OK, so I haven't posted anything in awhile. Here are some updates in my sitch.
1) Had a good joint celebration of D5's birthday party for friends with W and other friends
2) Had a mild fight at D5's "family" b-day party because I almost reneged on agreement to take care of kids while W attended funeral for friend's mom (I had a rare tool moment). I apologized, but unfortunately when I later that night asked W out for anniversary she turned me down. She said she "wasn't up to that yet." Then she said she "she was sorry and wanted to run away" and "felt so anxious." I told her I understood those were her feelings, no worries and changed the subject to something else.
3) Next day W called me apologizing for saying no and said that she had said no cause she had shut down with the fight, that it triggered a flashback of our bad times. I tried to validate. We got off phone and a bit later she calls me back again crying and saying how angry she was at me. That she felt she didn't know who I really was, that there had been the guy she met, and then the "mean" me, and now the "new, nice changed" me and she didn't know which was the real me. I told her I got how this would be very stressful and anxiety provoking for her. I told her I am who I am now and a work in progress. Told her that I felt I was the same fun-loving guy that she first met at my core, but with more life experience, wisdom and better sense of self and relationships.
4) W went to therapy and told me her therapist thought she had aspects of post-traumatic stress disorder that led her to expect and re-experience anxiety even when nothing much was going on in her present environment to justify it. W went back on antidepressants (I think this is her 2nd week back on them).
5) This past week, W told me that she never wanted to go back to feeling out of control, desperate, unable to get out of a bad situation, etc. etc. I nodded and told her I could see why she never wanted to be in a situation like that again, and I never wanted her to feel like that again. I also told her I also never wanted to feel depressed and yelled at again and said I thought it would take a leap of faith for each of us to re-enter any relationship that things would be different, but that I had been working on myself to ensure that my next relationship, whether with her or someone else, would be better.
6) I've been doing lots of GALing and socializing. Joined a running club, lots of time working out at gym, went out for poker night with soem buds, fun happy hours meeting new friends and flirting with singles. I even flirted with my dental hygienist today, lol. Monday night I met a new buddy at Monday Night Football and we spent most of the night chatting up these 3 lovelies from Ireland that were eating it up til 3 am. Tonight I went to happy hour with the running club and stayed after talking to these 2 cuties from the group. One invited me to come running with her on Friday. Definitely felt attractive and some good mojo charging. I'm probably going to commit to running a half-marathon in January (I've run marathons before, but hadn't run at all in the last 3 years up until a couple of weeks ago, so this would be a pretty big goal). I also took my girls camping this last weekend with some buddies and their daughters. Had a great time. Also took D5 to friend's birthday party and socialized with the other parents there. I have a bunch of home projects I want to get going on this coming week. The GAL is going well overall especially this past week, and helping me feel good about myself.
7) W has stopped with the co-dependent requests for help as she's healed more from her surg. She did ask me to help her put some drapes up in her place a couple of weekends ago, which I agreed to and which she seemed real grateful about (she has no clue about any handyman stuff). She asked me if I wanted to stay and watch some True Blood with her afterwards and I watched a couple of episodes then she gave me a DVD from season 1 and said I should watch it and catch up so we could talk about it. I still am not initiating phoning, texting or emailing her. Her contact to me has decreased some from the period during which she was recovering. Still, when it's there, it is a friendlier, less tension-filled vibe than it was in July. No more of the hugs, but I think that may not mean much because perhaps they were just "friend" hugs before anyway. Today, she asked me if I wanted to join her and D's for sushi after we watched D5 in her dance class. I said yeah but then cut out early to go to my running group. We had fun talking at dance class and at sushi. She looks fabulous and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with her, but she's so not there.
I'm so not sure what is in her mind still. It doesn't seem that she is giving any thought to D right now, but she also doesn't want to actively work on the R. It's like she says right now she wants to live her life -- "work on her self, 'heal' from the past, and do family time with me -- and maybe see if her anger and anxiety directed at me subside.
I'd appreciate thoughts from others on if I should just keep staying the GAL, LRT-like course; or if I should play hardball and file for divorce (I don't think so, because I am not to that point yet and I also am not convinced it is what she wants so it wouldn't be a loving thing to do).
An alternative would be to do a 180 and be more involved in her day-to-day life by initiating non-R talk from the perspective that it's not clear that LRT is "working" to draw her in. She is sort of addicted to facebook and spends most of her free time chatting on facebook or surfing facebook. I think LRT isn't that effective with her now because I think she turns to FB to satisfy her need for emotional connection.
I'm having fun GALling and flirting with all these people, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be spending this time flirting with my W. She's just not there (yet?). Is the GAL/LRT/leave her alone and walk my own way still the best way to live?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Quick update. W called me this AM in panic mode saying that D's were driving her crazy and she was going to be late for work and she couldn't find anything for D5's school picture day. After blurting this out, she said omg it's not going to work, I don't have enough time and hung up. She called back a few minutes later and asked me to come over to help. I agreed and brought over a couple of outfits to choose from for D5. I helped get girls ready for school and dropped off D2 at her daycare.
While I was at W's place and D's were going a lil crazy, W asked me if I was getting mad at her for having to be over there while girls were going crazy (part of her anxiety towards me is that I will snap angrily at her or be "mean" her memory of the "mean" me). I havent been that way since the S and said, no way, that dude's long gone. I told her I thought alot of that irritability before was because I was always sleep deprived and addicted to the computer game, so my focus was on the game instead of the world and I would get annoyed when anything would distract me from the game. I also was depressed which made me more irritable. I don't feel like that at all anymore, but I guess W doesn't fully see it yet OR doesn't trust that it is there for keeps (I guess she's starting to notice the change when she referred to the "new" me in that conversation, but I guess she still doesn't fully trust it).
