Faith, you do not have to apologize anymore. It is not a matter of you trying to say something that will fix her or the R.
I agree and will not.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she is still lying about her A, it is either b/c she's going deeper undercover and thinks she can make you believe it was just your imagination.....or else she's in some kind of denial (which seems crazy, but the mind can do crazy things).
After you put it that way, I think it's a form of denial. She has always had a repression issue. The kind where she would hold it in til she exploded. Anytime I ever asked her to talk about something, I always received "I'm Fine". Her wanting to open up right now and admit anything seems highly unlikely. Being with her as long as I have, I believe she's trying to ignore it, justify it, and repress it til it goes away. Might be mind reading, but I've seen identical patterns before, just not at the A level.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think at this point, you need to focus on yourself GAL. Don't push her about her feelings toward anything. Don't ignore her or act cold, but treat her as if she was just a kid sister or somebody. The least thing can make her feel that you are smothering her.
That's all I can do. You're right, if I keep prying for the truth she's going to turn from a jog to a full sprint run away. I really see the push/pull dynamic here. Nothing is accomplished by me saying anything anymore.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If you still love her, then don't give up yet. Getting a life and focusing on the things you like does not mean you've given up.
I know it's confusing for you. I know it's awful. Try to be strong and take care of "you".
I do love her, but I don't like the lies. It hurts to be betrayed, but I also know that she could have felt betrayed too. Hence, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I will just focus on my confidence from here. My self-esteem is just shot.
Hey Faith, You & I are getting get advice from everyone; it is tough as just when I think I'm moving forward someday something gets me & I probably take 10 steps back.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If you still love her, then don't give up yet. Getting a life and focusing on the things you like does not mean you've given up.
I know it's confusing for you. I know it's awful. Try to be strong and take care of "you".
Sandi is right we both need to take care of ourselves & be strong! We all hurt & there is a lot of pain on both sides; despite what are W's are doing or have done. It still doesn’t help, but we have to keep looking ahead no matter what the outcome stranger things have happened.
Hey Faith, You & I are getting get advice from everyone; it is tough as just when I think I'm moving forward someday something gets me & I probably take 10 steps back.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If you still love her, then don't give up yet. Getting a life and focusing on the things you like does not mean you've given up.
I know it's confusing for you. I know it's awful. Try to be strong and take care of "you".
Sandi is right we both need to take care of ourselves & be strong! We all hurt & there is a lot of pain on both sides; despite what are W's are doing or have done. It still doesn’t help, but we have to keep looking ahead no matter what the outcome stranger things have happened.
Talk later Hope
Thanks Hope! I can say I'm glad I am not alone. Hang in there Friend. We will be stronger, I agree.
I've got some 411 I'm gonna post after this. This is getting very interesting.
Okay, today my W's check should have been deposited. It wasn't. Sent email asking what was up and she said that there was some kind of transfer screw up. (LOL I did laugh in real life) I knew something was up. The other day she talked about "Rent" and moving out of where she's at. Told her we're still financially together until Divorce and asked if she was going to deposit the money into our joint? She said "Yes, after work today".
Well, no go. She's still lying and I think her and her partner are moving in together. No proof, but I'm not an idiot and realize that this is "script". I postponed L appointment because I'm Ill and wish to gather more information before I see him.
I'm not mad, but I sense fear and craziness right now from her. She needs a message sent to her that I will not be disrespected and that she is not playing fair. How do I use this to my advantage? Do I pursue real Divorce or just focus on Mediation and a written 50/50? I played fair, but she is now doing some weird financial things. I haven't done anything other than try to treat her with respect and asked her to return this favor, this act today is against our verbal agreement(Her word doesn't mean crap) and now I'm questioning how hard I should hit her.
My thought, stall the divorce. Make her come up with L and make this something she doesn't forget. I truly believe she is in LaLa land and needs to wake up. I DO NOT want to be vindictive, but something has got to give here.
I haven't done anything other than try to treat her with respect and asked her to return this favor,
She won't return the favor, Faith.....it just is not going to happen. You need to get your banking accounts protected or she'll wipe you out.
Remember, this is not the person you M.
Hi Sandi,
I agree. I'm getting a Lawyer and fighting for my home.
