm...that was a new one for me. Wow! I can draw boundaries.

Do you need to be a di#k toward her? No.

Do you want to be her friend CD? I'm talking about now, not in some imagined future. Is she being rude to you? Filter out those couple 'warm friendly' communications and what are you left with? A giant pile of what?

Not texting her back about personal stuff is not rude and cold unless that's why you're doing it. If you're doing it to somehow 'get back at her' for what's she's done to you then you're wasting your breathe.

Now if you do it because you have drawn a BOUNDARY that says you will not allow people to treat you the way she is treating you, then what's wrong with that?

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And again here: (I changed the color because I hate that it puts the quoted text in a different window that has to be scrolled in order to read - I like to print these threads out in hard copy)

Quote = Steady from CD's thread
A small 2x4 swing here. A few months ago, right after my W did some vindictive things, and basically told me she did not want me to text or email her anything except concerning the kids. Also after she said she was just going to lie to me about her personal life...lol.

I get a text one night -

W- "Great news. I got out of jury duty. They settled the case"

Me (after about 10 mins) - I think you meant to send that text to someone else.

W - No. Just wanted to let you know what was going on.

Me - Well that's your personal life. I don't need to know anything about your personal life.

Let me say this. If I allow her to behave the way she is toward me and I keep silent then I am silently telling her it's ok to treat me like a piece of sh*t and I'll just stand here with a smile on my face. You know, I did that throughout my marriage so I wouldn't make waves. I did for a year after the bomb...she totally lost respect for me because I didn't make boundaries and enforce them. More importantly I lost my self respect and my dignity. When I began standing up for myself that's when I got on my path to reclaim all of that and my power. I got respect back for myself.

If this person was my friend instead of my W would I tolerate this behavior? Nope. Eventually our spouses didn't and then they took that opportunity to snatch up the power, then use it against us. As time went on, she abused more and more of that power because I didn't say anything.

The viciousness grew. It's the same as a child. If you don't draw the boundary and enforce it, they will push you further and further.

CD, did you do exactly as you were feeling at the moment? Were you being authentically you or did you act in a way in which you hoped she would like you more?

Do you want this woman as a friend? I mean really? I know I don't want a friend who is treating me like my W is. She's lying and fabricating things about me. Then taking these lies and slandering me to other people.

I talked to my neighbor (female) today. My W hangs out with her also. Our kids play together all the time. A few weeks back I approached her and told her I know my W likes to build a team so I'm sure she talked to you about what's going on. I explained that the majority of what she is saying is not true and a the past stuff is a re-write of history. We had a long discussion about it.

Tonight when I dropped off her kids she asked me how Monday went. I told her. We got to talking more. She looked at me and said, "I'll tell you this. I've noticed what you've been talking to me about." I asked if she could be a little more specific. She said since we talked last and she's gotten to know my W even more, and she sees the behaviors I talked about.

It felt great. I was vindicated to some extent. I thanked her validating it.

I used to treat people the way I wanted to be treated. Some people will take that and walk all over you. That's what my W did and I just took it. Then Whiskey Tango posted on my thread and said, "You treat people the way they deserve to be treated."

I'll yield and give way. I'll still give people the benefit of the doubt. But now my foot goes down a lot earlier in the process. These are the boundaries.

Do I love my children. Unconditionally. And I tell them all the time - "I always love you. I may not like your behavior but I always love you and that will never change." I will not accept inappropriate or hurtful behavior just because I love them unconditionally. You can love your adult child unconditionally, and at the same time kick them out of the house. Or cut off support. These are boundaries drawn from unconditional love. They are not mutually exclusive.

I love them unconditionally, but I have boundaries. I can have those boundaries and still love them. I love my W. I hate her behavior. It's nauseating to me. I get nauseated in her presence. I love her - but I don't like her current personality.

Do I think you did the right thing CD. Yeah I do. Maybe she needs some shots across the bow.

If she was a total stranger, would you accept her behavior?

My friend J, who was a great friend of mine, used to call me up drunk and sit there and whine and complain about his life and his helplessness. I must have spent hundreds of hours on the phone repeating the same conversations, the same advice, the same understanding over and over.

Two months ago he called me again. He was drunk. I called him on it. He denied it. I gave him three more shots to come clean. I blasted him. He hung up on me.

I sent a text telling him I love him as my friend. I always will. I told him not to call me or contact me any more unless he gets sober. I told him when he's ready to stop behaving like a child and he wants help to improve and get his life straight to call me and I will be more than happy to help him.

Haven't heard from him since. This was a healthy boundary for me. He was sucking me dry.

CD only you can draw your own boundaries with your W. Do you want to have chit chat texts like the one she sent or not? I mean... Do YOU want it? Not what she wants or she needs or what will make you look more favorably to her.

What do you want? When you figure that out, then you can draw your boundaries around it. It will shift and change...then you merely redraw your boundaries.

One day I may want to be friends with my W. That day is not today. Her actions are way over the top destructive to me. It's a poison I don't need in my life. I don't want someone in my life who continues to treat me the way she is. Knowing that, I draw my boundary - She's not my friend. I won't talk to her as a friend. She's someone I co-parent with therefore I only communicate with her about the kids.

My boundary. It's healthy for me and I don't care what it does to her. She's an adult, she is responsible for her own reactions.

You can't live trying to protect people.

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I put them in there to show you how far I came just from that one statement you made. And it's still affecting me to this day! Creating even more changes and more freedom for me.

It's amazing how a single sentence you put out there, could have such a large impact on an individual's life.

So thanks WT.

You are the bomb, the sugarsmack, the shiatz!

Those are solid warm and fuzzies.