W called me up afterwards thanking me and saying she would repay the favor this afternoon by watching girls so I could do something I needed to do. Parent night tonight at the school...
Is my behavior here considered bad cause it is the "rescue" variety? This is the one I have the most trouble with because it involves the D's. If I had not gone over there, the D's would have been late to school for sure and D5 would have looked crappy for her pic day. I also get W's help for tonight on my end, so I am getting something in return as well. I'm also being responsive to W's request for help instead of initiating doing stuff for her hoping it will get me something in return (affection/co-dependency). Thoughts?
Last edited by bustorama; 09/16/1004:29 PM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
OK, I would really love some advice. I've tried to stop and take a grand re-inventory of things now that W has recovered from her surgery.
BAD FOR R --------- My W continues not to act at all spousal and following WAS script.
1) Physically separated 2) Still unwilling to do MC, retro, regular time together as couple to try to reconnect or work out our issues 3) Refused offer to go out for anniversary 4) Most basis for interaction between us is family-related 5) No physical affection 6) She spends her bit of leisure time mostly chatting with "new friends," on FB, a couple of which are immature guys. 7) Justifies her current behavior due to her anger, anxiety, and hurt at me for past EA's and past neglectful, controlling, and irritable behavior on my part.
GOOD OR GOOD POTENTIAL FOR R ---------------------------- 1) Level of W anger and anxiety now is much less than in May/June/July. 2) I am personally in a WAY better place than I was in April as individual and in relationships with friends and kiddos. 3) W has not mentioned D since April or May. Has said to other people that she would eventually like to work things out and doesn't want to get divorced. 4) W has commented on noticing that I am happier and that I have changed (but I think uncertain as to whether it is real or lasting)
So there are a couple of specific issues I am struggling with.
1) One concerns finances. Right now, we still have joint account and shared credit cards, so I am effectively helping W pay for her rent in her apartment and her extra-rent activities. i.e., I am helping finance the separation.
I have been paying because I had promised her quite awhile ago when we were together that if she ever became so unhappy that she wanted to leave the R that I would help her financially because she was quitting her job to be SAHM and because even now that she has rejoined workforce her salary is still half mine and less than it would otherwise have been. So, I helped her financially in furnishing the place and with these first (going on 4-5) months of rent now.
I am now torn on whether I should continue to do this until the lease runs out (1 year) or stop at some earlier point. It's the tradeoff that I am enabling the separation and ongoing spousal CB, but on the other hand I did make a promise to her that I would help her if she ever became so unhappy....
2) The second concerns if it's time for me to really drop the rope more than I have been doing (e.g., reduce the amount of family together time, decline her invitation to spend my Thanksgiving with her and her visiting family, etc.) and move on with my own separate life vs. continue at my current level of detachment/GAL
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Yep, you pay her rent, run to help her every time she calls, and she doesn't respect you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Stop helping her with the bills. Get some sort of formal agreement in place if you are not ready to file but STOP helping her with bills and tasks. You are giving her the best of both worlds so why *would* she want to change anything?
Ever stop to think why you are good enough to pay her bills and do her handyman work but you are NOT good enough to go to dinner with or talk to?
Her saying she "eventually" might want to work on things is a fancy way of saying if nothing else pans out or her financial situation worsens she might give you another shot.
Marriage is not about "eventually". You are in or out. If you are out that's cool but gone are the perks of marriage (help, support, money).
Have you talked to a L to know how this "support" you are giving her now would look if you do get a D?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yep, you pay her rent, run to help her every time she calls, and she doesn't respect you.
OK, thanks for your feedback, Coach. I do feel that me financially contributing to the separation is (now) crossing one of my boundaries. I will not finance the continued destruction of our R or M.
I also feel I have fulfilled my earlier promise to her of not holding her hostage in the marriage on a financial basis -- I helped her get some furniture and starters for rent, but now it's time for her to put her BGP on.
1) Taking her off my credit cards
2) Opening separate account for my paychecks -- question of how much of remaining marital assets to pull into my own account? Leave 1 month's rent to give her time to adapt/rebudget?
3) Need to figure out how much (if any) I should contribute from here forward to her monthly due to potential alimony or child custody issues (but we are 50/50 in our kids?). I guess I need to see L about this, but any informal guidance here? Where are the calculators for CA?
Re: the helping with kids, you think she doesn't respect me because I respond to her calls to help with the kids? What is the argument NOT to help with the kids (I see it as I'm their Dad, and they are my responsibility regardless of where they are rather than it is something I am doing in as an H). Help me see your thinking here. Or is it because it's a psychological thing to see if she can still puppeteer/control me -- that I am "available" to her?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I would drop the rope, financially and personally. She's not ready to reconcile. Plus with so many joint family events, she's not really carrying her weight with raising your daughters. As her call to you showed, she is struggling with that. Not your responsibility. Also, sure you promised her to help out. Things change, and you're not obligated to support her forever.
Remember, she chose this path. She can choose to come back as well.
The brutal reality of being seperated and having space is that you are not available when there is a non-life threatening issue with the kids. It's cake-eating. Wants all the perks of being married without the responsiblity of being a wife.
Do you think she would tolerate you behaving this way? She can't be attracted to you if she doesn't respect you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