The brutal reality has hit me about my sitch. "Hope on a Rope"(LOL) Just got dropped. Nothing makes sense. Unable to reason with her. She's beyond any rationale thinking. I need to hit Stage 3 of CD Bears post as fast as I possibly can go. I also found the biggest reason I've been having trouble letting go is the fact that I was scared to, because I know once I do, there will be no looking back regardless if she's repentant.
I still care, but my prayers have changed to being about me getting through this rather than trying to stop it.
The one thing I've noticed about my H and his EA right now is that he is not capable of being responsible with money. He hasn't emptied our accounts or anything, but he is charging a lot of crap on his CCs...what seems to be dinners taking the OW out. Nice.
Also, I've noticed that he's constructed the lies to protect himself. I think sandi has a point - the EA (or PA) was started out of resentment toward you (and I), and the lies keep that story safe. Your W is not ready to see her own responsibility toward the M that brought her to the wrong decision of starting the A. And once the lies start going, it's W's safe place.
The empathy comes in where you recognize your role in the breakdown of communication and the M. That's the olive branch you can extend when she ends her A. Empathy does not mean you think it's ok that she's having the A.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
The one thing I've noticed about my H and his EA right now is that he is not capable of being responsible with money. He hasn't emptied our accounts or anything, but he is charging a lot of crap on his CCs...what seems to be dinners taking the OW out. Nice.
Also, I've noticed that he's constructed the lies to protect himself. I think sandi has a point - the EA (or PA) was started out of resentment toward you (and I), and the lies keep that story safe. Your W is not ready to see her own responsibility toward the M that brought her to the wrong decision of starting the A. And once the lies start going, it's W's safe place.
The empathy comes in where you recognize your role in the breakdown of communication and the M. That's the olive branch you can extend when she ends her A. Empathy does not mean you think it's ok that she's having the A.
Hi Jin,
Thank you for your words, they are the reality of my sitch setting in. I've accepted it. Don't like it, but not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm just going to experience the emotions and feelings headon and push through to that better place.
You speak of empathy as others have stated, unfortunately, I'm not empathetic yet(least I think I'm not). However, after reading Robx's post on another thread, it really sums up my view of MY role in the deteriation of my M almost to the letter
I'm qouting this...
Originally Posted By: robx
People hook up, form relationships, get married, get comfortable with each other, too comfortable and then they get.... lazy. They don't take care of themselves or each other, and then when this sloth like attitude has really set in, then you get comfortable enough with each other to be uncomfortable with each other and start stepping on each other's toes, being rude, disrespectful, never worrying about each other, showing a caring and nurturing attitude, the smiles, kisses and hugs go out the window and pretty soon you end up like roommates. Men get lazy and lose a lot of their attractive masculine qualities, the qualities that attracted their feminine partners to them. Men get lazy and stop being funny, strong, charming, ambitious, assertive, aggressive and start becoming needy, clingy, lazy, overly sensitive, child like almost and much less masculine and a wee bit more feminine. Women get lazy and stop being loving, caring, nurturing, their softer exterior get replaced by tougher, harder skin (metaphorically speaking), they become more demanding, much less understanding, more aggressive, more emotional, less sensitive to others, nearly oblivious to the effect they have on others including their spouse, louder, more aggressive, more masculine and less feminine.
... The perfect storm!!!!!!
LOL!
You've trained your wife to be the way she is with you. You now have to undo what you've done.
Start standing up for yourself when necessary.This doesn't mean being a prick or an a$$hole, but it doesn't mean remaining as the pussy cat you currently are.
This in a nutshell, is what I have accepted as my role in the deteriation of my M. I became EXTREMELY lazy. It got to the point where I drank and lost myself in a Video Game so I could hide from the reality of my issues. I became more feminine and she became more masculine. Period.
None of this excuses her actions, this to me is a moral and integrity issue with herself now. She's getting what she wants and I'm going to focus on becoming what I want. My intergrity and my self-respect is more important than running to the "next" woman I meet and banging her to get my needs met temporarily.
Not taking a self-righteous position about this either. This is how ME, MYSELF, and I shall proceed. She's in complete control on how she wishes to proceed with her life. I'm just going to protect myself and treat her with kindness, which is how I want to be treated. Is that empathy or just me taking control of my life?
