Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

OK, I would really love some advice. I've tried to stop and take a grand re-inventory of things now that W has recovered from her surgery.

BAD FOR R
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My W continues not to act at all spousal and following WAS script.

1) Physically separated
2) Still unwilling to do MC, retro, regular time together as couple to try to reconnect or work out our issues
3) Refused offer to go out for anniversary
4) Most basis for interaction between us is family-related
5) No physical affection
6) She spends her bit of leisure time mostly chatting with "new friends," on FB, a couple of which are immature guys.
7) Justifies her current behavior due to her anger, anxiety, and hurt at me for past EA's and past neglectful, controlling, and irritable behavior on my part.

GOOD OR GOOD POTENTIAL FOR R
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1) Level of W anger and anxiety now is much less than in May/June/July.
2) I am personally in a WAY better place than I was in April as individual and in relationships with friends and kiddos.
3) W has not mentioned D since April or May. Has said to other people that she would eventually like to work things out and doesn't want to get divorced.
4) W has commented on noticing that I am happier and that I have changed (but I think uncertain as to whether it is real or lasting)

So there are a couple of specific issues I am struggling with.

1) One concerns finances. Right now, we still have joint account and shared credit cards, so I am effectively helping W pay for her rent in her apartment and her extra-rent activities. i.e., I am helping finance the separation.

I have been paying because I had promised her quite awhile ago when we were together that if she ever became so unhappy that she wanted to leave the R that I would help her financially because she was quitting her job to be SAHM and because even now that she has rejoined workforce her salary is still half mine and less than it would otherwise have been. So, I helped her financially in furnishing the place and with these first (going on 4-5) months of rent now.

I am now torn on whether I should continue to do this until the lease runs out (1 year) or stop at some earlier point. It's the tradeoff that I am enabling the separation and ongoing spousal CB, but on the other hand I did make a promise to her that I would help her if she ever became so unhappy....

2) The second concerns if it's time for me to really drop the rope more than I have been doing (e.g., reduce the amount of family together time, decline her invitation to spend my Thanksgiving with her and her visiting family, etc.) and move on with my own separate life vs. continue at my current level of detachment/GAL