The one thing I've noticed about my H and his EA right now is that he is not capable of being responsible with money. He hasn't emptied our accounts or anything, but he is charging a lot of crap on his CCs...what seems to be dinners taking the OW out. Nice.
Also, I've noticed that he's constructed the lies to protect himself. I think sandi has a point - the EA (or PA) was started out of resentment toward you (and I), and the lies keep that story safe. Your W is not ready to see her own responsibility toward the M that brought her to the wrong decision of starting the A. And once the lies start going, it's W's safe place.
The empathy comes in where you recognize your role in the breakdown of communication and the M. That's the olive branch you can extend when she ends her A. Empathy does not mean you think it's ok that she's having the A.
Hi Jin,
Thank you for your words, they are the reality of my sitch setting in. I've accepted it. Don't like it, but not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm just going to experience the emotions and feelings headon and push through to that better place.
You speak of empathy as others have stated, unfortunately, I'm not empathetic yet(least I think I'm not). However, after reading Robx's post on another thread, it really sums up my view of MY role in the deteriation of my M almost to the letter
I'm qouting this...
Originally Posted By: robx
People hook up, form relationships, get married, get comfortable with each other, too comfortable and then they get.... lazy. They don't take care of themselves or each other, and then when this sloth like attitude has really set in, then you get comfortable enough with each other to be uncomfortable with each other and start stepping on each other's toes, being rude, disrespectful, never worrying about each other, showing a caring and nurturing attitude, the smiles, kisses and hugs go out the window and pretty soon you end up like roommates. Men get lazy and lose a lot of their attractive masculine qualities, the qualities that attracted their feminine partners to them. Men get lazy and stop being funny, strong, charming, ambitious, assertive, aggressive and start becoming needy, clingy, lazy, overly sensitive, child like almost and much less masculine and a wee bit more feminine. Women get lazy and stop being loving, caring, nurturing, their softer exterior get replaced by tougher, harder skin (metaphorically speaking), they become more demanding, much less understanding, more aggressive, more emotional, less sensitive to others, nearly oblivious to the effect they have on others including their spouse, louder, more aggressive, more masculine and less feminine.
... The perfect storm!!!!!!
LOL!
You've trained your wife to be the way she is with you. You now have to undo what you've done.
Start standing up for yourself when necessary.This doesn't mean being a prick or an a$$hole, but it doesn't mean remaining as the pussy cat you currently are.
This in a nutshell, is what I have accepted as my role in the deteriation of my M. I became EXTREMELY lazy. It got to the point where I drank and lost myself in a Video Game so I could hide from the reality of my issues. I became more feminine and she became more masculine. Period.
None of this excuses her actions, this to me is a moral and integrity issue with herself now. She's getting what she wants and I'm going to focus on becoming what I want. My intergrity and my self-respect is more important than running to the "next" woman I meet and banging her to get my needs met temporarily.
Not taking a self-righteous position about this either. This is how ME, MYSELF, and I shall proceed. She's in complete control on how she wishes to proceed with her life. I'm just going to protect myself and treat her with kindness, which is how I want to be treated. Is that empathy or just me taking control of my life?
